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Today, my friends convinced me to go out clubbing with them for the first time. "You'll get some action", they said. The only action I got was some drunk bloke staggering into me and spraying me with vomit just minutes after arriving. FML

by thanks, cunt-o / 03/01/2014 at 12:23pm / Australia (Victoria) / Miscellaneous

Today, I went into work to waitress on a table of 40 guests. They were my only table for the day and the bill came to over 700 dollars. After they left the busser was cleaning the table and threw out the credit card receipt which had my tip on it. FML

by Anonymous / 06/28/2009 at 2:43pm / United States (New York) / Money

Today, I saw an elderly woman in need of help of crossing a street. I helped her across. On the way she just about fell and held onto me to keep from hitting the ground. After she left on her bus I reached for my wallet. It was gone. I had just been robbed by a 70 year old. FML

by Anonymous / 11/28/2010 at 1:02am / United States (Oklahoma) / Money

Today, while my boyfriend was packing for his annual hunting trip, I saw him slip a box of condoms into his bag. FML

by Mary / 12/04/2011 at 5:47pm / United States / Love

Today, I donated blood. Afterwards, I regained consciousness on the floor with a half-eaten cookie in my mouth. FML

by Haberdashing / 11/13/2013 at 3:10pm / United States (Massachusetts) / Health

This FML has been commented on by its original poster.

Today, my therapist gave me some great self-sufficiency advice. It sounded familiar. When I got home I realized she had been quoting Christina Aguilera songs. For £100 an hour. FML

by PixieWrists / 03/13/2012 at 1:33pm / United Kingdom (Cambridgeshire) / Health

Today, my parents yelled at me for 10 minutes without letting me get a word in edgeways for getting a 48 on my test. They took my phone, unplugged my internet, and took my car keys. They wouldn't listen no matter how many times I told them, "It was out of 50". It actually was. FML

by :) / 05/29/2013 at 3:31am / United States / Miscellaneous

Today, I found out my best friend had 3 birthday parties for herself over the weekend. I wasn't invited to any of them. When I asked her why, she said I "didn't fit in" to any of the groups that were at the parties. All my other friends were invited. FML

by Anonymous / 04/30/2009 at 10:51am / United States / Miscellaneous

Today, I was walking my dog when, as usual, he did his business in the grass and stepped off to the side. I squatted and reached for the bag when my dog spotted another canine. He lunged forward in excitement and I landed face forward in the feces. FML

by gera3gera / 10/06/2009 at 10:07pm / United States (California) / Animals

Today, during a drunken night out, a really trashed friend said to me, "Jeez, even when I’m drunk, you're really ugly." FML

by SkinsCastSelection / 01/17/2011 at 11:44am / France / Love

Today, I saw my brother on TV after 3 years of no contact. He was being arrested on Cops. FML

by Sarah / 06/11/2011 at 8:54pm / United States (Kentucky) / Miscellaneous

Today, I found out that the only two people I've had feelings for in years are both dating each other. FML

by Forever Alone x2 / 01/07/2012 at 2:47pm / United States (California) / Love

Today, I found out that even though your brother agrees to watch your dogs for a week, it does not mean that he will pick up after them. Apparently, it's okay to leave piss and shit all over the deck and floors because they're not his dogs and he shouldn't have to clean up their messes. FML

by JennyPenny / 10/17/2012 at 11:53am / United States (Kansas) / Animals