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Monday 28 January 2013

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Today, working as a nurse, I saw a patient in for follow-up after a partial leg amputation. I checked her blood pressure and gave her the reading, which prompted her husband to ask what it meant. She replied, "I'm alive." Before I could stop myself, "And kicking" spilled out of my mouth. FML

by facepalm / 02/04/2013 at 10:30pm / United States (New Jersey) / Health

Today, I finally found the courage to ask a guy I like out for a drink. He accepted, we drank, and when it came time to go home, I half-drunkenly left him my number. Once I got back home, I realized I'd actually given him my dad's number instead. FML

by 3some? uh, no / 02/01/2013 at 2:59pm / Dominican Republic / Love

Today, I spun off the road and into a ditch. The insurance company told me I'd have to wait an hour, as they had other cars to tow first. I had to pee so badly that I resorted to using the only thing I had in my car: a plastic bag. That's when I got a knock on my window from the tow truck driver. FML

by merp. / 02/02/2013 at 1:57am / United States (Wisconsin) / Transportation

Today, I tripped while walking down a large flight of stairs. As I fell forward, I instinctively reached out and grabbed onto one of the guys walking up. I ended up taking him and two other people down with me, earning myself a great many disgusted glares as I dusted myself off. FML

by Awkward / 02/01/2013 at 5:53pm / United Kingdom (Wolverhampton) / Health

Today, I was on the treadmill at the gym, when I felt my pants start slipping. I tried to pull them up, but lost my balance and fell face-first onto the floor. When I go to my wedding tomorrow, half the guests will probably think I've exchanged my fiancé for Chris Brown. FML

by Anonymous / 02/01/2013 at 6:31pm / Brazil / Health

Today, my boyfriend and I celebrated our anniversary. I had cooked him a romantic meal and we were planning on eating it in front of the fire. This would have gone great had I not forgotten to unblock the chimney. My entire basement filled with smoke and didn't clear for three hours. FML

by anonymous / 01/30/2013 at 11:02pm / Canada (Ontario) / Miscellaneous

Today, I was moving into my new apartment. The previous owner had refused to move out until today, and when I got there, I realized I didn't have a key. I was about to call him when I found out I didn't need to; he took the door. FML

by jeoak / 01/30/2013 at 12:25pm / India / Miscellaneous

Today, I woke up to a voice-mail from my manager saying I had the day off. Excited, I made plans with my friends. A few minutes ago I got a call from my other manager yelling at me for not showing up, and the original manager revealed he had me confused with another girl. FML

by TheBaconater / 02/03/2013 at 11:22am / United States (Wisconsin) / Work

Today, I was given a wedgie by a complete stranger in a crowded bar. FML

by Anonymous / 02/03/2013 at 8:20pm / United States / Miscellaneous

Today, I spent most of my daughter's 8th birthday with her in the hospital while her broken arm was put in a cast. Apparently, my son had told her that some people gained the ability to fly on their 8th birthday before encouraging her to find out by jumping off the slippery slide. FML

by Anonymous / 01/30/2013 at 5:50pm / Australia (Queensland) / Kids

Today, my pants ripped while I was at work. I had to keep my balls to the wall while I dodged customers and edged ever closer to the break room. Before I could call my wife and ask her to bring a new pair, my boss burst in, got pissed, and made me go back out and deal with irate customers. FML

by fuckit / 01/31/2013 at 3:27pm / Italy (Lazio) / Work

Today, my boyfriend came over for a family brunch, during which he told my mother, in vivid detail, how he gets the shits whenever he eats kale chips. FML

by shitty situation / 01/28/2013 at 6:02pm / Canada (Ontario) / Health

Today, my co-worker told me that I need to quit smoking because it was making me look and smell horrible. I've never smoked in my life. FML

by Mattrd / 02/04/2013 at 7:42pm / United States / Health