Today, I woke up and looked in the mirror and noticed that my face was covered in glitter. I asked my wife about it and she said she put it on me while I was sleeping so that I would sparkle like Edward from Twilight when I'm in the sunlight. FML
Collection
Autumn: Leaves and Laughter
When the leaves fall, the laughter rises. Discover autumn stories as crisp as dried leaves!
Today, my lips were dry and chapped, so I asked if I could use some of my friend's chapstick. She didn't mind, so I quickly put some on. Only later did I notice that my lips were sparkly. Turns out it was glitter balm. Now everyone calls me "princess." FML
Today, I sparkled because of this glitter bar my mother got me from Lush. I didn't realize until after I got out of the shower that it wasn't just ordinary soap. I tried to wipe off the glitter. It wouldn't come off. FML
Today, I was really badly sunburnt, so I put on some after-sun. The only type we have has glitter in it, and now I look like a sparkling tomato. FML
Today, I was helping a friend with a DIY project and thought it would be fun to add some glitter to the mix. We ended up using WAY too much, and now I have glitter everywhere. Not only am I covered head to toe, but I keep finding it in the weirdest places, like inside my shoes, on my phone, and even in my coffee cup. FML
Today, someone put a whole packet of glitter on the blades of my ceiling fan. Too bad I only noticed when I turned it on. FML
Today, well, last night, I told my girlfriend that I'm a light sleeper, and that the slightest disturbance will wake me up. As a result, this morning when I looked in the mirror I noticed a bunch of stuff written all over my body, like "You see, you didn't wake up!", "Nor now!". FML
Today, I awoke to make-up all over my face and nail polish on my hands and feet because my daughter wanted "daddy to look pretty." I have a job interview in an hour and none of it is coming off. FML
Today, I woke up after a long night of partying. When I went to wash off my face, I caught a glimpse of myself in the mirror. My missing tooth was almost enough to make me overlook my black eye. FML
Today, it was picture day and I had gotten my hair really nice and my outfit was perfect. Then, disaster: I was fidgeting with those squishy things filled with water and glitter, and it suddenly exploded. One second I'm playing with it, the next it's exploded all over my face. It's safe to say I truly shined in that picture. FML
Today, I went to a concert. Knowing these concerts usually include a lot of black lights, I decided to wear a black T-shirt so I wouldn't glow. I was having a good time, but about halfway through I noticed someone pointing to my shoulder. I looked down to see my dandruff glowing. FML
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Top comments
aaaaa2p 0
Your wife sucks.
TheLoneWolf87 4
We seriously need a Who Gives A Damn About Twilight feature on FML.
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Comments (322)
aaaaa2p 0
Your wife sucks.
alexandraa_fml 0
One more post about Edward Cullen and I will gouge my eyes out with the nearest blunt object!! OMGSTFU!
iKaite 0
Same. I can feel my soul leaking out of my ******* ears.
wiserman 0
normally i don't advocate spousal abuse. but since she struck first...
totalbadass 0
I would expect a visit from chris hansen soon... "why don't you have a seat over there?"
time4coffee 3
Do you have a child bride? If not tell her to grow up.
kniferomance 0
I think a divorce is in order. YDI, though, for having an immature wife.
crazytoaster 2
I have no idea what to say to this. I didn't know that people could be this sad and desperate. Dump your wife right now. In a woodchipper would be the best way.
brutallyhonest24 0
time to play another round of smack a' bitch...
Reyo 2
"Honey" "Yes dear?" "I think we need a divorece" "Why?" "Well you see...when I married you, I married a confident, independant woman...not an agnsty, prepubescent girl."
zzalex92 0
Oh no. Not another Twilight-related FML! FYL.
BeautifulColours 0
They like Twilight. Do they have to act on it?
settingjunefree 0
That is far beyond not being funny. It's never ok to even joke about spousal abuse. Have you ever been through it or seen someone go through it? I'm sure you haven't b/c you're making light of it. I don't care if you're trying to be funny; you and everyone else needs to learn that it's not funny...ever
ru55uz 0
YES!!
SkinnyWALLrus 0
calm down it was a joke and i know someone who has gone through that and jokes about it now... you either laugh or cry about things that happen to you in life.
SillyPoop 0
This causes grounds for leaving her....disgusting! I wouldn't be suprised to hear if the divorce rate in America has gone up over this Edward Jacob Team thing...not suprised at all! leave it to AMERICA!
Timeline 0
do me a favor an punch your wife in the face for me
splatz16 0
LOLZ.that is the funniest thing ever...but...how old is ur wife, 10?
Tubes 4
Thumbs down at lack of humor. Everything can be funny, even spousal abuse.
Miss_Represented 0
I am speechless... In a bad way.
melissa_10 7
haha..thats kind of cute whenever im wering lip gloss with glitter, i kiss my bf all over his face then i tell him "aww baby now u look like edward" and he looks at me all crazy..lol its hilarious
aftoner 0
at least we didn't end up with plain
ccc01 1
263 Twilight is no where near Harry Potter. They are not comparable on the basis Twilight is indeed pointless and failed erotic fanbook.
MeasaV123 0
Do you even know what a socialist is 263?
oppawoppa 9
Haha she must be a blonde...ohhh. But seriously u need to get some payback. Like bite her arm in a half-moon shape and tell her u wanted her to look like Bella.
ShortRound_babie 0
I feel so bad for you :/
mohameddiop309 0
fyl
White667 0
Fairly sure everyone agrees, FYL.
tearsofabrokenan 0
Lol FYL
Xyphonic 0
Every single comment can be summed up in those 6 letters. Well done.
TheLoneWolf87 4
We seriously need a Who Gives A Damn About Twilight feature on FML.
fatherpunk 1
I also think Twilight needs its own category.
Bansheethekilla 2
we need a section called "When twilight fans strike". Seriosly one more post about twilight and im finding the makers and popping 2 caps in their asses.
peacelovepugs 7
Team Edward!!!
iamazombie 0
THAT IS CREEPY IS YOUR WIFE A 14 YR OLD??? XD
elfuin 0
Hey! 14 years aren't into Twilight. It's only awkward, prepubescent 12 year olds and creepy older woman who have a thing for young men
helpmeiamblind 0
Divorce her NOW! She's really just a 14 year old girl!
mrslikebryant 1
that's to funny,your wife is funny
orangebunny 2
ahaha that is funny.. but hey, i have heard of people doing waay worse things .. so be happy
Edward_is_ew 0
Haha, Edward is UGLY, it's all about Jacob, he's got a great body, Edward is white, like really white
Clitastrophe 0
And he has a ******' ZERO pack. WTF is it with all the "Ahhh! OMG! Team Edwardzzzzz rulezzzz!!" fags? Jake is HAWT. Anyone who is "Team Ed" probably hopes that Joe-******-Jonas will ask her to marry him one day.
CaptenAwesomeXD 0
I totally agree, jake's hot and like really sweet while edward's a total douche... I'm not a very big twilight-fan though xD My bf loves twilight and makes me see them all the time and made me read the books...then she gets pissed when I say I hate Edward xO
mannequiin 0
They're all fairies.
mAdmAn948 0
wow...fyl.
toasterlovin 0
god dammit. they're both **** erotic morons for 13 year old girls. stop talking about them, it's like worshipping hitler! well... no it's not, but it's still bad!
jkcmutch 0
that is sad. everyone who reads twilight takes it way too seriously! and i completely agree with #4
chefky14 0
i read the twilight saga and nobody knows it but me and the person who sold it to me at the bookstore not ALL twilight fans are crazy but i have to agree that 99.9% of them are a pain in the ass about it and need to get a life