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Saturday 12 January 2013

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Today, I have severe back pain that is only relieved by lying flat on my bed. I also have acid reflux that is only prevented by sitting straight up. FML

by Kftc88 / 01/11/2013 at 3:03am / United States (California) / Health

Today, while giving my girlfriend a back-rub, she moaned and commented, "If only you could fuck this well." FML

by Anonymous / 01/12/2013 at 12:57pm / Norway (Rogaland) / Love

Today, I was yet again asked to show my hall pass. I'm 23 and work at a middle school. I've worked here for the last five months, so not only do I look 13 years old, I'm also not memorable enough for my own coworkers to recognize me. FML

by Can'tAgeOrMakeFriends / 01/11/2013 at 8:11pm / United States / Work

Today, I attended my aunt's open-casket funeral. My sister spent the first quarter of an hour neither grieving nor celebrating her life, but whining that the "cute" clothes my aunt was dressed in could have been handed down to her, instead of being "wasted". FML

by sophietr8 / 01/19/2013 at 3:38pm / Netherlands (Friesland) / Miscellaneous

This FML has been commented on by its original poster.

Today, I caught my boyfriend wearing yoga pants and taking pictures of his butt to post on a "Girls in yoga pants" site. He saw my expression and said, "Nah, it's cool, I hid my junk so they'll think it's a chick!" FML

by Amy / 01/10/2013 at 12:09am / United States / Intimacy

Today, my boss called me over to his office; he wanted me to fire four hardworking employees. One of them was the girl I was going to ask out. FML

by AnonUser464 / 01/08/2013 at 11:40am / United States / Work

Today, my daughter learned a new song. This would be great, except for the lisp her teacher has. I now have a child screaming about the "itchy bitchy spider" at the top of her lungs. FML

by ugh / 01/08/2013 at 8:01pm / United States (Michigan) / Kids

Today, my mom wished me "Happy Conception Day." FML

by Anonymous / 01/16/2013 at 4:08pm / United States (California) / Miscellaneous

Today, my boyfriend broke up with me because I'm too "high maintenance". And that's because I ask him to use condoms when we have sex, and I refuse to invite my friends over for threesomes. I don't know why I'm not actually glad we are broken up. FML

by kat124ever / 01/07/2013 at 3:35am / United States (Armed Forces Europe, Middle East) / Love

Today, I learned who my dad's new fiancée is. Upon meeting her she exclaimed, "My, I haven't seen you in a while!" She's my ex-boyfriend's mom. FML

by wtf dad / 01/09/2013 at 10:15pm / United States (Missouri) / Love

Today, as per usual, my mother went to see her psychic, who told her that one of her children is harbouring a "dark secret". Now we're all grounded until one of us confesses our obviously non-existent secret. FML

by daughter of a gullible cunt / 01/13/2013 at 4:02pm / Australia / Miscellaneous

Today, my mother-in-law gave me a bottle of champagne for my birthday. This is the third year in a row she has done this. I'm a recovering alcoholic, and she's well aware of that fact. FML

by Ari / 01/16/2013 at 1:36am / Health

Today, I came home to find my girlfriend crying. Concerned, I quickly asked her what was wrong. She told me tearfully that she couldn't understand why her pet lizards hadn’t grown into dinosaurs yet, and that pet store had cheated her. I’m still concerned now, but for entirely different reasons. FML

by WTF / 01/16/2013 at 2:52am / Miscellaneous