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Monday 11 March 2013

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Today, I woke to find my laptop and printer covered in what smells like pee. My boyfriend then confessed to me that he occasionally "sleep-pees". It's like sleepwalking, but where he urinates on random objects. FML

by marcymoo / 03/11/2013 at 12:09am / Australia (Western Australia) / Miscellaneous

Today, my pet parrot learned a new trick. In addition to imitating my dog, and my voice when I call my mother, it can now imitate my sex noises, and likes to screech them whenever someone comes into the room. FML

by Anonymous / 03/12/2013 at 12:43am / United States / Miscellaneous

Today, I was getting intimate with my boyfriend, when my upstairs neighbor decided to take the longest piss known to man. He moaned the entire time. FML

by Anonymous / 03/16/2013 at 2:19am / United States / Intimacy

Today, I found out why the parents whose children I babysit use me so often and on such short notice. It's not because they have abrupt nights out; it's because their kids hate me, and me being around is their way of punishing them. FML

by Anonymous / 03/13/2013 at 10:41am / United States (California) / Work

Today, I told my girlfriend I've been a vegetarian for 6 years. Hearing this, my mom said, "No, you're not. I fry your mushrooms and onions in bacon grease." With this new information, I've been a vegetarian for about 76 hours. FML

by Anonymous / 03/15/2013 at 12:01am / United States (Wisconsin) / Miscellaneous

Today, as always, I'm dating one of the few girls who, without fail, always finishes first when we get intimate. She's also one of those girlfriends who doesn't want to continue once she's done. FML

by WhyDoINeedAName / 03/13/2013 at 3:51pm / Canada (Alberta) / Intimacy

Today, my boyfriend and I were play-fighting. I managed to pin him down and win. He saw my grin, snorted, and bitterly said I'd only won because "let's face it, you're a bit of a porker, eh babe?" FML

by Anonymous / 03/13/2013 at 10:15pm / Australia (New South Wales) / Miscellaneous

Today, my pregnancy test came back positive. My boyfriend is no fan of fatherhood, so it was with some hesitation that I called him and let him know I'm pregnant. He replied, "Like hell you are!" and hung up. He now refuses to answer any of my calls. FML

by Anonymous / 03/14/2013 at 2:41pm / United States (Oregon) / Kids

Today, being too poor to buy makeup, I walked into Macy's and "tested" some products out, just so I could look nice for my job interview. FML

by Anonymous / 03/13/2013 at 9:47am / United States (California) / Work

Today, I went to the movies with my boyfriend. The movie was in 3D, and he couldn't help but notice it would be much cooler if you could feel what the characters did. He spent the next two hours slapping me every time the person in the movie did, claiming the movie would be "better". FML

by bruised / 03/13/2013 at 5:06pm / Canada (New Brunswick) / Miscellaneous

Today, I told my family I was divorcing my husband. My little sister asked if "we can keep him instead". FML

by Anonymous / 03/16/2013 at 11:51am / United States (Nebraska) / Kids

Today, I took my daughter on her first visit to the zoo. While we were watching the lemurs, some kid thought it would be funny to start shouting "MONKEY CUNTS" at them at the top of his voice. Now my daughter refuses to stop repeating the same phrase. FML

by Anonymous / 03/12/2013 at 10:05am / United Kingdom (London, City of) / Animals

Today, my boyfriend found out about my severe phobia of moths. It's so bad that I sometimes pass out. He caught a moth in a jar, and put it on my bedside table. I woke up, saw it, and had a panic attack. He recorded it all and wants to upload it to YouTube. FML

by Anonymous / 03/15/2013 at 2:05pm / United States / Health