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November 2012

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Today, I tried to motivate my 9-year-old sister to clean her room. She said she'd only agree if she could kill me. Thinking she was just kidding around, and not a total psychopath, I said sure. She ran to her room shouting, "Yes! I'm gonna use the big knife!" She's still cleaning now. FML

by anon / 11/21/2012 at 2:34pm / United Kingdom (London, City of) / Kids

Today, my girlfriend confronted me for forgetting to take the trash out. At some point during the argument, I tried to calm her down, and the words "I should of" escaped my lips. She spent the next ten minutes calling me stupid and laughing at how my grammar goes to hell when I'm distressed. FML

by Gus / 11/30/2012 at 2:30pm / Canada (British Columbia) / Love

Today, multiple people admired my elaborate face paint. This happens every Halloween, at least every Halloween since I got badly burnt in a car accident. FML

by Anonymous / 11/01/2012 at 7:17am / United Kingdom (Kingston upon Hull, City of) / Miscellaneous

Today, my boyfriend broke up with me. I came back home in tears, and eventually told my dad what was wrong. He immediately excused himself to the living room, where I heard him tell my mum, "She's gone all Taylor Swift again." FML

by notalovestory / 11/11/2012 at 5:48pm / United Kingdom (Hertford) / Love

Today, after losing twenty pounds to please my husband, the only comment I received was, "At least now only your personality sucks." FML

by 123alleyesonme / 11/02/2012 at 12:17am / United States (Texas) / Love

Today, I was walking through a crosswalk when a lady in a car looked at me with a horrified expression and then hit her door locks repeatedly. FML

by lobstercola / 11/24/2012 at 11:35am / Canada (Alberta) / Miscellaneous

Today, I realized that the bird I supposedly heard during the night throughout my childhood is actually the sound my mom makes when she comes. FML

by Heather / 11/12/2012 at 4:20pm / United States (Maryland) / Intimacy

Today, it's our third anniversary. After a candlelit dinner and a midnight boat ride, my wife turned down sex, because "it's too cliché." FML

by Anonymous / 11/26/2012 at 12:45am / United States / Intimacy

Today, I was told I will be having twins; this came as a shock since there are no twins in my family. When I asked my mom about it, she said that she wasn't surprised and not to worry about it because she had "absorbed her twin" and that the problem would "take care of itself." FML

by Anonymous / 11/08/2012 at 1:13am / United States (Texas) / Kids

Today, I received my first ever hand-job. It would have been great if she didn't wipe it across my face when I had finished and storm out of the room. FML

Today, at daycare, a little girl cussed me out because I didn't have any apple juice left. When I called her parents, they sided with her and cussed me out too. My boss refused to sympathize, and reprimanded me for not making sure we still had apple juice. FML

by Anonymous / 11/05/2012 at 12:01pm / United States (Maryland) / Kids

Today, my husband came home drunk off his ass at 2am. He started crying on my shoulder because he couldn't go home with some beautiful woman who hit on him, because sadly for him, he's married to me. FML

by Helen / 11/10/2012 at 5:15am / United States (Arkansas) / Love

Today, I was conducting a meeting regarding safety concerns on my field site. While I made a comment, a client rep yelled out that women don't know construction, and that I should be acting like a proper secretary and should get my boss. I'm the Construction Manager. FML

by ConstructionLady / 11/13/2012 at 1:49am / United States / Work