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Thursday 3 January 2013

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Today, my wife is pregnant and sick. She switches from sobbing she's sorry for that, to blaming me for "doing this to me." On top of that, I have half her symptoms now: throwing up and crying for no reason. This will be a long 9 months. FML

Today, I got genuinely annoyed at myself when I realised I probably lack the skills to survive a Zombie apocalypse. FML

by drake86 / 01/09/2013 at 11:42am / United Kingdom (Argyll and Bute) / Miscellaneous

Today, I got fired from my job because I "look too grumpy." FML

by Anonymous / 01/02/2013 at 2:28am / Canada (Alberta) / Work

Today, I've been struggling with my English paper for the past hour, because I can't concentrate. This is because my mom is in the room next to me, singing to her pet rat about what a cute little boy he is, in between yelling at him to stop "molesting" her. FML

by theycallmekitty / 01/10/2013 at 7:02pm / United States (Georgia) / Animals

Today, I went out for dinner with my long-term crush, who turned out to be a huge dog person. He asked me which dog breed I like the most. In an attempt to reply with both Labrador and Doberman, I accidentally said Dumbledore. FML

by Anonymous / 01/10/2013 at 7:20am / Slovakia / Miscellaneous

Today, a girl I've been talking to online for a while asked me if I wanted to meet her in person. Two hours of driving later, I end up at her house. When she opened the door, she screamed and called the cops on me. While detained, she called my phone asking why I never showed up today. FML

by GDBeast / 01/09/2013 at 6:55pm / United States / Love

Today, my partner was inspired by 50 Shades Of Grey to try making me orgasm with a full bladder, therefore intensifying the experience. He was right, it was mind blowing. It also made me piss the bed for the first time in twenty-odd years. FML

by wetsheets / 01/07/2013 at 8:01am / United Kingdom (Cardiff) / Intimacy

Today, I discovered after 11 months, my girlfriend is finally ready to have sex. I discovered this by walking in on her and one of my friends. FML

by finallyready / 01/08/2013 at 2:56pm / United Kingdom (Birmingham) / Love

Today, my boyfriend took me to his house and introduced me to his parents. He also showed me around his bedroom. I think he forgot to remove the dartboard on his wall, taped to which was a swiss-cheesed printout of one of my Facebook photos. FML

by WasZumTeufel? / 12/31/2012 at 7:55pm / Germany (Nordrhein-Westfalen) / Love

Today, I found out that I was pregnant and sent a picture of the positive test to my boyfriend. Before I got a text back from him, I got his newly updated Facebook status that read "This has got to be the most depressing day of my life." FML

by kiken.bara / 01/06/2013 at 3:17am / United States / Miscellaneous

Today, my wife and I had a fight, which I thought we resolved. Later, while painting the kitchen, I told her to change into an old shirt she didn't care about. She made a huge show of putting her wedding gown on, veil and all. FML

by Anonymous / 01/01/2013 at 4:33pm / United States (Georgia) / Love

Today, I realized my girlfriend makes the same exact noises in bed and when she eats. I don't know if I'm a really good cook or a really bad lover. FML

by Anonymous / 01/06/2013 at 8:06am / United States (Florida) / Intimacy

Today, my boss "borrowed" my prescription sunglasses off my desk. She crashed her car because they made her dizzy, and thinks I should pay for the damages. FML

by whateven / 01/08/2013 at 12:45pm / United States (Pennsylvania) / Work