Kids, Holidays and Pregnancy: Neil Diamond was wrong

Neil Diamond was wrong

By LucyLollipop - This FML is from back in 2017 but it's good stuff

Today, I had my first glass of red wine after months of pregnancy and giving birth. Just as I sat down and started to relax, I spilled it all over myself and my in-law’s couch. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 255

You deserved it 929

Labour Day: Rest or Disaster?
Find out how a day off can turn into a series of hilarious, unexpected events. More…

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Same thing different taste

Mommy's little helper

By Anonymous - This FML is from back in 2015 but it's good stuff - United States - Oakland

Today, my drinking problem became apparent when my daughter asked for a glass of juice, and I instinctively poured a large glass of scotch instead. FML

I agree, your life sucks 16 725

You deserved it 38 987

By The Towel Molester - 26/01/2012 14:49 - Australia

Today, my family had dinner with my future in-laws for the first time. After a bottle of wine to herself, my mother loudly insisted that I'm out of her will. Apparently, I "molest towels" and leave them to "fester for days" in my "den of depravity". I'm sure they'll give me their daughter now. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 411

You deserved it 3 291

Hungover

By RedheadA - This FML is from back in 2011 but it's good stuff - United States

Today, my husband and I woke up to see my drunk mother passed out on our couch. She was wearing nothing but socks. FML

I agree, your life sucks 38 633

You deserved it 3 687

Night on the tiles

By Anonymous - This FML is from back in 2012 but it's good stuff - Ireland - Gorey

Today, I thought it would be a good idea to sneak out of work early and pay a little visit to the pub. I ended up staggering home, drunkenly making myself a nacho cheese dorito milkshake with the blender, then promptly puked my guts out all over the kitchen table. FML

I agree, your life sucks 5 977

You deserved it 46 582

By kb - 18/11/2013 06:38 - United States

Today, my mother gave me a bottle of stool softeners as a gift at my baby shower. FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 671

You deserved it 4 042

Sneaky

By Anonymous - This FML is from back in 2015 but it's good stuff - Canada - Owen Sound

Today, I caught my dad sneaking a drink of whiskey outside, shortly before my wedding. I asked if he was seriously getting drunk at a time like this. He looked at me and scoffed, "It's the only way I'm gonna get through this stupid shit." FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 995

You deserved it 5 048

Use the force

By BlueMacaw - This FML is from back in 2015 but it's good stuff - United States - Lake Elsinore

Today, I accidentally threw a glass of iced tea in my own face, because the restaurant I'd been going to for over a decade switched from heavy glass mugs to identical light-as-a-feather plastic mugs. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 432

You deserved it 4 678

Brain fog

By FlyingCoffeeMonster - This FML is from back in 2016 but it's good stuff - United States - Oreland

Today, I was having my morning coffee while getting ready for work. I grabbed clothes off the floor to throw in the hamper. I accidentally threw my full coffee instead. FML

I agree, your life sucks 13 056

You deserved it 3 200

This is a low

By Stella - This FML is from back in 2009 but it's good stuff - Canada

Today, I chipped my tooth on a beer bottle. While I was drinking alone in my basement. FML

I agree, your life sucks 13 353

You deserved it 28 770

Lobby_Bee 17

Wednesday 3 January 2018 15:14

Pour yourself another glass, you'll need it soon.

manb91uk 22

Wednesday 3 January 2018 17:49

They can’t complain... You just squeezed their grandchild out of your ******. They owe you at least 18 months of gratitude

Comments

Lobby_Bee 17

Wednesday 3 January 2018 15:14

Pour yourself another glass, you'll need it soon.

exileonmainst 16

Wednesday 3 January 2018 15:16

Well the couch was just lying there, it was too tempting not to spill red wine all over it.

exileonmainst 16

Wednesday 3 January 2018 15:20

Also I never understood the verse ”Red, red wine. Spilled on my in laws couch.” until now.

manb91uk 22

Wednesday 3 January 2018 17:49

They can’t complain... You just squeezed their grandchild out of your ******. They owe you at least 18 months of gratitude

worldclassrager 39

Wednesday 3 January 2018 23:49

Was the wine okay?

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The Top

Today, my husband and I have officially become that couple that has to schedule sex. Between his working, my going back to school, raising kids, doing housework and homework, we just haven’t had time. Last night we tried to be spontaneous and get it on. We both fell asleep. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 586

You deserved it 245

Today, my fiancée's ex sent me screenshots of their conversation. In it, he told her how badly he’d wanted to marry her, what a great life he'd have given her, and what a huge mistake she'd made by letting him get away. My ring, our house even our pets should’ve been hers. Gee, thanks for settling. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 166

You deserved it 133

The Top

Today, I was jogging and was about to pass a woman ahead of me. I called out I was passing so she wouldn’t be scared. She waited till I was right next to her and pepper-sprayed my eyes while screaming, "Rapist." The cops were there in less than 5 minutes, and even though I was blinded, they still handcuffed me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 522

You deserved it 110

Today, my boyfriend told me, with complete confidence, that he's selected "drug dealer" as his career of choice. FML

I agree, your life sucks 10 126

You deserved it 1 120

Today, my roommate finally cleaned her cat's very full litter box. I later found our only good spatula crusted with kitty feces, which she'd left on the kitchen counter for me to find. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 922

You deserved it 2 419

Today, I found out my fiancé has been sleeping with his therapist behind my back. If that wasn't bad enough on its own, I'd talked him into starting therapy 6 months ago to help with his mental health troubles, and have been mostly paying for it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 296

You deserved it 207

Today, after years of waiting, I finally got to meet the band whose music got me through one of the hardest times I have ever experienced. When I turned down the lead singer for sex, they told me to leave. FML

I agree, your life sucks 38 340

You deserved it 13 701

Today, my boss told me that if I didn't become his neighbor on Farmville I wouldn't have a job. I laughed. He didn't. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 701

You deserved it 2 938