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Friday 21 December 2012

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Today, I sent a cute, jokey text to my girlfriend saying, "Just in case the world ends, I love you." Not only did she dump me because I was an "idiot for believing in the doomsday", which I don't, she also wrote a Facebook status about it. Now everyone thinks I'm mentally unstable. FML

by Anonymous / 12/20/2012 at 7:37pm / Norway (Vestfold) / Love

Today, I caught my dog chewing on a tampon applicator. I tried to grab it from him, but he wanted to play "keep away" and ran outside. Like a dumbass, I chased after him in my underwear, earning myself the attention of my neighbors on each side of my driveway. FML

by ScoozieBooze / 12/20/2012 at 1:17pm / United States (New Mexico) / Miscellaneous

Today, I woke up with a hangover from hell. My clothes were stained with vomit, I was propped up on the sofa with a bowl between my knees, and my hair tied to one side. My mum was taking photos to send to Grandma. FML

by chunderful202 / 12/24/2012 at 3:46am / United Kingdom (Havering) / Miscellaneous

Today, I woke up from an explicit dream involving my dentist. I'm scheduled for a conscious sedation appointment with him in two hours and I'm terrified of what I might say or do while I'm under. FML

by ugh / 12/26/2012 at 9:05am / United States (Ohio) / Health

Today, my neighbor installed a large radio that loudly plays Christmas music 24/7. When I called in a complaint to the police department they told me to, "get in the Christmas spirit." FML

by James / 12/17/2012 at 9:28pm / United States / Miscellaneous

Today, I was drunk at a party and confessed my love for my crush and told her how I felt. According to my friends, I made out with another girl not long after my confession. FML

by Stupid Drunk / 12/22/2012 at 12:01am / United States / Love

Today, after spending a lot of money on photo shoots to build up my portfolio, I finally got an offer from a modelling agency. I ran outside to tell my parents, only for my brother to hurl an iced snowball straight into my face. I now have a huge gash over my cheek and nose. FML

by Anonymous / 12/28/2012 at 8:23pm / Canada (Alberta) / Health

Today, I tried to impress a girl at the gym on the squat rack, but let out a big fart. She was grossed out and laughed at me with her friends. Her boyfriend came over and told me I was a dead man, and I'd better leave. I'm now the proud owner of a year membership at a gym I can't go to. FML

by pipefitter28 / 12/27/2012 at 1:46am / Canada (British Columbia) / Health

Today, I had to slowly explain to my mother that Americans are not the only people who celebrate Christmas. FML

by Anonymous / 12/24/2012 at 8:31pm / United States (Connecticut) / Miscellaneous

Today, I ate brunch at my in-laws. The food all tasted off to me so I didn't eat much, telling my mother-in-law I was watching my weight. Later on, while out doing a bit of shopping, I stopped at a red light. Guess who pulled up next to me while I was scarfing a fast food burger. FML

by drkate25 / 12/18/2012 at 5:02pm / United States (Connecticut) / Miscellaneous

Today, at a post-Christmas party, I saw a cute girl standing underneath a mistletoe. I walked up to her and pointed out that we were both standing under a mistletoe. She looked at me, winced, and quickly walked away. FML

by Anonymous / 12/26/2012 at 9:09pm / United States (Georgia) / Love

Today, my extended family came over for Christmas. I forgot to get a present for my extremely sensitive aunt. I took a gift from my re-gift pile and wrapped it quickly. Little did I remember that it was the same gift she gave me last year. She noticed. FML

by Christmasloverandstuff / 12/25/2012 at 12:45pm / United States / Miscellaneous

Today, I was wrapping presents for my daughter, trying to be really quiet. Behind me, the cat decided to climb the tree, which then fell on top of me and I couldn't move. My daughter had to help me up. She now knows everything she's getting for Christmas this year. FML

by Christmas sucks / 12/23/2012 at 8:03pm / United States (Massachusetts) / Animals