Health, Poopoo peepee, Weird and Haircut: Eyepatch nightmare - FML

Eyepatch nightmare

By 1eyedpirate - 08/10/2023 00:02

Today, after years of my husband offering to trim my bangs, I finally let him. On the first snip he managed to cut the skin beneath my eyebrow. Ten minutes before that, our newborn shat all over me, even getting it in my hair. To make me feel better, since we have a parrot, my husband said that I could finally fulfill my dreams of being a pirate. FML

I agree, your life sucks 583

You deserved it 137

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Same thing different taste

Polly Want a Wax

By Baldy - 07/09/2017 13:00

Today, I was using pre-waxed strips to wax my eyebrows when my parrot investigated by walking through them. He then screamed, flew into my hair, thrashed around, and got stuck. I now have two bald spots and two parrot bites. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 689

You deserved it 649

Impressive

By Anonymous - 19/03/2009 02:57 - United States

Today, I met my boyfriend's parents for the first time. In his front room was a giant parrot. Hoping to impress them, I went over to the bird and began talking to it proving I wasn't scared. Out of nowhere, it's beak clenched onto my nose making it gush blood on the carpet. I was hospitalized. FML

I agree, your life sucks 59 425

You deserved it 19 334

Halved

By Anonymous - 04/09/2019 14:00

Today, I went to the hair salon to get a fresh trim before receiving my master's diploma. The hairdresser managed to shave off half my eyebrow. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 622

You deserved it 117

By anonamous - 17/07/2009 16:59 - United States

Today, I found out that my wife gave me head lice on purpose so I would have to cut off the ponytail that I've been growing since '99. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 221

You deserved it 96 719

By missedout - 05/02/2013 22:48 - United States - York

Today, while my mother-in-law visited, I asked if she wouldn't mind watching my son for 10 minutes as I had run out of baby shampoo. I came back home to see she had shaved his head completely bald. That was his very first haircut. FML

I agree, your life sucks 39 625

You deserved it 3 260

By ellieowenie - 29/07/2012 08:11 - Australia - Sydney

Today, my 4-year-old son cut half of my hair when I was asleep because he thought I would look better that way. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 747

You deserved it 3 436

By No Nip - 25/04/2019 12:00

Today, I was making breakfast with my parrot on my shoulder. He was excited about the food, and in his rush to climb down to the counter, bit through my nipple. I had to get stitches. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 979

You deserved it 483

By poophead - 30/05/2015 02:39 - Philippines

Today, I went to a fancy beauty parlor to prepare for my sister's birthday party. The minute I stepped out of the salon, with my hair beautifully trimmed and curled, a bird decided to use it as a toilet. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 757

You deserved it 2 553

By honey soy - 29/01/2012 06:31 - Australia

Today, my boyfriend was flying his toy helicopter at my head. It got stuck in my hair and I now have a bald patch. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 942

You deserved it 3 508

Hatchet job

By Anonymous - 24/01/2018 01:30

Today, I got my hair trimmed to look fresh for my sister's wedding this week. The woman messed up so badly that the manager had to step in and fix it. I lost 8 inches of hair and my dad keeps telling me I look like a medieval stable boy. FML

I agree, your life sucks 5 189

You deserved it 365

Next

Top comments

Yudith 24

Sunday 8 October 2023 18:33

Fulfill your dreams of being a pirate by having your husband walk the plank, and maroon him on the living room sofa for a bit.

Comments

Yudith 24

Sunday 8 October 2023 18:33

Fulfill your dreams of being a pirate by having your husband walk the plank, and maroon him on the living room sofa for a bit.

Keywords

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The Top

Today, I asked out a girl I’ve been hanging out with for a few months. She said, “That’s kind of gross.” When I asked her about, it she said, “My friends will think you’re creepy” followed by, “You’re not actually a creep, they say you look like one.” I groom myself every day like a normal person. FML

I agree, your life sucks 450

You deserved it 101

Today, I told my husband to stop his friendship with our neighbor’s 17 year-old daughter. They claim they just play video games together, but lately he’s been uninterested in sex and barely shows me any affection. He vehemently said, “It’s not like we’re fucking or anything! Chill!” and stormed out of the house. FML

I agree, your life sucks 693

You deserved it 134

The Top

Today, I sneezed so hard I herniated my back. After passing out from the pain I awoke on the floor covered in my own shit and piss. Unable to move, I had to wait in this state for four hours for my wife to return home from work, clean me up and take me to the hospital. FML

I agree, your life sucks 52 767

You deserved it 2 825

Today, I was supposed to go on a date with my boyfriend this Saturday, but his dad grounded him for being gay. FML

I agree, your life sucks 982

You deserved it 200

Today, I learned that when someone is choking you don't do the "hymen maneuver", you do the "heimlich maneuver". I was corrected by my girlfriend's parents. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 261

You deserved it 16 291

Today, a friend of mine sent me a Twitter link, along with the question, "Isn't that your mom?" It was. She was pretending to have shaky arms from the Covid vaccine. This sort of shit is why we hardly ever talk to each other. Oh and her acting was worse than any school play I've ever seen. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 016

You deserved it 126

Today, I woke up with my face flying at the wall. A muscle spasm had caused me to pop out of bed. I'm now dealing with a concussion and sprained neck, thanks to an almost physically impossible feat. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 667

You deserved it 126

Today, I was talking with my mom about getting my school photos retouched. I believe her exact words were, "They'll take one look at you, and charge me triple." FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 165

You deserved it 3 940