Today, I took a nap on the couch. Apparently, my wife decided to put makeup all over my face as I slept. She didn't tell me until after I went to the gas station to grab some beer. Looks like I will have to find a new place to buy beer from now on. FML
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Autumn: Leaves and Laughter
When the leaves fall, the laughter rises. Discover autumn stories as crisp as dried leaves!
Today, my wife woke me up by punching me in the balls. Apparently, while I was napping on the sofa, she came in and decided to lie with her head in my lap. While she was scrolling TikTok I sleep-farted on her head, so she punched me. I was asleep, so I feel like the victim here, I call bullshit! FML
Today, I came home from work, only to find the babysitter passed out on the couch with a bottle of Jack Daniel's. At some point, it seems my son had taken the liberty of peeing on her while she slept. FML
Today, after a short trip out of town, I came back late at night to the yard clean, the house swept and mopped, all the laundry done, and my son asleep. I was thrilled with my boyfriend, until I found him passed out, covered in spilled beer and piss. FML
Today, I woke up with my face covered in blood. Turns out that yesterday at my colleague's birthday party, I got so drunk that I started yelling "Nappy time!" before falling out of my hammock and face-first onto the concrete ground. FML
Today, I woke up after my pregnant fiancée punched me in the face. Apparently, I rolled over in my sleep and knocked her out of bed. She is still pissed about it. FML
Today, I woke up after passing out at a very small house party. I'd set a three drink limit, but apparently nobody listened, because there were beer cans everywhere, half my stuff was on the floor, and someone had shat in my bathtub. I had to clean all of it up alone. FML
Today, while pulling into my driveway, I slightly bumped into something. My wife. I'll be sleeping on the couch for a while. FML
Today, I came home to pandemonium: the kids screaming, the house a mess, wet laundry, no food made, and my wife in her office. After cleaning, making dinner, putting everything away, and getting the kids to sleep, I grabbed myself a beer. My wife saw it and said, "You're kidding, right?" FML
Today, I woke up in the shower at my coworker's house, with my clothes on and soaking wet. Apparently, the night before I drank too much and punched my best friend. The sad part is, I passed out on the couch, but somehow ended up in the shower, facing the wrong way. FML
Today, I drunkenly staggered home and crashed on the couch. When I woke up I realized it wasn't my house. FML
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Top comments
Cadeth 13
Don't worry OP you're a strong independent man who don't need no beer!
MisterKnowItAll 15
You probably looked fabulous.
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Comments (70)
MisterKnowItAll 15
You probably looked fabulous.
cheeeksss 29
I now always make it a point to look in the mirror for a couple seconds before I leave my house. I learned that the hard way when I was at a meeting with dried drool on the side of my mouth.
TH_Insomniak 15
OP should've owned that shit, don't let a little makeup ruin your beer buying location!.. my poor use of words I apologize for. rock it
Cadeth 13
Don't worry OP you're a strong independent man who don't need no beer!
wolf12king 12
No he ain't every man needs a beer
Railroader 16
Not really #7, I really don't care for beer and last I checked I had all the parts to say I was a man.
thisguy22 33
While I agree that beer is irrelevant, I think that there is a lot more to being a man than just 'having the qualifying parts.'
Railroader 16
Not the point I was trying to make but whatever
MrsDruidess 23
who buys beer at the gas station? Its more money and in Colorado at least its 3.2 beer, huge rip off!
KhaleesiDannie 26
Maybe he thought you had already passed out drunk at some wild party
littleteapot 21
Maybe she was trying to help you get free drinks?
ofinnocencepast 4
Is your wife 12?
A07 48
If you mean a 12 then yes, she is.
emanhernandez 22
Well damn next time paint her face and then let her go to the store
shaft2112 4
Okay, this one is hilarious :D Find a good and harmless way to repay that favor! :)
sayhey22 19
Why would you get kicked out of a bar for that?
gichikku 14
He didn't. He's too embarrassed to go back.
soullyfe 33
He was at a gas station. Not a bar.
domolovesyoshi 33
What FML are you reading there was no Bar and he wasn't kicked out of anywhere
Matttis 7
Your wife is awesome :)
LilHottieInLove 25
This is why it is always important to check a mirror before you leave the house.