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Saturday 12 January 2013

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Today, my wife brought my 5-year-old daughter to visit me at the office. My boss has a speech impediment, and when she heard it, she exclaimed, "Hey my daddy can sound just like you! Show him daddy! Show him!" FML

by Anonymous / 01/12/2013 at 3:14am / United States (Texas) / Kids

Today, my husband and I finally agreed on something: marriage counseling. FML

by Anonymous / 01/12/2013 at 10:28am / Australia (New South Wales) / Love

Today, while giving my girlfriend a back-rub, she moaned and commented, "If only you could fuck this well." FML

by Anonymous / 01/12/2013 at 12:57pm / Norway (Rogaland) / Love

Today, my dad was helping me move my stuff out. I'd asked my boyfriend to deal with my sex toys and lingerie, but still my dad showed up later at my new place, handed me a box full of them all, and simply said, "I don't want to know." FML

by nean83 / 01/12/2013 at 12:11am / United States (California) / Intimacy

Today, I opened the door to go out for groceries. Lying on my doorstep was a pile of poop. A piece of paper was taped to the ground beside it that read, "Do it again and you'll get more than dog shit." I don't have the slightest clue who I pissed off, or how. FML

by fucking mafia or what?? / 01/12/2013 at 5:02pm / United States (Ohio) / Miscellaneous

Today, I found out that my sleep-walking is so bad that I regularly text my friend while I sleep. I have no idea how many times this has happened. FML

by I'm screwed / 01/12/2013 at 8:30pm / Canada (Alberta) / Health

Today, after a week of intense fighting, my girlfriend of 4 years and I hung out. She told me she loved me, and I pointed out that last week she said she was going to dump me. Without missing a beat, she replied, "Only to scare you into submission." FML

by thanksbabe / 01/12/2013 at 1:32am / United States / Love

Today, I found out that my dad, thinking it was an advertisement, threw away a letter from the college I applied to. FML

by gdog10122 / 01/12/2013 at 4:52am / United States / Miscellaneous

Today, my mom made up a new game. She thinks it's hilarious to hide my brother's creepy Batman toy around the house to creep me out. This has been going on for hours and I still scream every time. FML

by poohanne / 01/12/2013 at 1:36am / United States (Louisiana) / Miscellaneous

Today, I spontaneously poured my heart out for my boyfriend, telling him how much I love and adore him. He answered by leaning in close, saying "Jolly good" in an affected accent, and burping loud and clear in my ear. FML

by Anonymous / 01/12/2013 at 3:12pm / United Kingdom (Bristol, City of) / Love