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Today, while visiting my grandparents, my grandpa decided to explain to me the real reason that the old sofa I was sitting on had always been so discolored. He says they were bleach stains left while cleaning up the mess made during my father's conception. FML

#21015718
50 comments

I agree, your life sucks (39307) - you deserved it (3485)

On 01/03/2014 at 5:36pm - misc - by estranger (woman) - United States

Today, during a lecture, my teacher jokingly talked about the time he was best buds with George Washington. Another student then asked, "Really? You knew him?" I'm in an advanced placement U.S. history class. FML

#21065125
88 comments

I agree, your life sucks (41177) - you deserved it (3485)

On 02/19/2014 at 12:12am - work - by Dsark (man) - United States (California)

Today, I was planning on going on a date with a girl I've really liked. She told me today was the only we could hang out before her trip. I got an expensive hair cut, planned on cooking her dinner, and pulled a few strings and got on the list for a big concert. Turns out she'd rather go shopping FML

#6377384
71 comments

I agree, your life sucks (28589) - you deserved it (3484)

On 11/20/2009 at 3:25am - love - by sadday (man) - United States (Utah)

Today, my dad decided that my diploma makes a good pen-tester. FML

#11111501
174 comments

I agree, your life sucks (47292) - you deserved it (3484)

On 06/10/2010 at 8:57pm - misc - by dominator152 - United States (North Carolina)

Today, my roommate told me that she wants to get some of those "My Family" stickers for her car. She's single and has no children. What does she want to get? One for her, and one for her goldfish. Sadly, this is probably one of the most intelligent things she's said all week. FML

#20528651
49 comments

I agree, your life sucks (26801) - you deserved it (3484)

On 03/02/2013 at 9:35pm - misc - by dumbass for a flatmate - Australia (New South Wales)

Today, this weird kid in class asked me on a date. He claims to be a werewolf. His excuse for not being able to turn into one? A "rare disease." His excuse for everyone rejecting him? "Friend-zoning bitches." I was the last resort even for a jackoff "nice guy" werewolf. FML

#20829503
74 comments

I agree, your life sucks (38638) - you deserved it (3484)

On 08/09/2013 at 6:13pm - misc - by WHAT A NICE GUY YOU ARE, SIR SHITSPAWN!!!1! (woman) - United States

Today, I took my girlfriend for what I thought would be a romantic horse-drawn carriage ride. We didn't expect the horse to die in the middle of it. FML

#21286332
163 comments

I agree, your life sucks (49388) - you deserved it (3484)

On 10/27/2014 at 2:48pm - love - by subduedbeast - United States

Today, I asked a girl I like to homecoming. I brought her to my house beforehand for dinner with my family. My brother asked her whether we were just friends or dating, she shouts "Just friends!" and then starts flirting with him with me in the room. FML

#5744040
104 comments

I agree, your life sucks (37528) - you deserved it (3483)

On 10/09/2009 at 6:11pm - misc - by Charon - United States (Virginia)

Today, my college professor handed every student a note card and told us to rate his looks from 1 to 5. Is this what I pay $20,000 a year for? FML

#14716762
93 comments

I agree, your life sucks (29828) - you deserved it (3483)

On 01/26/2011 at 2:45am - misc - by SLOMan90 (man) - United States (California)

Today, I met my father for the first time since I was a baby. The first comment out of his mouth was, "I bet all the boys love those motherfucking bazongas, don't they?" Hi, Dad. FML

#14396481
87 comments

I agree, your life sucks (44857) - you deserved it (3483)

On 12/30/2010 at 2:23pm - intimacy - by Anonymous (woman) - United Kingdom (York)

Today, I walked in on my roommate flat-ironing his pubic hair. FML

#14524101
134 comments

I agree, your life sucks (34157) - you deserved it (3483)

On 01/09/2011 at 7:19pm - health - by curlyisnogood -

Today, I was watching a movie with my boyfriend, when things got a little frisky and we started making out. It was my first time French-kissing, and apparently he has a very sensitive gag reflex, because the moment my tongue went in, he started retching, and vomited moments later. FML

#20134512
114 comments

I agree, your life sucks (26047) - you deserved it (3483)

On 10/26/2012 at 5:59pm - love - by Anonymous (woman) - Switzerland (Zurich)

Today, my little sister was scared to sleep alone, so my parents made her sleep in bed with me. I barely slept, due to the utter terror of waking up to her chanting into my ear in a low whisper, "This is where you die, this is where you die..." FML

#20709788
100 comments

I agree, your life sucks (51059) - you deserved it (3483)

On 06/06/2013 at 2:47pm - kids - by Anonymous (woman) - Isle of Man



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