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Saturday 12 January 2013

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Today, I realized that I'm so depressed that I can't even watch porn without getting upset about how I can't get laid. FML

by jakeeey / 01/17/2013 at 8:16pm / Canada (Ontario) / Intimacy

Today, I got into an accident on my motorcycle. When I told my wife that the doctor said I couldn't have sex for two weeks, she couldn't contain her joy. FML

by Anonymous / 01/08/2013 at 12:20am / United States / Intimacy

Today, I tried to get my boyfriend to roll over while he was asleep. He snores loud enough to wake the neighbors and if he lays on his side he usually stops. Instead of rolling over, he stuck his leg in the air, farted twice, and laughed about it in his sleep. He's still snoring. FML

by no sleep for me / 01/08/2013 at 2:44am / Miscellaneous

Today, I told my girlfriend that my identical twin and I are not in fact related, that he's adopted, and that the only reason we look exactly the same is because we eat and drink the same things. She actually believed it. FML

by datingablonde / 01/11/2013 at 12:20am / Australia (Western Australia) / Miscellaneous

Today, one of my paintings was accepted into a local art gallery. It would've been a dream come true, had my "best friend" not submitted it under her own name and taken all the credit. FML

by Anonymous / 01/11/2013 at 2:47pm / United States (California) / Miscellaneous

Today, I realized I'm so lonely that I get comfort from hearing my neighbor snore through my apartment wall. FML

by LilRedRiding_27 / 01/13/2013 at 2:24am / United States (California) / Love

This FML has been commented on by its original poster.

Today, I decided to go to a UV-light party dressed all in white. Before leaving, my little brother dumped a glass of tomato juice over my head saying, "Now you look just like a used tampon!" FML

by Mary / 01/13/2013 at 10:49am / Czech Republic / Miscellaneous

Today, while on the bus, the guy sitting beside me let out the vilest and most nauseating fart I've ever encountered, the kind that could retroactively sterilize five generations of one's ancestors with the smell alone. As I gagged, he smirked and said, "That's Taco Bell for ya." FML

by methane overload / 01/18/2013 at 8:32pm / United States / Miscellaneous

Today, I asked my mom what her biggest craving was when she was pregnant with me. Her answer: an abortion. FML

by kk / 01/09/2013 at 11:07am / United States / Miscellaneous

Today, after working the midnight shift at my job, I thought it would be nice to leave a sweet love note along with my boyfriend's favourite candy in his car. Upon finding it, he immediately broke up with me for "breaking into" his car. FML

by Anonymous / 01/15/2013 at 7:14am / Canada (Quebec) / Love

Today, our company's owner's son took over. The first thing he did? Fire me. Why? He said my sales are down. I work in Public Relations. FML

by itsjustwill / 01/16/2013 at 7:35pm / United States (Washington) / Work

Today, while trying to quietly sneak a midnight snack with my girlfriend, I was slowly opening the pantry door so I wouldn't wake my mother. My girlfriend came and swung open the door onto my foot, taking the top layer of skin with it. FML

by Anonymous / 01/13/2013 at 7:41am / United States / Miscellaneous

Today, I got home only to discover my dog was missing. After spending ages roaming the freezing streets calling his name, I returned to find him stuck behind the couch with my chewed-up new shoes in his muzzle. FML

by Coldandshoeless / 01/08/2013 at 5:40am / United States (New Jersey) / Animals