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Sunday 4 November 2012

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Today, I sampled some of the food my fiancée's mom is making for our wedding. Everything tasted terrible, and I almost vomited. Turns out she never actually went to culinary school as she claimed, but had just watched Julie and Julia. It's too late to book another caterer for the wedding. FML

by WeddingWoes / 11/03/2012 at 3:42pm / United States (Missouri) / Health

Today, I decided to delete my Facebook account. My older sister repeatedly called me in tears asking why I'm cutting her out of my life. It seems I can't get rid of social media without my family taking offence. FML

by Anonymous / 11/03/2012 at 6:02am / Australia (New South Wales) / Miscellaneous

Today, I found my fiancé is cheating on me. Our wedding is in 26 days and everything is already paid for. FML

by Anonymous / 10/30/2012 at 3:34pm / United States / Love

Today, my hair straightener broke. My husband suggested putting electrical tape on it because it was heat proof. I did and started straightening my hair. The supposed heat proof tape melted and got stuck in my hair. FML

by Anonymous / 11/03/2012 at 9:50am / United States / Miscellaneous

Today, I'm at home, sick with walking pneumonia and a raging UTI. Every time I cough, I piss myself. I'm now having to lie on a bath towel and garbage bags until the meds kick in. FML

by jdch_99 / 11/03/2012 at 1:34am / Canada (Ontario) / Health

Today, a customer smiled, looked me in the eye and described to me in graphic detail the swelling that occurred to his nuts after his vasectomy. FML

by tmi. / 11/01/2012 at 9:52am / Australia / Work

Today, after the fourth time telling my roommate I'm highly allergic to her scented products, I came back to find all 6 of our wall outlets using Glade plug-ins. They were set to high. FML

Today, I started my new job as the only IT tech for my office. My first task: untangling the hundred mice the previous tech tied together for "fun". FML

by Anonymous / 11/06/2012 at 1:29pm / United States (Massachusetts) / Work

Today, I was complimented for having amazingly lifelike warts as part of my witch costume, and was asked how I achieved the effect so well. I didn't have the heart to admit they were just my pimples under green makeup. FML

by mistickfae / 10/29/2012 at 2:42pm / United States / Miscellaneous

Today, I gave a big presentation at work, hoping to impress my boss and angle for a promotion. I was already nervous, but a co-worker at the back kept making goofy faces, causing me to repeatedly break into laughter. My boss accused me of being high, and suspended me on the spot. FML

by YOUFUCKINGFUCKSOCK / 11/02/2012 at 8:23pm / United Kingdom (Gloucestershire) / Work

Today, after dealing with infidelity in my marriage, I found myself looking for advice. This led me to the comments section of a tabloid article talking about Kristen Stewart and Rob Pattinson. I'm a 30-year-old man taking marriage advice from a bunch of vampire-obsessed tweens. FML

by loser / 11/09/2012 at 11:07am / United States (Pennsylvania) / Love

Today, my deranged wife somehow became convinced that vampires actually exist. She's now walking around with garlic powder caked into her clothing. I can't get the smell out of my nostrils. FML

by Anonymous / 11/04/2012 at 1:14pm / Norway (Oslo) / Love

Today, while studying liver pathology and highlighting important lines in my textbook, I realized that I could count the number of words I hadn't highlighted on one hand, over the last six pages. FML

by ThisisMedSchool / 11/01/2012 at 5:18pm / United States (Tennessee) / Miscellaneous