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Today, my brother put pepper spray on my toilet paper. FML

by Ca13b / 10/15/2011 at 3:18am / United States (Oregon) / Miscellaneous

Today, I was told off for not holding the door open for a woman behind me at work. Yesterday I was informed that chivalry is offensive to women, as it implies that they are not equal to men. I can't win. FML

by JohnBlack / 06/11/2012 at 11:56pm / United States / Miscellaneous

Today, I found out that my girlfriend has been sleeping around. After telling my best friend, I also found out that he and a few others have known for the past month. He asked, shocked, "Dude, I thought you knew?" FML

by Anonymous / 10/25/2013 at 7:55pm / United States / Love

Today, my mother-in-law confessed that for the longest time, she had fantasies about killing me for "ruining" her daughter's life, basically because I'm not wealthy enough for my mother-in-law's standards. She made sure to let me know the situation hasn't changed at all. FML

by Anonymous / 06/04/2014 at 10:34am / United Kingdom (Lancashire) / Love

Today, I ran into my crush of three years ago. We used to always walk our dogs together. He still remembered my dog's name. He didn't remember mine. FML

by Anonymous / 06/24/2009 at 6:10am / Netherlands (Noord-Brabant) / Love

Today, I had a date in my dreams. It was a pity date, with someone who is already taken. I can't even get a real date in my dreams. FML

by Lonely / 11/24/2009 at 5:49am / United States (Kentucky) / Love

Today, I was with my boyfriend and we were in his car when he burst out crying, I thought it might have been because we had gotten into a huge fight and he felt bad. No, he cried on my shoulder for a half hour because he misses his ex-girlfriend. He's been writing songs about wanting her back. FML

by Anonymous / 11/11/2010 at 7:41pm / United States (Georgia) / Love

Today, during a workplace safety exercise at work, I managed to cut off the tip of my thumb. FML

by thwack / 05/24/2012 at 2:26pm / United States / Work

Today, at my mother's funeral, as everyone was around her casket for the viewing, my 5-year-old son in cluelessness of what was going on shouted, "Grandma is more fun when she isn't sleeping." Everyone cried. FML

by Anonymous / 02/25/2013 at 6:00pm / United States (New Jersey) / Kids

Today, I walked 6 miles to see my girlfriend. After 5 and a half miles, she broke up with me because I never visit her. FML

by Anonymous / 02/22/2013 at 5:25am / United States (Florida) / Love

Today, I was sent to group therapy. A girl spent twenty minutes telling us horrible details of having been raised incestuously. A side effect of my new medication is yawning. FML

by fiercehawk / 04/24/2013 at 2:23am / United States (Indiana) / Health

This FML has been commented on by its original poster.

Today, while sorting through my clothes, I found one of my ex's old sweaters. After a lot of thought and difficulty, I threw it out. I felt empowered, until my father later rifled through my trash and claimed the sweater for himself. FML

by gemtas5 / 09/21/2013 at 1:28pm / Sweden (Skane Lan) / Love

Today, as I was driving with my boyfriend, he pointed out what a crappy car I drive. About how the locks don't work, the vents are broken, the windshield wipers are busted, my headlights aren't bright, and a hubcap is missing. Then he said I’m a good match for my car, 'cos we have the same “personality". FML

by Clunker / 10/24/2009 at 1:07am / United States (California) / Transportation