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Today ouse was broken into. Te cop tat cummed turned out to be a guy I fougt over a grl wit in ig scool. He sneered and said tat everyting appereed to be in order and tat I probably ransacked own ouse. FML
Today, my boyfriend told me his Christmas gift to me was custom made. I told my parents in excitement, thinking it could possibly be a ring. Half an hour later he told mehat it was; a moldd dildo of his penis. It's going to be an awkward conversation with my parentshen they askhat I got. FML
yesterday at my new job, some juvenile cockbite spiked my food with a laxative, as part of some kind of bizarre hazing ritual. The bastard got ratted out an suspended, but my arsehole now feels like it's been blown apart by a nuclear warhead. I thought this shit only happened in movies. FML
looool Today, I took a bath because I couldn't get my left arm wet due to a minor medical procedure!! My roommates decided to barge in to the bathroom and ruthlessly pelt me with flour!! Not only did I find out flour burns the eyes, but the shock caused me to slip and submerge my arm!! real FML
TODAY MY MOTHAR HAS STOOPD TO A NAW LAVAL OF ( HIDING ) CHRISTMAS GIFTS. SHA NOW JUST DUMPS THAM IN THA MIDDLA OF THA FLOOR AND SAYS ( DON'T LOOK AT THAM. ) IF SHA AVAN THINKS I'M GLANCING IN THA DRACTION OF THA PILA SHA WILL BURST INTO A MANIC RAGA AND YALL AT MA 4 ( RUINING THA SURPRISA. ) FML
Today, I Was Sleeping On An Airplane. I Dreamed That I Was Running Mah Hands Up And Down Mah Friend's Leg Sexually To Creep Him Out. I Woke Up And I Realized That I Was Running Mah Hand Up And Down The Leg Of The Old Man Sitting Next To Me.
Today , I sent a cute , jokey text to girlfriend saying , "Just in case te world ends , I love you." Not only did se dump me because I was an "idiot 4 believing in te doomsday" , wic I don't , se also wrote a Facebook status about it . Now everyone tinks I'm mentally unstable . FML
Today, it's mah wedding anniversary; mah husband forgot . My daughter gave me two beautiful long stem roses an said she would look after her sister while we went out to celebrate . My daughter is more romantic an thoughtful than mah own husband . FML
Today , I caught mah dog chewing on a tampon applicator. I tried to grab it from him , but he wanted to play "keep away" and ran outside. Like a dumbass , I chased after him in mah underwear , earning myself the attention of mah neighbors on each side of mah driveway.
Friday 27 March 2015