Today, my husband decided to put different condiments on my body to make our sex better. I was thinking whipped cream; he was feeling ketchup. FML
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Autumn: Leaves and Laughter
When the leaves fall, the laughter rises. Discover autumn stories as crisp as dried leaves!
Today, my husband decided to literally spice things up. He put a "small amount" of hot-sauce in our lubricant without telling me. He thought 1,000,000 Scoville units would make me cum. The only one who came was the paramedic. FML
Today, my husband asked if we could try food play during sex. I okayed it, thinking it would be the standard squirty cream or chocolate sauce. Let’s just say I was not expecting him to be eating crispy bacon and blue cheese sauce off my boobs. Good Lord, I married a weirdo. FML
Today, my husband wanted to use bacon grease as lube. FML
Today, as I was about to have sex with my husband, I said I wanted to "spice things up." Apparently, our ideas weren't the same. He yanked my nipples as hard as he could and said, "Yeah, you like that?" FML
Today, my husband asked me to spoon him. He used it as an excuse to start farting on me. Yep, this is my husband. FML
Today, after months of lacking intimacy in our relationship, my girlfriend decided to spice things up by covering her naked body with whipped cream. Except, we didn't have any in the fridge, so instead I had to politely lick shaving cream off of her while fighting the urge to vomit. FML
Today, it's been one week since spicing things up with mine and my husband's sex life by involving whipped cream. We can now smell of out of date diary, no matter what soap products we use showering. FML
Today, I felt like spicing up our marriage, so I thought I'd surprise my husband when he got home from work. I put on my sexiest teddy, lit some candles, and laid on the bed. He walked in the room, looked at me for a second, farted, then asked me what was for dinner. FML
Today, my husband thought it would be romantic to pick me up and fall on the bed with me while we were kissing. Our faces smashed together as we hit the bed, and my tongue is still bleeding on and off. FML
Today, I was fooling around with my husband on the bed. I was excited as he lifted my arms up in a seductive way, only to roll deodorant under my armpits. FML
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Top comments
ChristianH39 30
Did he call you his little French fry?
Welshite 39
Don't forget the mustard!
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Comments (128)
Zach2014 11
That sucks
That_Ginger 18
"I agree, your life sucks"
piedpiper303 29
hm, not like theres a button for that or anything..
bfsd42 20
36, your comment is way more annoying than 1's. Yes, there is a button for that, just like there is a button to express your disapproval of a comment.
dachayke 16
But there's also a button to express your disapproval towards #36's comment about his disapproval towards #1's comment about how OP's life sucks because her husband smothered her with what is basically a tomato smoothie.
rahulcool7 14
The heart wants what the heart wants
Chris9616 12
On the behalf of the entire FML team. we would like to thank you for that smart well thought out first comment. For those who can't tell that was sarcasm. OP I hope you enjoy that tomato smoothie mix and what not
Warm_Apple_Pie 21
No, he was sucking the ketchup off her body. :)
KSer4lifeee 8
#45 there's also a button to express your disapproval at #36 expressing their disapproval at #1
KSer4lifeee 8
#99 how ironic of me
ChevyRedneck85 13
"You can make anything taste better with ketchup"- Rodney Carrington
JMichael 25
Eww lol
ss_fml 7
Maybe he thinks your legs look like hotdogs.
kylieh72 25
#74 Maybe you think it's cool to hijack someone else's comment. It's not. Even if the comment is pointless.
Clay_Pidgeon 11
#111. maybe you think its cool to call out someone on threadjacking...
ChristianH39 30
Did he call you his little French fry?
OctoDope 15
Maybe fries on the side but I think he was just getting the bun ready for the hotdog.
jazzy_123 20
her buns ready for his hot dog...O,O
mattorama 15
Thank you for clearing that up, I had no idea what he meant.
jazzy_123 20
oh!! haha it completely went over my head. I was half asleep when I read and wrote that.
Schizomaniac 24
Sure you were.
kylieh72 25
#64's picture is absolutely perfect for that comment.
Welshite 39
Don't forget the mustard!
dachayke 16
And the relish.
FracturedMinds 21
I like the little chopped unions more.
dachayke 16
And the sauerkraut. Gotta love the sauerkraut.
TheTacoMan 24
I prefer mine seasoned
prettyinpink4884 9
And the mayo
dachayke 16
I don't get why this thread is getting downvoted. Just like *snaps fingers* this comment.
abnormalbird 11
How about some mayo in the buns? (If you know what I mean ;) )
TheTacoMan 24
Hopefully there is no ketchup coming out of the other side #98
kylieh72 25
I'm still wondering how you chop a union. 22, care to explain?
\ 28
Walmart chops unions with no problem, #113.
Nilorak 24
Is he a vampire?
Redoxx_fml 22
One nipple a-a-a. Two nipples a-a-a.
Radayam 19
One ******. A-a-aaaaaaaaaaaaaaa!
katt_is_here 24
I laughed at all of this hard enough that now I have to clean coffee off of my monitor. FML. LOL
Warm_Apple_Pie 21
You should totally post that.
illegalbeagle69 23
Three nipples. a-a- wait.. what the hell?
TheTacoMan 24
Harry Styles, #89
lengi123 18
Total Recall?
how_about_no_ 19
Does he think you look like a hotdog, by any chance?
Fuaaad1994 31
Taking the hotdogs or legs game to a whole new level
israelnotjacob 20
Well if he put it on your downtown region at least it's fitting.
ChristianH39 30
Oh god why
israelnotjacob 20
Period fetish I suppose.
UberNova 18
Does ketchup go with tacos?
Baucis 10
Time to make some French fries.
jordynsage 17
Atleast he's trying, be glad he didn't give up O.P.
jgwyh 18
Your not the one that has to lick it off, if the man likes ketchup let him ketchup all over you
SuckMeBeautifu1 24
Dude, ketchup is the probably most unsexiest condiment you could put on your body. Looks terrible, smells terrible, feels terrible, and makes a big mess.
happle 21
Maybe, just maybe, he likes it. Just because it's "unsexy" to you, that doesn't mean other people find enjoyment from it.