Animals

This one's mine! Kind of weird to see it here. Anyway, the vet did several (pricey) tests to find out why my dog drinks so much and pees everywhere. The title pretty much nailed it, he's an asshole.

Easy mistake

By Anonymous - 26/03/2009 23:39 - United States

Today, I was at QuickTrip. As I was leaving, I passed a woman who was saying, "Stay!" very sternly through her open driver's side door. I smiled as I passed, saying, "Your dog wants to follow you huh? I've been there." She glared at me and said, "No. That's my son. He's mentally challenged." FML

I agree, your life sucks 52 031

You deserved it 26 135

RIP

By funnnyyyyy -_- - This FML is from back in 2015 but it's good stuff - Nepal - Kathmandu

Today, I was singing along to my favorite song when a giant bug flew into my mouth. I was so shocked, I almost swallowed it. After I was done freaking out, my sister wanted to throw the bug a big funeral for its "heroic sacrifice" in shutting me up. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 263

You deserved it 6 738

By Cat lover - 23/12/2017 01:30

Today, after 25 years living with my dad, who is highly allergic to cats, I was finally able to adopt two kittens to live in my new place, just like I have always wanted. Guess who else is highly allergic to cats? Me, it seems. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 519

You deserved it 1 006

I'm woke now

By Anonymous - 14/08/2024 23:00

Today, my cat woke me up a few minutes before my alarm, so I got up, had a pee, brushed my teeth, got dressed, went downstairs and fed her, started to make a coffee, and glanced at my phone clock. IT'S ONLY 01:30 IN THE FRICKING MORNING, MY ALARM DOESN’T GO OFF FOR ANOTHER 5 HOURS! DAMN CAT! FML

I agree, your life sucks 223

You deserved it 504

By reallyupset - 29/11/2011 05:14 - United States

Today, my boyfriend became convinced that I cheated on him, and broke up with me, saying he would "get me back." When I came home, I found his key on my counter and my cat missing. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 031

You deserved it 3 553

By hadtocleanthemess - 28/06/2011 12:35 - Canada

Today, my dog got his head stuck in a container, panicked, and shat himself all over the living room. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 898

You deserved it 4 207

By summerbabe77 - 22/07/2012 03:58 - United States - Medford

Today, my dog somehow managed to swallow a ring that my mother had bought me. Now I must carefully poke and search through each pile of dog crap I find in my yard for the next week. FML

I agree, your life sucks 22 989

You deserved it 2 971

By AdamwithanA - 11/10/2012 03:36 - Canada - Surrey

Today, I was walking home when I saw an elderly woman struggling with a large bag of garbage. I asked if I could help. I got it all the way to the dumpster and the bag ripped. Inside were about fourteen dead cats. FML

I agree, your life sucks 43 692

You deserved it 2 577

AdamwithanA tells us more.

AdamwithanA 6

Thursday 11 October 2012 9:49

I couldn't tell how many for sure but it was pretty heavy and the smell was unbelievable.

By Anonymous - 27/06/2014 20:22 - Spain - Valencia

Today, I was driving my 7-year-old daughter to school, when out of nowhere a bird smashed into the windshield. Instead of screaming or being traumatized by the gore like me, my daughter started laughing, eventually calling the bird a "stupid bastard". FML

I agree, your life sucks 52 313

You deserved it 9 394

By an adorable devil - 21/03/2016 06:52 - United States - Houston

Today, my new bunny decided she is only going to eat carrots. If I put anything else in her food bowl, she viciously attacks the bowl until all of the food has spilled out. FML

I agree, your life sucks 18 717

You deserved it 2 107

Hi Molly

By bellaellaella - 22/09/2009 18:10 - United States

Today, after months of enduring my neighbor's relentlessly yapping schnauzer, Molly, I moved into a new building. I was greeted by my new neighbor and her yapping rat terrier, Molly. FML

I agree, your life sucks 43 328

You deserved it 4 037

By Locked Out - 14/05/2013 19:11 - United States

Today, after coming home from school, I found that two birds had made a nest above the porch light. This wouldn't be a problem if they stopped attacking me every time I get within 5 feet of them. FML

I agree, your life sucks 41 788

You deserved it 3 547

Help!

By notwasted39 - This FML is from back in 2009 but it's good stuff - United States

Today, I was walking to my mailbox when I fell down and couldn't get up. My neighbor walked by with his dog, took one look at me struggling, said, "What is wrong with kids these days, drunk at 9 a.m.?" and continued on. I couldn't get up because I'm still healing from a stress fracture in my hip. FML

I agree, your life sucks 55 452

You deserved it 3 178

By hellostupid - 28/03/2013 08:19 - United States

Today, I had to convince my 20-year-old boyfriend that not only is his aquatic turtle a reptile, but that it's also cold-blooded and thus can't regulate its own temperature just by going into its shell. He still thinks I'm the stupid one. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 996

You deserved it 4 817

By bored2death - 23/07/2010 22:15 - United States

Today, I realized that the only one willing to hang out with me this summer is my guinea pig. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 268

You deserved it 6 223

I am sexy

By Anonymous - 19/12/2019 18:00

Today, I went to a zoo that had a gorilla in a cage. I walked up, and the gorilla stopped what he was doing, looked me in the eyes, and started jacking off. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 505

You deserved it 511

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The Top

Today, my 19 year-old brother called me a moron and told me to go read a book, after I corrected him when he said girls don't have colons. FML

I agree, your life sucks 24 756

You deserved it 2 198

Today, I went to a yoga class, thinking it would be good for my stiff calf from running. I pulled my back out doing the downward dog. Now can't get out of bed. FML

I agree, your life sucks 812

You deserved it 156

Today, I was lying in bed when my sister came home. She had a Mountain Dew, so of course I asked for some. She then told me she just sucked dick. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 027

You deserved it 457

Today, I was talking with a friend and casually mentioned how close I live to a train station. She said that since we’re both about a day away from NYC, we should meet up there and have a girls trip. I thought it was an awesome idea. When I mentioned it to my fiancé, he freaked about money. The date isn’t even set yet. FML

I agree, your life sucks 442

You deserved it 161

Today, I went to work completely hung over. I was at my desk for 5 minutes before security threw me out on my ass. Apparently, I’m hung over because I got fired yesterday and got blackout drunk, completely forgetting that I had been fired. FML

I agree, your life sucks 973

You deserved it 3 053

Today, I found out I have celiac disease. I also happen to be a baker and will be constantly reminded of all the wheat products I can no longer enjoy. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 460

You deserved it 147