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Today, I had my buddies over for a few beers and, trying to be cool, I told my wife to get out of the living room and back in the kitchen. I felt smug, right up until she said, "Why? Your mom doesn't need to be turned over for another 20 minutes, dick." FML

#15052365
413 comments

I agree, your life sucks (8555) - you deserved it (105517)

On 02/20/2011 at 1:44pm - misc - by :/ - Canada (Alberta)

Today, a very good friend of mine said he had a question to ask me. Jokingly, I threw my arms around his neck and said, "Oh yes, yes, a thousand times yes!" When I sat back down, I saw tears in his eyes, and he said, "You've made me the happiest man alive" as he pulled a small box out of his coat. FML

#4340185
266 comments

I agree, your life sucks (29709) - you deserved it (104362)

On 08/06/2009 at 5:25pm - love - by dundundadumb (woman) - United States (Texas)

Today, I went to court expecting to walk out a free man. Turns out my misdemeanor offense couldn't compare to the crime I committed when I walked into the court house with a switchblade tucked into my shoe. FML

#17500518
113 comments

I agree, your life sucks (8897) - you deserved it (104027)

On 08/17/2011 at 2:27pm - misc - by Tom - United States (Texas)

Today, I was masturbating into a sock when I felt something on my cock. I quickly ripped the sock off and threw it on the floor... and watched a huge spider come scurrying out. I just inadvertently fucked a spider. FML

#278783
322 comments

I agree, your life sucks (55996) - you deserved it (104013)

On 03/11/2009 at 8:23pm - intimacy - by SpiderMan (man) - United States (Michigan)

Today, I called a priest "lame". He responded jokingly with "God will smite you!" I laughed and walked out the door. I tripped and broke my ankle. FML

#280211
178 comments

I agree, your life sucks (36371) - you deserved it (103516)

On 03/12/2009 at 8:07am - health - by lolzor (woman) - Australia (Queensland)

Today, I was on the bus home and on the phone with my best friend discussing my sex life with this new guy I'm seeing. I was telling her all sorts of raunchy sex things we've done until someone taps my shoulder and says "I'm sure he doesn't appreciate you saying this in public." It was his mom. FML

#2093858
206 comments

I agree, your life sucks (29466) - you deserved it (103463)

On 05/19/2009 at 8:51pm - intimacy - by Kens (woman) - Canada (Alberta)

Today, I had an interview for an internship at an independent lawyer's office. Hoping to increase my chances of being hired, I dressed up sexily with a short skirt, high heels, and ample cleavage. Turns out his wife handles the interviews. FML

#17579225
74 comments

I agree, your life sucks (10584) - you deserved it (102739) - Translated from the french version of FML. Bon appétit!

On 08/25/2011 at 5:45pm - love - by santa_maria - Reunion

Today, I was using my dad's cell because I had broken mine. I was texting my boyfriend all day when my dad needed his phone back. I forgot to tell my boyfriend that my dad would be using the phone. My boyfriend then texted graphically what he wanted to do to my dad. FML

#590218
77 comments

I agree, your life sucks (18077) - you deserved it (102455)

On 03/24/2009 at 10:46pm - misc - by Loho (woman) - Canada (Ontario)

Today, I was showing my new iPhone case to my friends, saying how it was scratchproof, shockproof, and waterproof. I demonstrated it by dropping it on the sidewalk from about 5 feet. It bounced onto the road. Apparently, its not truck-proof. FML

#2018927
141 comments

I agree, your life sucks (15564) - you deserved it (102439)

On 05/17/2009 at 3:49pm - misc - by Anonymous - United States

Today, my boyfriend was complaining of a scorpion sting on his leg. I told him to stop whining and get over it. Later, as I went to sleep, I felt a sharp pain in my arm. As I flipped on the light, I saw a scorpion crawling over the blankets. Now my entire arm is numb and I can't stop crying. FML

#4438831
289 comments

I agree, your life sucks (10809) - you deserved it (102334)

On 08/10/2009 at 11:18pm - misc - by Anonymous (woman) - United States (Arizona)

Today, I asked the girl I like to send me 'yummy pictures.' I got a picture of cheesecake. FML

#17213168
376 comments

I agree, your life sucks (12241) - you deserved it (102278)

On 07/22/2011 at 2:29am - love - by Anonymous - United States (Texas)

Today, I went on a blind date. We had agreed on meeting in front of a park. Thinking I was there first, I texted her "I'm already there, sitting next to the fat chick." I heard a beep. SHE was the "fat chick." FML

#5292418
332 comments

I agree, your life sucks (22325) - you deserved it (101886)

On 09/16/2009 at 2:23pm - love - by sarahh38 (man) - Canada (Quebec)

Today, my 15 year old girlfriend called to tell me she is pregnant. Her dad is ex-military, and makes a point of cleaning his guns every time I go to her house. FML

#17010843
715 comments

I agree, your life sucks (20445) - you deserved it (101735)

On 07/07/2011 at 3:43am - kids - by shit - United States



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