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Today, my sister called me up extremely excited because she found out Flo Rida is from Florida. She's 22. FML

by smh / 06/27/2013 at 7:37pm / United States (New Jersey) / Miscellaneous

Today, a street preacher got on my metro car and gave a long, loud speech about how we sinful, polluted congressional staffers must inform our bosses that choosing a homosexual lifestyle was like trading your soul for soup. We got stuck in a tunnel for thirty minutes. FML

by CapitolSouthSux / 09/19/2013 at 8:54am / United States / Transportation

Today, my boss let me know that I'm being laid off, via a text message that ended in "lmao". FML

by soon to be unemployed / 01/28/2014 at 5:36pm / United Kingdom (Southampton) / Work

Today, I realized that my dog is a pro at pooping directly in shoes. FML

by new dog / 09/13/2014 at 11:38pm / United States (Maryland) / Animals

Today, I promised my best friend I wouldn't let her hook up with any guys (she got an STD a few weeks ago). After we tossed a few back she led about 30 people in a chant of "cockblock" after I wouldnt let her go home with some random dude. FML

by cockblockingbitch / 01/25/2009 at 12:54am / United States (Washington) / Intimacy

Today, I brought my new puppy home. I saw her sniffing around, so I took her outside to do her business. She simply played in the grass for ten minutes, so I brought her in. She walked in the door, squatted, and shit. She has diarrhea. This is the fourth time today. FML

by Patrick / 10/14/2012 at 12:39am / United States (Louisiana) / Animals

Today, I found out why my girlfriend has lost interest in our relationship. She's found out she likes drinking. A lot. FML

by Anonymous / 07/15/2013 at 2:15am / United States (Kentucky) / Love

Today, my husband accidentally erased some pictures from our hard drive. No worries, nothing major: just everything from our wedding and the birth of our first child. FML

by testom / 04/17/2015 at 2:15pm / Netherlands (Zuid-Holland) / Love

Today, I changed my toothbrush because the bristles were wearing down. My brother later asked me why I changed his toothbrush. Apparently we've been sharing the same one for the past several weeks. FML

by gross / 05/02/2015 at 2:39pm / Canada (Ontario) / Miscellaneous

Today, I met a really cute guy at work. He asked for my number, and I wrote it down on a piece of paper. After looking at the paper, he crumpled it up, yelled "Do you think I'm stupid? I know the rejection hotline when I see it", and walked away. It was my real phone number. FML

by sad / 04/24/2009 at 4:18am / United States (Virginia) / Love

Today, I got a ticket from a cop for not riding my bike in the bike lane. I wasn't riding in the bike lane because I was avoiding construction work. FML

by donny31459 / 08/10/2011 at 10:44am / United States (Michigan) / Money

Today, after a root canal, I went to the pharmacy for some pain killers. The cute girl behind the counter asked what I needed. When I opened my mouth to tell her, a wave of drool hurtled out and splattered on the counter. FML

by maninpain / 10/10/2011 at 3:44pm / Kenya / Love

Today, I had to convince my girlfriend that, no matter how much she makes herself burp, she won't lose any weight. She still doesn't understand why. FML

by Anonymous / 12/13/2011 at 3:26pm / United States / Love