Today, I found out that my beloved guinea pig has impaction. For the rest of his life it will be my duty to clean out his rectum manually every month, or every week/day if it gets worse. FML
Today, my sister asked me to let her dog out of the kennel when I got home. I did only to have the little beast bite me. She then ate the entire content of the cat's litter box, which she couldn't keep down. FML
Today, I was finishing up my art project that was due the next day. I was really tired and fell asleep on my table. Three hours later, I woke up to find my project torn to bits. I went out and saw my cat vomiting out feathers and other materials I used for my project. FML
Today, as I was lying on my bed with one of my arms hanging from the side, I felt something sniff my hand from underneath. I don't have any pets. FML
Today, the cat was screaming for canned food. To save the ears of everyone in the house, I decided to give him what he wanted. When I popped the lid, it squirted stinky cat-food gravy all over my shirt. When I tried to remove the shirt, it all went inside my pants. FML
CoyoteOldOne tells us more.
CoyoteOldOne 17
I am an uncontrolled human. The cat is uncontrolled also. Cat food doesnt smell nice to me, and it was a strong, wet, meaty smell. Dammit, that came out bad too. Maybe i should work at one of those phone sex lines.
Today, my asshole of a roommate finally decided to move out. Not only did he take his belongings with him, he took some of mine as well. Including my dog. FML
Today, I was eating ice cream and I noticed some on my jeans so I wiped it off with my finger and licked it. It was bird shit. FML
Today, my elderly neighbor called the police because my cat was in her yard. I now have a citation and a court date. Apparently, there is a leash law for cats in my town, and it is taken very seriously. FML
Today, I was with my 14 year-old son when we saw a baby sparrow being attacked by four or five blackbirds. We rushed up, waving our arms and scared away the much bigger attackers. The baby sparrow ran toward us for protection, then went past both of us, and ran straight down a storm sewer. FML
Today, I had to pull one of those toy stretchy hands out of my dog's butthole. It slapped me in the face when I finally got it out. FML
Today, I found out what it feels like to have a cow take a large, flatulent shit with my arm still elbow-deep inside their rectum. FML
Today, my dog ate my underwear. This is the twenty-seventh pair that he has eaten. FML
Today, my ex adopted a dog from the dog pound. It was the same dog he made me get rid of while we were still together. FML
Today, at work, the chest freezer was accidentally turned off. I work at a vet and the freezer is our morgue. It got opened before anyone realized the contents had thawed. FML
Today, my 4 year-old grand-daughter let her pet rabbit loose in the yard, while my 2 year-old grandson was trying to climb on a chair, then a table. I had to choose between catching the rabbit before it ran under the fence, or saving my grandson from falling on the concrete terrace. FML
arianelagolden tells us more.
All is well that ends well. Of course I chose to save the kid! Seriously! First I got my grand-son off the table, then I caught the rabbit on time, then I told the kids they could not do what they had done. When the parents returned, they told me this happens all the time. As there is a huge dog in the neighbours' yard, I don't think the rabbit will last long if they are not more careful.
Today, I got home from a long day at work, hoping to just fix dinner and relax, only to find that my cat had come into the house with a rabbit, and is now stuck underneath the cabinet. FML
Today, I found out how much those tiny dogs cost when my German Shepherd ate one. FML
Today, I got attacked by a monkey. My country isn't even supposed to have monkeys in it. FML
Crystal_da_thing tells us more.
I'm the one who wrote the fml turns out it escaped from a traveling zoo
Today, my cats found a new game to play. They each sit on either side of the cat flap, and take turns hitting it. Clack, clack. Clack, clack. At 3 am. Clack, clack. Clack, clack. FML
Today, I got yelled at for 'letting' my muddy dog jump on my cousin's wedding dress as she was getting ready. I don't own a dog and haven't since I was a kid. FML
Today, I took my car into a car wash. I guess it was a bad idea to do it with my dog in the car, because he freaked out, started scrambling around, and ended up pissing on everything, me included. FML
Today, at the age of 20, I still have a bed time. It is strictly enforced by my cat via endless meows if I am up past 11 pm. FML
Today, I was taking some clean bedsheets down from the top of the wardrobe. As I pulled the top sheet down, a cat jumped onto my face, claws and all, before falling to the floor and running away. Thing is, I don't own a cat and I have no idea where in the house it has hidden now. FML
Today, after putting the same load of laundry through the wash four times, I was wondering why my clothes kept smelling worse and worse. Turns out, my cat learned how to open and pee in the detergent funnel. FML
Today, our chocolate Labrador ran away. My dad adopted it because he really wanted a hunting dog, promising he'd be in charge of its training and feeding. I ended up getting saddled with that instead. The dog was so hyper it was untrainable, and dad blamed me when it burst out of its kennel and bolted into the night. FML
Today, I took my dog for a walk in the park. I was enjoying the fresh air until my dog spotted a squirrel and took off running. I ended up getting dragged through the mud and had to walk home covered in dirt and scratches. FML
Today, I was walking down the street when a police officer started walking behind me with his dog. I sped up and tried to cross the road. He took this as suspicious and got the dog to take me to the floor. I've been afraid of dogs since I was 5. FML
Today, I woke up on the last day of my vacation at the beach to find that my dog had chewed a hole in the wall of my rented house, 2 hours before the owner arrived to check for any damage. FML
Today, after being neutered, my dog has managed to destroy three different "cones of shame", a special (and expensive) inflatable "donut" collar, and two t-shirts used as last resorts. I've essentially spent over $100 to unsuccessfully try keep my dog from licking his crotch. FML
AnnoyedAggie16 tells us more.
This is the OP. I didn't have an account when I posted this so I'm not sure how to make my comment show I'm the OP, but oh well. Basically we adopted a dog after thanksgiving and the shelter insisted they neuter him themselves before he could go home with us. Being one of the highest intake shelters in the state, I'm sure his surgery was a little rushed, and the results were not ideal. Speaking as a former vet tech, his incision placement was very odd and has caused a lot of problems for him. We've actually had to see the vet four times in the past week over it. Unfortunately this makes it even more important for us to prevent him from licking, which obviously has proven problematic to say the least. We've finally managed to keep an e-collar on him for more than a day... but it's probably only a matter of time. We love our new troublemaker tons regardless though.
Today, at 2 a.m. I heard a noise coming from the living room. I thought somebody must be breaking in, so I had to save my cats. When I opened the door, all I could see was the only plant I owned, all over the room. The cats just greeted me with a friendly purr, like they were happy I was joining them in their sandbox. FML
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