Animals

Thanks, I hate it

By I'm Trading Up For A Dog - 14/12/2014 20:28 - Finland - Pori

Today, I finished a painting I'd spent 3 weeks working on for an exhibition. When I came back from lunch, my cat was perched above it on my desk. He looked at me, then down at the painting, then jumped down onto it. He slipped and smeared the wet paint everywhere, ruining the whole thing. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 687

You deserved it 6 251

WHO ARE YOU?

By Bamboozled - 17/11/2022 07:00 - United States

Today, I almost got attacked by a dog. The dog that occupies the same house as I do. The reason? He didn't recognize me because - get this - I was wearing a beanie. A hat made me unrecognizable to my dog. FML

I agree, your life sucks 891

You deserved it 177

By Anonymous - 10/11/2011 17:07 - Ireland

Today, I stepped in a pile of dog shit. While trying to get it off by wiping my foot on the grass, I stepped in another pile. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 843

You deserved it 7 675

Caturday treat!

By Smarty Cat - 29/10/2022 11:00 - United States - Steele

Today, I watched as my friend played dead to see how her cat would react. She got upset when he just sniffed her hand and walked away. I tried to explain to her that he was smart enough to figure out she was faking it, but I got called a "know-it-all." Jeez, sorry that cats are more intelligent than you thought. FML

I agree, your life sucks 781

You deserved it 153

By dogggg - 14/07/2014 02:10 - India - Pune

Today, I caught my dog drinking from the toilet. After yelling at him, his apology was licking my face. FML

I agree, your life sucks 39 751

You deserved it 9 641

Here, take these

By Gvinson36 - This FML is from back in 2017 but it's good stuff

Today, as they were being dropped off, I was informed that I'll be taking care of my grandparents' two cats. My apartment complex doesn't allow pets. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 916

You deserved it 333

Suspicious minds

By abusedparrot - 24/08/2014 12:40 - Australia - Brisbane

Today, the police knocked on my door, saying that they needed to investigate my house for animal abuse. Apparently the neighbours called, reporting a "screeching bird in pain". I have no bird, but I have been singing quite loudly recently. FML

I agree, your life sucks 43 277

You deserved it 6 143

PTSD

By Anonymous - 05/10/2009 17:28 - United States

Today, I flew in to visit my long distance girlfriend. When I got out of the cab, I saw her way down the street walking the dog, so I hid behind the bushes to scare/surprise her. Mission accomplished. I just wish I hadn't bought her that pepper spray. FML

I agree, your life sucks 12 483

You deserved it 45 201

It's a doggy dog world

By RoommateWanted - 10/09/2013 21:02 - United Kingdom - Glasgow

Today, my roommate unexpectedly came home with a new puppy. I'm severely allergic to dogs. When I reminded her of this, she explained that the puppy was her family now and if I didn't like it I should move out because blood is thicker than water. My roommate is my sister. FML

I agree, your life sucks 51 999

You deserved it 3 385

Tippi Hedren vibes

By Anonymous - 22/06/2024 14:00 - United States - Boise

Today, I left for my shop in the work truck at 6 a.m. I was still in the process of waking up with my windows down, on a semi-busy street, when BAM! a bird flew in the window into the cab. FML

I agree, your life sucks 376

You deserved it 102

By mommabuser - 01/07/2012 15:59

Today, my daughter's hamster pulled the water bottle off the glass, so I decided to super-glue the bottle back on. We came back an hour later to see if it had stuck, only to find both the bottle and rodent glued to the glass. FML

I agree, your life sucks 9 520

You deserved it 28 967

By I Like My Cat - 21/12/2012 10:02 - Netherlands - Utrecht

Today, I found out that the tinsel on my Christmas tree is worth a couple of hundred euros per strand. Well, that's how much the two that were surgically removed from my cat have cost me. At least the cat's going to be fine. FML

I agree, your life sucks 22 026

You deserved it 13 341

Alas…

By bunnylover - 15/03/2010 16:44 - Canada

Today, my dad and I were in the car when a rabbit scurried across the road, just missing us. My dad turned and said to me, "Well, it's good we didn't hit him. He gets to live another day." I then looked in the rear view mirror to see the rabbit running away from the cross traffic, only to be hit by the car behind us. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 187

You deserved it 3 523

By glowstick - 30/06/2009 06:07 - United States

Today, my dog ate my little brother's medication. I spent all morning trying to make him throw it up, but it wasn't working so I took him to the animal hospital, which was in a different city. $150 in poison control and vet bills later, I found the pill we thought he ate stuck under his paw. FML

I agree, your life sucks 42 685

You deserved it 8 210

Poor kitty

By Sorry kitty - 30/06/2024 07:00 - United States

Today, I found out while pet-sitting that a white cat is no easier to see in the dark than a black cat. I also found out that this particular cat doesn't take kindly to being accidentally kicked, even if it wasn't that hard. My feet have seen better days. FML

I agree, your life sucks 247

You deserved it 311

By Anonymous - 11/03/2010 22:44 - United States

Today, while at the dog park, I suddenly had to use the bathroom really badly. Since there weren't any facilities nearby, I decided to go behind a tree and relieve myself there. While doing this, two other owners, one who's in my math class, noticed me, despite me trying to hide. She definitely saw everything. School will be fun tomorrow. FML

I agree, your life sucks 10 234

You deserved it 26 440

Good boy

By Anonymous - 11/05/2017 02:00

Today, my dog was diagnosed with a torn ACL. This costs $1500-$2500 to treat. Three months ago, he had heart worms. That cost $1400 to treat. I adopted this dog from a shelter four months ago to help relieve some of my stress and anxiety. I don't feel any less stressed or anxious. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 797

You deserved it 561

Bad omen

By Anonymous - 18/06/2024 05:00 - United Kingdom

Today, my boyfriend apparently lied to me when he'd said we could get a dog one day. I bought a puppy for him in secret but as soon as he saw it he was all, "What the hell is that? We’re not keeping it." It’s now with his parents, as he didn’t want it overnight or even in the house. FML

I agree, your life sucks 288

You deserved it 807

Pile on

By turtle - 12/07/2011 13:26 - United States

Today, I saw a turtle on the road so I swerved, and hit a tree. The people behind me then hit the turtle. FML

I agree, your life sucks 38 633

You deserved it 12 689

Big boy

By Rjlup - This FML is from back in 2013 but it's good stuff - United States - Denver

Today, I took my pet rabbit to the vet because I had noticed his genitals looked swollen compared to my other rabbit's. It turns out he's just "gifted". The vet laughed at me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 49 183

You deserved it 7 318

Goodbye horses

By Anonymous - 23/10/2017 16:19

Today, my dad tried to help me overcome my intense fear of horses (due to nearly being killed by one as a child) by taking me to a ranch. Within 30 minutes, a horse bit my face. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 018

You deserved it 480

New friend

By Anonymous - 13/12/2023 19:00 - United Kingdom

Today, my kids got me a dog to replace the dog who died last year. I don’t like dogs, our old dog was my deceased wife’s dog, and I never liked it. I cared for the dog until it died of old age and fully intended to never get another one. Now I have a hyperactive puppy destroying my house. FML

I agree, your life sucks 785

You deserved it 208

By Roselyn Cazares - 23/07/2017 19:55

Today, I was petting my female hamster when I felt a big mass under her. I immediately thought it was a tumor so I poked it to see if it hurt her. It didn't. Turns out my female hamster is actually a male, and he has really big balls. I touched my hamster's balls. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 166

You deserved it 1 942

Opportunity knocks

By Anonymous - 20/05/2023 22:00

Today, I learned that Guru Tugginmypudha was right, two elephants humping is the ultimate distraction, as in, when two elephants started humping during my kids' trip to the zoo, a mad crowd of idiots rushed to watch, and somewhere in the middle of it all I clearly felt a pickpocket steal my wallet. FML

I agree, your life sucks 734

You deserved it 151

By kdriver - 12/09/2016 14:44 - Canada - Oakville

Today, I'm fostering a very shy cat who doesn't like to be held. I had to move the litter box to another room, but when I picked him up to show him where I'd moved it to, he peed on me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 11 425

You deserved it 1 751

Who does this?

By Wanda - 11/05/2021 01:59

Today, my demented mother-in-law had my dog euthanized while I was on vacation, because he was, "too feral and disorderly." Why? Because he, "peed on the grass." I had that dog for 9 years. Why couldn’t my husband put her in a nursing home instead? FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 593

You deserved it 106

By Alex Andreas - 02/07/2015 03:10 - United States - Edmond

Today, I found out where my sister's pet lizard escaped to. I also found out that the little shit likes to hide in dark, cold places. I discovered this when I heard the bastard squeal as I started the lawnmower. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 758

You deserved it 2 463

By lalibear - 03/05/2009 16:07 - United States

Today, I left the sliding glass door to our townhouse open because it was such a beautiful day. Our new puppy, whom we have been potty training, peed in the yard and I praised him relentlessly. He then walked inside the house, pooped on the carpet, and ran back outside. FML

I agree, your life sucks 49 303

You deserved it 7 305

By Anonymous - 07/05/2009 17:22 - United States

Today, I went to the pet store to get mice for my mom's snakes. While checking out, the guy working behind the register asked what kind of snakes I had. I told him they were my mom's and he mentioned this crazy woman that talks to her snakes. That's my mom. FML

I agree, your life sucks 55 786

You deserved it 4 702

Bad doggo!

By coral - 08/07/2009 17:51 - United States

Today, I thought I was home alone so I went to take a shower and left my door open. My dog came in, stole my bra, and ran out of my bathroom. I jumped out and followed him, only to find out that my brother had two of his friends over. They all saw me naked, and my dog had my bra in his mouth. FML

I agree, your life sucks 53 699

You deserved it 12 429

FML on Facebook

Keywords

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The Top

Today, while I was waiting for an interview, I picked at a something I felt on my chin thinking that it was just some food. I had a good interview, then I got into my car and looked in the mirror, only to see that I had blood smeared all over my chin. Turns out I had picked a zit. No one told me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 288

You deserved it 6 620

Today, I got fired from my job as a florist. Why? Because my boss made me come in with a stomach virus, and I threw up on the flowers in front of customers. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 217

You deserved it 237

Today, two of my girlfriends and I went to a bar. The only action any of us got was a 50 year-old man who came up and handed us, "An origami vagina for the pretty ladies." FML

I agree, your life sucks 50 226

You deserved it 5 671

Today, I had a dentist appointment in which a nurse numbed my mouth. After coming home, I took a nap in which I unknowing bit through my top lip. I physically can't speak. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 889

You deserved it 175

Today, I put on a new shirt and headed out to a café to meet a friend. Halfway through our conversation, I noticed my cat had followed me into the café after somehow making a nest in my bag. I looked down to see her tail sticking out of my purse, wagging like she owned the place. She is tiny, but still… how she managed to stay hidden for more than 10 minutes is beyond me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 219

You deserved it 337

Today, after two months of rehearsals, an actor in my theater company decided he was unhappy with the role I gave him, so he refuses to perform. We open tonight. FML

I agree, your life sucks 13 229

You deserved it 983