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Today, I realized that every time I hear running water, I have less than a minute to find a toilet or I'll pee my pants. FML

by walnutbladder / 01/07/2011 at 4:46pm / United States (California) / Health

Today, I broke my toe. My mom didn't think it was necessary to take me to hospital, opting to give me some painkillers instead. They were so strong that I fell asleep for an hour during my exam. FML

by BigToe / 04/26/2011 at 12:00pm / United States (New Hampshire) / Health

Today, while my boyfriend was packing for his annual hunting trip, I saw him slip a box of condoms into his bag. FML

by Mary / 12/04/2011 at 5:47pm / United States / Love

Today, I had to do community service work, so I helped out at a senior center. One of the confused elderly patients, who believed the Cold War was still on, thought I was a Soviet and started screaming about how I was going to nuke his country. FML

by communistgirl / 01/24/2012 at 11:42am / United States / Work

Today, my therapist gave me some great self-sufficiency advice. It sounded familiar. When I got home I realized she had been quoting Christina Aguilera songs. For £100 an hour. FML

by PixieWrists / 03/13/2012 at 1:33pm / United Kingdom (Cambridgeshire) / Health

Today, my fiancée decided to go on a "vacation." Our wedding is tomorrow. FML

by Guntherdog / 06/27/2013 at 11:17am / United States / Miscellaneous

Today I got sunburned on my cheeks. This wouldn't be too bad if they were the ones on my face. FML

by Bunsofpain / 06/16/2016 at 2:56pm / United States / Health

Today, at about 1 a.m. I got a drunk text from my girlfriend thanking me for the amazing sex last night. I have been out of town for 3 days. FML

by desocrates / 06/20/2009 at 6:54pm / United States (Colorado) / Intimacy

Today, I had a surprise birthday party for my mom who turned 57. About an hour into the party, I look over at my mom and she was grinding all over my best friend while holding a bottle of tequila in her hand, and a pair of leopard skin panties hanging out of her pants. FML

by KmartFart / 10/04/2009 at 12:25pm / United States (North Carolina) / Miscellaneous

Today, a man punched me for sleeping with his wife. Bewildered, I insisted I would never sleep with a married woman, to which he retorted "She wasn't my wife when it HAPPENED, dumbass!" I was assaulted for sleeping with my own girlfriend three years ago. FML

by Anonymous / 09/27/2011 at 3:53pm / United States (Massachusetts) / Love

Today, I congratulated a bride standing in front of a church in a white dress. Turns out she'd been stood up at the altar. She thrashed me with her bouquet. FML

by Wrongword / 04/17/2012 at 6:52am / China (Shanghai) / Miscellaneous

Today, I donated blood. Afterwards, I regained consciousness on the floor with a half-eaten cookie in my mouth. FML

by Haberdashing / 11/13/2013 at 3:10pm / United States (Massachusetts) / Health

This FML has been commented on by its original poster.

Today, my girlfriend is locked in the bathroom crying because I didn't buy her anything for Valentine's Day, even though Friday, at her suggestion, we agreed not to exchange gifts because both of our birthdays are a week away. FML

by R281780 / 02/14/2016 at 10:53am / United States (California) / Love