Today, my brother came to my first standup comedy act. He'd apparently read my material beforehand, and kept finishing my jokes for me. FML
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Autumn: Leaves and Laughter
When the leaves fall, the laughter rises. Discover autumn stories as crisp as dried leaves!
Today, my son invited me to his first standup comedy gig. I accepted, only to later suffer through an hour of the worst jokes I've heard in my entire life. It was so bad, he made Dane Cook look like a comic genius, and I had to resist heckling him. Hours later, I still feel vaguely suicidal. FML
Today, I was chatting to my brother on Skype. Out of the blue, and just as I read the punchline to a hilarious joke, he said his girlfriend had been cheating on him. I couldn't stifle my side-splitting laughter, and he's been ignoring my calls since. FML
Today, my brother learned how to fake cry. I've been catching shit for everything I've done and said near him ever since. FML
Today, my brother handed me a sandwich that I'd asked him to make for me. Halfway through eating the sandwich, he started laughing hysterically. I still don't know what was in it. FML
Today, at my wedding, my brother decided it would be funny to trip me as I was walking down the aisle, in front of hundreds of people. FML
Today, I showed up at my brother's house for a visit. Little did I know, there was a family gathering. My best friend was invited and I wasn't. She's "more fun and less awkward" than I am. FML
Today, my brother was going to get some drinks for a party we were going to. After getting the drinks, he ended up leaving me at home while he went and got drunk like never before. FML
Today, I was doing stand-up comedy at open mic. The guy I like started laughing, but before I hit my punch line. Apparently, when I was speaking, I was occasionally spitting, and in the very bright light it was easy to see my spit hitting people in the face. They kept a tally. FML
Today, as well as for the past two weeks, my brother has been making up songs about farts and singing them non-stop. He's 26. FML
Today, I went to a comedy show, expecting to feel better about a difficult relationship. Instead, I saw a performance written by the girl who loves my husband, about my husband, and how she loves him. FML
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Top comments
xblaine 17
What an attention *****.
unjustlychicken 10
is his name dane cook?
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Comments (91)
HopelesslyCiara5 19
That's why sarcasm became so popular... What an asshole.
abhi95 31
What? O.o
HopelesslyCiara5 19
The asshole part wasn't sarcasm though.
ChenEighty 20
5, I think we're all just wondering what the hell that comment meant as a whole...
Sports_guy3 28
She was still drunk after the Super Bowl. Assuming she's a Seahawks fan.
HopelesslyCiara5 19
Sarcasm doesn't involve jokes to be ended. And no. Football is boring. But if I had to choose.. Sure.
smokecloud_ 37
Us Broncos fans are still drowning our miseries too. And I'm also confused my 1s comment, to make my own comment more relevent.
184886837272837 32
Just, just get out of here... seriously go away. Don't come back. Please?
domking1315 20
...Whats even going on in this thread
HopelesslyCiara5 19
I don't even know ...
hashshim 23
Worst thread on FML to date?
ChenEighty 20
47, there's been much, much worse, especially in he comments of '09 FMLs...
juan3611 14
Sometimes when I'm alone I like to rub barbecue sauce all over my cat, and pretend I gave birth to it.
FangirlingAlways 14
So much thread jacking. Change of subject, POTATOS.
colton_colton 50
What? O.o
jullestrann 12
Hopelessly Ciara. That's awesome
Axipiter 24
I favourited this FML just so I could go back and reread this thread.
Cwizer 17
confusion is victorious!!! You've been duped
davidislost 11
I like potato.
ffffffffck 13
I honestly can't think of anything stupid enough to make this even more pointless.
TheGreatPotato 19
#54, you called?
SHAMUS_the_WITTY 18
I love lamp.
HopelesslyCiara5 19
Haha 72 Anchorman :P It's like every single comment I make gets thumb downed. I could say up this if you live on Earth and still get downed. Oh well..
SHAMUS_the_WITTY 18
79, as a veteran FML commenter (between this account and my last I probably have around 1000 comments) one thing I've learned is this: If you get thumbed down, don't try to explain yourself. It just leads to more downvotes. Just move along. Also, saying relevant/funny stuff helps. And use correct grammar. I'm not being a grammar Nazi, but it helps.
SHAMUS_the_WITTY 18
Oh, and saying "Thumbs up this if____" will get your comment buried every time.
randymontegut 5
Very punny of him.
awkwardloveannie 28
there are no puns involved...
unjustlychicken 10
is his name dane cook?
TourettesGuyFTW 25
"**** bees!" No, **** you Dane **** (intended), bees give us honey. Wtf did you ever give us?
finch01 18
should make him answering part of the act.
iglesia 11
That would just encourage the way he was treating his sibling, though. Smart but might have adverse effects
xblaine 17
What an attention *****.
littlem91 29
Agreed. The simple answer is to feed into his need for attention; make mocking him the subject of many of your jokes. Win-win. And maybe keep your material somewhere safe and private in future.
MisterDoge 14
It's hard enough to have the courage to go up there and to have it ruined by your own brother sucks. I would have ran out from embarrassment.
ChevyRedneck85 13
I would've had his ass thrown out or tried to turn my jokes into insulting him
SgtAssCheeks 21
agreed with #22 I would've went backstage, come back with a chair and throw it at him. Brotherly rivalry just got a whole lot more serious.
Razi_tail 25
I agree with 22, I would have called security on his ass!
perdix 29
...
olpally 32
You should just call him a jackass every time he says something.
746278Ab 14
Wow your brother needs to grow up and if that your job he shouldn't be messing with it.
awkwardloveannie 28
now that's comedy
hurtfeet 17
Or that's just OP's brother being a huge dick.
kinky44 28
Doesnt being related to Carlos Mencia suck?
smokecloud_ 37
Deet da dee!