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Today, I was awakened from a peaceful sleep by my crazy ex-girlfriend, who apparently copied my key before our break up three months ago. She was on top of me, stroking my beard, whispering: “He looks like Jesus.” FML

#6842444
115 comments

I agree, your life sucks (39950) - you deserved it (3170)

On 12/20/2009 at 3:47am - misc - by Anonymous (man) - Canada (Ontario)

Today, my girlfriend compared my penis to a snake. Not because of the size or shape, but because a snake is not something she imagines herself ever touching. FML

#19281835
124 comments

I agree, your life sucks (28520) - you deserved it (3170)

On 03/15/2012 at 7:50am - intimacy - by Anonymous - United States

Today, my boyfriend told me love is like a drug. I started tearing up because this is the most romantic he has been in a while. He then went on to break up with me, telling me that my "prescription is up". FML

#18577154
114 comments

I agree, your life sucks (30625) - you deserved it (3170)

On 12/22/2011 at 3:09am - love - by Jean - United Kingdom (Surrey)

Today, as if to prove that there is no end to the unspeakable stupidity of the human race, a patient was brought into my hospital, needing a cellphone removed from his anus. FML

#20872880
175 comments

I agree, your life sucks (49503) - you deserved it (3170)

On 09/08/2013 at 12:38pm - work - by Anonymous (man) - Switzerland (Bern)

Today, I found out how easy it is for people to get into my flat when I found bailiffs in my kitchen at 9am. They had picked the lock to look for someone who doesn't live at my address, but at least had the courtesy to tell me how to make my home more secure. FML

Today, after being married for 20 years, I found out that my wife has accounts on multiple dating sites, "just in case." FML

#21007851
102 comments

I agree, your life sucks (40047) - you deserved it (3169)

On 12/28/2013 at 12:10am - misc - by Anonymous (man) - United States (Michigan)

Today, I had six friends round for pizza. When I went to answer the door to the delivery, my friends turned off the lights and pretended they weren't there when I shouted for help carrying all the food. Not only does the cute delivery guy think I'm greedy, but also that I have imaginary friends. FML

#6464238
46 comments

I agree, your life sucks (26568) - you deserved it (3168)

On 11/26/2009 at 3:30pm - misc - by has-evil-friends (woman) - United Kingdom (Nottingham)

Today, I was pointing out my car to my roommate. He responded with, "Oh that one with the broken window?" Turns out my car had been broken into. They took my CD player, GPS and Ipod. On top of that they left a Reese's Fastbreak wrapper and sunflower seeds on my front seat. FML

#7324506
66 comments

I agree, your life sucks (22094) - you deserved it (3168)

On 01/13/2010 at 7:08pm - misc - by Eli (man) - United States (Illinois)

Today, my mom was taking an online IQ test. To the question "On which continent is Canada located?" she responded "Antarctica." If intelligence is genetic, I'm screwed. FML

#12438050
189 comments

I agree, your life sucks (30662) - you deserved it (3168)

On 08/10/2010 at 7:19pm - misc - by Brandon (man) - United States (Connecticut)

Today, I started my new job as a teacher. Worried about how I looked, I asked a coworker if I looked okay. She said, "You look fine. Just like a normal high school kid." I spent the next half hour convincing her that I was not a student, but a teacher. FML

#17569578
110 comments

I agree, your life sucks (24689) - you deserved it (3168)

On 08/24/2011 at 4:33pm - work - by Meagan smith - United States (Colorado)

Today, I went to a Dodger game with my crush. Between innings, the "Kiss cam" came up on the big screen. The camera happened to land on us, and when my crush saw us on the screen, he leaned away from me and buried his face in his hands. Everyone saw, and sympathetically said "Awww." FML

#2763801
155 comments

I agree, your life sucks (54258) - you deserved it (3168)

On 06/10/2009 at 2:38am - misc - by dodgerkiss (woman) - United States (California)

Today, I was reading to a child during nap time because she woke up crying. She calmed down right after I began reading, but soon started crying again. I was confused until I felt something warm and wet on my leg. She peed on me. FML

#13728645
79 comments

I agree, your life sucks (22402) - you deserved it (3167)

On 11/05/2010 at 6:02pm - work - by Username - France

Today, while at Six Flags my boyfriend won a huge stuffed animal for me. After a whole day of carrying it around, when he dropped me off he told me that he wants the stuffed animal back. He just didn't want to carry it around all day. FML

#17950991
128 comments

I agree, your life sucks (33411) - you deserved it (3167)

On 10/10/2011 at 9:56am - misc - by Username - United States (Texas)



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