Intimacy: Today, as a pickup line, a guy said to me, "Yo, can I kiss your... - FML

By mistletoe - 09/12/2013 02:21 - United States - Miami

Spicy

Today, as a pickup line, a guy said to me, "Yo, can I kiss your vag' under the mistletoe?" FML

I agree, your life sucks 54 941

You deserved it 5 197

Labour Day: Rest or Disaster?
Find out how a day off can turn into a series of hilarious, unexpected events. More…

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Same thing different taste

By myusofwe - 06/02/2016 01:33 - Puerto Rico - Caguas

Spicy

Today, I finally got the chance to sleep with the guy I like. He couldn't get it up and awkwardly tried to stick his limp penis in. FML

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You deserved it 3 025

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By Anonymous - This FML is from back in 2016 but it's good stuff - United Kingdom - Lewes

Today, I found out that licking your very chapped lips while totally zoned out and looking in the general direction of a girl, will end up with you becoming the massive college creeper that everyone avoids. FML

I agree, your life sucks 20 538

You deserved it 3 691

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By Anonymous - This FML is from back in 2015 but it's good stuff - United Kingdom - London

Today, I underwent surgery and feeling rather groggy upon being awoken, I very loudly declared, "I've always had a thing for doctors. Kiss me?" then promptly giggled, tried to launch myself in a random doctor's arms and fell flat on my face. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 769

You deserved it 5 115

What did you just say?

By keeks_25 - This FML is from back in 2009 but it's good stuff - Canada

Today, I was serving a family at the restaurant where I work. When I went to ask the little girl what she wanted, I was tongue-tied and got "cutie" and "hun" mixed up and ended up asking, "What can I get for you, cuntie?" FML

I agree, your life sucks 85 220

You deserved it 26 114

Limited edition prank

By Anonymous - This FML is from back in 2013 but it's good stuff - United States - Hopkinsville

Today, as always, my boyfriend has the ability to pop his eyeballs out of his eye sockets. He thought it'd be funny for me to wake up face-to-face with the disgusting sight. The shit in my bowels did an early Thanksgiving Day parade straight into my underwear. FML

I agree, your life sucks 46 684

You deserved it 4 304

Miracles

By smyp - This FML is from back in 2015 but it's good stuff - Lithuania

Today, my wife and I decided to celebrate Christmas Eve with her side of the family. When we arrived at her parents' house, I heard her mother say that Christmas miracles don't exist since my wife brought me along. FML

I agree, your life sucks 23 748

You deserved it 1 680

Effective

By Nublet - This FML is from back in 2011 but it's good stuff - United States

Spicy

Today, I gave my boyfriend a blowjob. It gave him a panic attack. FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 371

You deserved it 5 573

Crossed wires

By hudd357mag - This FML is from back in 2012 but it's good stuff - United States

Today, the girl I have a crush on texted me to go out tonight. When I got to her house, she peered at me quizzically and asked, "What do you want? Did I text you?" FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 745

You deserved it 2 529

Great, just great

By lax22 - This FML is from back in 2014 but it's good stuff - United States - San Francisco

Today, thirty minutes after the end of a great date with a great girl, she texted me, "Yeah, uh, never come near me again." FML

I agree, your life sucks 48 153

You deserved it 6 297

You what now?

By starboi - This FML is from back in 2016 but it's good stuff - United States - Weaver

Today, I heard a girl say, "Darth Vader is that black guy from Star Trek, right?" FML

I agree, your life sucks 8 884

You deserved it 1 506

Next

Top comments

hnz 13

Monday 9 December 2013 12:53

That's when you say "Yo, can I kick your ass under the mistletoe"

Ambient25 24

Monday 9 December 2013 12:54

Smack the shit out of him. I actually went to a bar before in DC and saw this pretty drunk guy try this on a girl: "Hey baby were your parents retarded? Cuz you sure are special"... I burst out laughing

Comments

mosquito19 14

Monday 9 December 2013 21:20

the sad thing is, it probably works for some other tart.

bushada 18

Monday 9 December 2013 21:26

Wow, and I thought I had no tact.

sabrinalynn22 19

Monday 9 December 2013 21:56

I would smack him with the mistletoe.

FemskyD 26

Monday 9 December 2013 23:02

Kiss my fist instead :s

CaptnNorway 10

Monday 9 December 2013 23:54

If you said yes you would be a Mistleho, and if you said no you would me a mistleno, and he would say MistleDo'h

ercdndrs 9

Tuesday 10 December 2013 0:39

"No, but you can kiss my ass!"

jack_splat 11

Tuesday 10 December 2013 1:09

I left my ******** at your place. When can I come get it?

a4s 8

Tuesday 10 December 2013 2:16

And you said no????

worldclassrager 39

Tuesday 10 December 2013 4:17

That's way to far way too fast....I really hope he always falls short...

leftyb10 12

Tuesday 10 December 2013 4:26

Well, did it work??

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Keywords

Health Relatable Public freakouts Music Scams Geek Poopoo peepee Jewelry Awkward Bikes Cops Transportation Fight Family Kids Miscellaneous AITA Mother in law Social Media Love Relationship advice Art Work Students Animals Birds Sleep Noise Mental health Medication

The Top

Today, while I was showering, someone left a note on the bathroom door that read, "We can all hear you masturbating. Shut the hell up." I don't know what's more embarrassing, that everyone in my house thought I was masturbating or that I was actually singing. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 052

You deserved it 372

Today, I tried to nicely talk to my daughter about her rapid weight gain. Having a family history of weight-related illness, I felt it was necessary. I offered to get thyroid tests, teach her to buy healthy food, and start routine exercise. She told everyone I called her a cow and had fat-shamed her. FML

I agree, your life sucks 883

You deserved it 192

The Top

Today, I was messing around with my wife. I grabbed her boobs and said, "Honk honk". Unbeknownst to me, my daughter saw it. Now my 3 year-old girl runs around honking everyone. Even her grandparents. FML

I agree, your life sucks 14 054

You deserved it 31 992

Today, I found out that people know when you're screenshooting their snaps on Snapchat, by the guy I have a crush on, asking me why I keep doing it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 17 117

You deserved it 18 060

Today, I was looking through old childhood pictures for my father's funeral and I found one of our old Christmas cards. I looked at it and noticed in the background our two dogs enjoying very spirited sex. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 328

You deserved it 196

Today, I went to a costume contest as Jon Snow from Game of Thrones. I won, which was nice, until I was told that the only flaws in my "Samwell Tarly" outfit were my long hair and wrong sword. FML

I agree, your life sucks 21 738

You deserved it 2 824

Today, I let my on-again, off-again boyfriend spend the night. For months we had been fighting about his new flame. After he convinced me that they are no longer an item, we had the most mind-blowing sex then we fell asleep. I awoke to him moaning her name. Followed by pelvic thrusts. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 027

You deserved it 54 324

Today, I eagerly applied for a high-salary, fully supportive graduate program that I qualified for. There were 5 steps in the application process. I was turned down after the first one. FML

I agree, your life sucks 7 791

You deserved it 886