Animals

By lizzy1843 - 26/01/2011 14:48 - United States

Today, my cat pissed in my zen garden. FML

I agree, your life sucks 16 953

You deserved it 23 875

High emissions zone

By BodyElectric - This FML is from back in 2016 but it's good stuff

Today, I was checking my kitten's neutering stitches when he farted so hard that a stray piece of cat shit shot out and hit me in the eye. FML

I agree, your life sucks 18 159

You deserved it 3 900

Cujo

By Doglover - 13/10/2011 15:55 - United Kingdom

Today, I had to climb up and sit in a tree for half an hour to avoid being mauled by a huge, insane dog. Its weird-looking owner eventually turned up, sneered at me, and walked off with the visibly smug dog in tow. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 035

You deserved it 2 899

By Anonymous - 10/11/2011 17:07 - Ireland

Today, I stepped in a pile of dog shit. While trying to get it off by wiping my foot on the grass, I stepped in another pile. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 850

You deserved it 7 679

By Anonymous - 22/10/2009 02:58 - United States

Today, my cat managed to lock my dad and me outside of our house. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 837

You deserved it 6 978

By Anonymous - 29/01/2011 08:09 - France

Today, my cat died while walking around the kitchen. He had a heart attack when the toaster popped out two slices of bread. FML

I agree, your life sucks 55 539

You deserved it 4 485

The Voice

By Anonymous - 06/09/2021 05:01

Today, my boyfriend took our dog to the vet because he heard him whining in pain this morning. It was actually me singing in the shower. FML

I agree, your life sucks 902

You deserved it 297

Bad doggies

By Fuck dogs, I need a treadmill - 23/02/2024 20:00 - United States

Today, I went for a walk. I was repeatedly barked at, and almost attacked, by nearly a dozen dogs. I have cynophobia from being nearly killed by violent untrained dogs on several occasions, so just hearing a dog bark gives me severe heart palpitations. I'm not kidding when I say I almost had a heart attack. FML

I agree, your life sucks 496

You deserved it 181

Bathtime

By BadCatOwner - 25/06/2023 10:00

Today, my 11 year-old daughter claimed I'm a terrible cat parent. Why? Because in the 4 months that we've had the cat, I haven't given him a bath. Our strictly indoor kitten lives in attack mode, and would paint the walls with my blood if I attempted it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 744

You deserved it 161

By birdguts - 31/01/2011 02:34 - United Kingdom

Today, after 2 years together, my boyfriend finally proposed. I excitedly said yes. Just as we began to kiss, my half crazed cat ran in, dropped a half eaten bird at our feet, and promptly threw up on the carpet. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 013

You deserved it 5 267

Grooming tips

By love bitten - 14/07/2021 16:01 - Australia

Today, after two months of having a bird, she finally trusts me enough to perch on and even preen me. Unfortunately, it seems she thinks my freckles are lice and she's made it her mission to bite them off. FML

I agree, your life sucks 916

You deserved it 169

By Anonymous - 21/11/2012 05:00 - United States - Casselberry

Today, my dog climbed onto the dining room table to eat the cat's food. Then whined until I showed him how to get down. He does this every night. My dog is a genius. FML

I agree, your life sucks 20 973

You deserved it 5 117

By hulagirl1217 - 29/05/2010 12:11 - United States

Today, a bee landed on my leg. I didn't realize it was there until my friend yelled out, "Bee!" kicked me in the leg, and ran off. I fell to the ground screaming and clutching my leg. She missed the bee and it still stung me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 605

You deserved it 2 949

It's probably considered art

By firestar772 - 11/02/2013 15:48 - United States - Santa Barbara

Today, my dog ate a whole case of my son's paintballs, because apparently they are made of a fish byproduct. Not only does the whole house smell like fish, there are countless bright yellow dog turds all over the house and our yard. FML

I agree, your life sucks 37 049

You deserved it 4 479

By Sid - 10/04/2011 00:58 - United States

Today, my dog was barking at a squirrel in the yard. I opened the door to let him chase the squirrel. I went to look at the dead squirrel and found out it was the neighbor's chihuahua. FML

I agree, your life sucks 24 711

You deserved it 41 810

Good boy

By achoo - 27/04/2009 12:52 - United States

Today, I brought back the puppy I adopted for my family. I spent months doing all the research on puppy care with two young children, and at least five hundred dollars for the dog, the supplies, toys… the whole lot. Turns out everyone's allergic to her. FML

I agree, your life sucks 53 202

You deserved it 8 528

By Anon127 - 12/06/2012 02:40 - United States - Taunton

Today, I learned that instead of training my cat, she has been training me. She now refuses to drink anything but running tap water, and yowls loudly early in the morning at my bedroom door to be fed. FML

I agree, your life sucks 20 317

You deserved it 8 062

Rulers of the world

By Anonymous - 10/06/2021 18:01 - Germany

Today, my mom insists on leaving both the front and kitchen door open in case the cat comes home, no matter if it gets cold inside. Yes, the cat is that important. Yes, he also has a cat flap. FML

I agree, your life sucks 926

You deserved it 99

By brittyed - 25/03/2013 05:04 - United States

Today, my guinea pig was resting on my shoulder. However, I forgot to tie my hair up and she gnawed off a clump of it that was a good 6 inches long. I had to fight her to get it out of her mouth. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 769

You deserved it 9 913

brittyed tells us more.

brittyed 11

Tuesday 26 March 2013 17:57

Hey guys, OP here. Posted this before I made a username. I didn't actually place her on my shoulder, I was sitting on the couch letting her run around next to me and she decided to climb up my chest and onto my shoulder. Suddenly I heard this weird crunching sound next to my head and I picked her up and saw the clump of hair hanging out of her mouth! Then it was like playing tug-of-war with a dog. She would NOT let go. I didn't think I'd have to pull as hard as I did just to pull something out of a guinea pig's mouth lol! I didn't want her getting sick so I put her back in her cage and threw the hair in the garbage.

I'm fine, this is fine

By btg - This FML is from back in 2010 but it's good stuff - United States

Today, I found out that my girlfriend feeds her boogers to our dog. Sometimes she even makes her do tricks for them. FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 694

You deserved it 3 666

Say sorry to Mr Whiskers!

By Anonymous - 10/05/2021 14:01

Today, I awoke to my cat sitting on my chest. That wouldn't be so bad if I hadn't tried to get her off. She promptly went crazy and scratched me. My fiancée, who was sleeping next to me, hit me, called me cruel, and told me to apologize to the cat. I did. FML

I agree, your life sucks 950

You deserved it 340

By nattnatt73 - 10/09/2016 07:07 - United States - Marion

Today, my dog brought me his squeaky toy to throw for him. I went to throw it down the hallway but it hit the door and bounced about a foot in front of him. He just stared at me for a minute like I was dumb, then took it to my boyfriend to throw. I disappoint even my dog. FML

I agree, your life sucks 14 874

You deserved it 1 903

Cats are Satan's Minions

By I don't trust them. - 02/07/2017 18:00

Today, I learned that our cats love to knock over glasses and cups, particularly if they have liquid in them. The latest victim of their antics? My expensive computer keyboard. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 215

You deserved it 1 008

By SkinsCastSelection - 17/01/2011 22:50 - France

Today, at the supermarket, my mother stopped in the middle of a lane and imitated a gorilla as a way of asking me from far away if I wanted any bananas. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 214

You deserved it 4 393

By ks.swan13 - 22/12/2010 09:50

Today, I got a call about my dog who went missing a week ago. The guy who called said "We have your dog, but you aren't getting her back." Then he hung up. FML

I agree, your life sucks 43 690

You deserved it 2 910

By Tragic - 27/04/2009 21:50 - United States

Today, I heard my mom ask "Are you okay?" I opened my mouth to tell her about how I've been feeling suicidal lately. At that second, I realized she was talking to my cat. FML

I agree, your life sucks 67 298

You deserved it 6 842

By 3hoursleftofwork - 28/03/2012 18:02 - United Kingdom - Milton Keynes

Today, the magic of witnessing a sheep giving birth was ruined for me when I slipped and fell in the puddle of birth fluids. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 768

You deserved it 5 380

By Deconstructed - 19/05/2009 20:13 - United States

Today, my husband let me sleep in while he worked on the landscaping by our backyard pool. Ready for a shower, I stripped naked, opened the back door to let the dog out, and stepped out to ask him how it was going. Turns out he'd finally hired a landscaping crew. FML

I agree, your life sucks 46 126

You deserved it 28 019

By poorhamster - 23/10/2010 06:22 - United States

Today, I found my pet hamster that escaped yesterday, wet and soggy, next to my pet dog. My dog chewed it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 090

You deserved it 3 929

Arnold Layne

By Anonymous - 28/04/2025 12:00 - United States - Portland

Today, my cat brought me a “gift” by dragging in a sock from my neighbor’s porch. It was a child's sock. I took it back to them, but I'm pretty sure the neighbor now thinks I steal clothes. FML

I agree, your life sucks 329

You deserved it 106

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Random

Today, I woke up in my hospital bed after having knee surgery, on the wrong knee. FML

I agree, your life sucks 73 133

You deserved it 4 042

Today, my friend figured out that if you poke my neck I scratch like a dog. She has yet to cease doing it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 5 344

You deserved it 811

Today, I finally got to experience being loved, or at least what it looks like. I paid for a fabulous wedding in a video game with a reluctant friend, who only agreed after I explained all the free costumes, pets, and other items he'd receive. FML

I agree, your life sucks 711

You deserved it 421

Today, holding my teenager's hand at the hospital, I unfortunately had a front row seat as a nurse manipulated his penis trying to pop a ball bearing out of his urethra. He had been curious to see if it fit. It did. And no matter how hard he tried he couldn’t pee it out, so off to the hospital we went. FML

I agree, your life sucks 570

You deserved it 151

Today, I set my alarm to wake up early for work. It turns out I set it for PM instead of AM. I woke up to my boss calling me, asking if I was still alive. FML

I agree, your life sucks 315

You deserved it 272

Today, I sit alone in a nearly empty apartment, drinking from a whiskey bottle. Two weeks ago, my wife and I were ready to welcome our first child… except the little bastard was the wrong color, and my wife's hysterical tears told me everything. FML

I agree, your life sucks 794

You deserved it 90