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Today, I went to court expecting to walk out a free man. Turns out my misdemeanor offense couldn't compare to the crime I committed when I walked into the court house with a switchblade tucked into my shoe. FML

#17500518
112 comments

I agree, your life sucks (8092) - you deserved it (98712)

On 08/17/2011 at 2:27pm - misc - by Tom - United States (Texas)

Today, I was masturbating into a sock when I felt something on my cock. I quickly ripped the sock off and threw it on the floor... and watched a huge spider come scurrying out. I just inadvertently fucked a spider. FML

#278783
321 comments

I agree, your life sucks (52535) - you deserved it (98531)

On 03/11/2009 at 8:23pm - intimacy - by SpiderMan (man) - United States (Michigan)

Today, I got my drivers license suspended until I am 18 for driving without a license. Where was I driving to? My last day of Drivers Ed. The high school where I take Drivers Ed. classes at is across the street from my house. I gave up 3 years of driving to drive 100 feet. FML

#2822443
341 comments

I agree, your life sucks (26422) - you deserved it (98419)

On 06/12/2009 at 2:13am - misc - by studentdriver828 (woman) - United States (North Carolina)

Today, I went on a blind date. We had agreed on meeting in front of a park. Thinking I was there first, I texted her "I'm already there, sitting next to the fat chick." I heard a beep. SHE was the "fat chick." FML

#5292418
337 comments

I agree, your life sucks (21379) - you deserved it (98410)

On 09/16/2009 at 2:23pm - love - by sarahh38 (man) - Canada (Quebec)

Today, I asked the girl I like to send me 'yummy pictures.' I got a picture of cheesecake. FML

#17213168
375 comments

I agree, your life sucks (11139) - you deserved it (97500)

On 07/22/2011 at 2:29am - love - by Anonymous - United States (Texas)

Today, I had my buddies over for a few beers and, trying to be cool, I told my wife to get out of the living room and back in the kitchen. I felt smug, right up until she said, "Why? Your mom doesn't need to be turned over for another 20 minutes, dick." FML

#15052365
412 comments

I agree, your life sucks (7336) - you deserved it (97429)

On 02/20/2011 at 1:44pm - misc - by :/ - Canada (Alberta)

Today, a very good friend of mine said he had a question to ask me. Jokingly, I threw my arms around his neck and said, "Oh yes, yes, a thousand times yes!" When I sat back down, I saw tears in his eyes, and he said, "You've made me the happiest man alive" as he pulled a small box out of his coat. FML

#4340185
262 comments

I agree, your life sucks (26505) - you deserved it (97366)

On 08/06/2009 at 5:25pm - love - by dundundadumb (woman) - United States (Texas)

Today, after sex with my girlfriend, I thought it would be sexy to wear her underwear until we saw each other again. I found a pair in her bathroom, but they definitely weren't her sexy ones. Her mom walked in on me to collect the laundry and screeched "What are you doing with my panties!" FML

#483227
190 comments

I agree, your life sucks (15580) - you deserved it (97299)

On 03/20/2009 at 1:37am - intimacy - by HughGorgy (man) - Canada (British Columbia)

Today, I called a priest "lame". He responded jokingly with "God will smite you!" I laughed and walked out the door. I tripped and broke my ankle. FML

#280211
177 comments

I agree, your life sucks (33345) - you deserved it (97228)

On 03/12/2009 at 8:07am - health - by lolzor (woman) - Australia (Queensland)

Today, driving some friends back from a party I said, "Did everyone see Lisa totally hanging off of Pat tonight?! It was hilarious!!". There was a long silence, then one of my friends said "...you know Lisa is in the car, right?" FML

#480695
78 comments

I agree, your life sucks (17169) - you deserved it (96949)

On 03/19/2009 at 11:41pm - misc - by StephD (woman) - Canada (Ontario)

Today, I was having sex with my girlfriend. I really get off on hearing her say my name so I was imagining her doing so more often than she actually was. I then called out my own name by accident. FML

#1714855
230 comments

I agree, your life sucks (27529) - you deserved it (96926)

On 05/07/2009 at 10:45am - intimacy - by eeh (woman) - United States (Ohio)

Today, I was on the bus home and on the phone with my best friend discussing my sex life with this new guy I'm seeing. I was telling her all sorts of raunchy sex things we've done until someone taps my shoulder and says "I'm sure he doesn't appreciate you saying this in public." It was his mom. FML

#2093858
203 comments

I agree, your life sucks (27122) - you deserved it (96854)

On 05/19/2009 at 8:51pm - intimacy - by Kens (woman) - Canada (Alberta)



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