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January 2013

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Today, after a week of intense fighting, my girlfriend of 4 years and I hung out. She told me she loved me, and I pointed out that last week she said she was going to dump me. Without missing a beat, she replied, "Only to scare you into submission." FML

by thanksbabe / 01/12/2013 at 1:32am / United States / Love

Today, I was walking my dog when he decided that he was too lazy to continue walking. It ended up with me looking like a crazy dog lady carrying my medium-sized dog home. FML

by life// / 01/08/2013 at 6:56pm / Canada (Alberta) / Animals

Today, I found out the hard way that I'm severely allergic to latex. FML

by swollenpenis / 01/25/2013 at 1:11am / Canada (Alberta) / Intimacy

Today, my boyfriend broke up with me because I'm too "high maintenance". And that's because I ask him to use condoms when we have sex, and I refuse to invite my friends over for threesomes. I don't know why I'm not actually glad we are broken up. FML

by kat124ever / 01/07/2013 at 3:35am / United States (Armed Forces Europe, Middle East) / Love

Today, I learned that toddlers cannot fully digest raisins. I learned this first-hand when my 15-month-old began pooping them whole. In the bathtub. FML

by Raela / 01/04/2013 at 11:59am / United States (New Jersey) / Kids

Today, I was yet again asked to show my hall pass. I'm 23 and work at a middle school. I've worked here for the last five months, so not only do I look 13 years old, I'm also not memorable enough for my own coworkers to recognize me. FML

by Can'tAgeOrMakeFriends / 01/11/2013 at 8:11pm / United States / Work

Today, I learned who my dad's new fiancée is. Upon meeting her she exclaimed, "My, I haven't seen you in a while!" She's my ex-boyfriend's mom. FML

by wtf dad / 01/09/2013 at 10:15pm / United States (Missouri) / Love

Today, I finally felt ready to have sex for the first time, with my boyfriend of nearly 8 months. When I told him, things became intimate and pants came off. He then looked at me and said, "Yeah, I can't do this." The rest of the night was spent in awkward silence. FML

by Anonymous / 01/15/2013 at 12:45pm / United States / Intimacy

Today, while making dinner I cut my finger badly with a knife. When I yelled for my dad to drive me to the hospital, he accused me of lying to get attention. He had to taste my blood before he decided it wasn't red-colored corn syrup. FML

by Anonymous / 01/14/2013 at 12:52am / United States (Washington) / Health

Today, while out hiking, my phone slipped out of my pocket. I caught it and gave it to my little cousin, giving her a "special mission" to keep it safe. When we got back to our cars later, I asked her for my phone back. Turns out she left it under a shrub back in the hills so it'd be "safe." FML

by Anonymous / 01/06/2013 at 7:24pm / United States (Idaho) / Miscellaneous

Today, I blew a huge gum bubble. My cat was on my lap and decided to shove her face in the bubble. There's gum all over her, and I still have scars from the last time I tried bathe her. FML

by Anonymous / 01/29/2013 at 12:41pm / United States (Iowa) / Animals

Today, my son sprayed Axe body-spray all over the house in the vain hope of covering up the scent of the joints he'd been smoking. FML

by Anonymous / 01/07/2013 at 3:01pm / United States (Connecticut) / Kids

Today, I told my boyfriend about my upcoming mouth surgery. He freaked out. Not because he's worried about me, but because I told him I will not be able to give him head for two weeks. FML