Animals

Summer lovin'

By I wish I was making this up - 15/07/2024 09:00 - United States

Today, I found out my cat and my roommate's dog are apparently lesbians who are into what is basically bestiality to us humans. Despite both being female (and fixed), his dog tried to hump my cat, and my cat didn't resist at all. Trying to get his dog off my cat took way more effort than it should have. FML

I agree, your life sucks 361

You deserved it 119

By killer - 17/07/2010 14:54 - United States

Today, I was outside when a mouse ran toward my feet. There was a wall behind me, so I tried to jump over him. He changed course, and I landed on him. It crunched. FML

I agree, your life sucks 37 855

You deserved it 8 124

By patient_mom - 14/06/2015 01:27 - Australia - Surrey Hills

Today, I had to wait for my daughter's pet python to finish taking a bath before I could take a shower and go to work. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 090

You deserved it 3 985

Batman

By Anonymous - 05/10/2021 23:00

Today, at work, someone found a bat indoors. I offered my help. They shouted, "Let someone with the right expertise do it." I volunteer as a bat carer. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 073

You deserved it 137

Who are you?

By Anonymous - 11/01/2024 22:00 - Germany

Today, I heard the cat flap so I called out, “Hello my darling!” When the noise continued but no cat appeared, I went to check and it turned out that "My darling“ was a rat that had just figured out the mechanism and was working up the courage to come in and steal my chicken feed. FML

I agree, your life sucks 487

You deserved it 137

By duderboi99 - 25/05/2009 19:45 - United States

Today, I was writing a huge paper for a class as our last grade. My dog starts scratching himself. He hit the power button on the computer. Nothing was saved. FML

I agree, your life sucks 45 271

You deserved it 40 157

By Boyufd - 09/09/2018 03:30

Today, knowing that I have severe arachnophobia, my brother brought over his friend's tarantula. One hour later, the spider got loose. It's been 5 hours and I'm afraid to go to sleep. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 940

You deserved it 243

He's onto you

By No way, doggy - 25/01/2025 00:00 - Canada - Vancouver

Today, I tried to sneak some cookies out of the pantry without my dog noticing. I dropped one, and now he thinks that every time I open the pantry, it’s snack time. He won’t stop barking at it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 321

You deserved it 193

Still counts!

By Andrea Trevor - 07/08/2018 15:00

Today, I finally did the splits for the first time in my life! Unfortunately, it happened when I stepped in wet dog poop on my kitchen floor. One foot slipped forward in it, and I fell right on top of it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 516

You deserved it 250

By DocDog - 24/03/2017 02:00

Today, my grandmother threatened to write me out of her will because I refused to believe that dogs can perform the Heimlich Manoeuvre. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 707

You deserved it 509

Artificial tree meets natural predators

By Anonymous - 08/12/2024 05:00 - United States

Today, I pulled my Christmas tree out of my mother-in-law's garage, only to find out rats had ruined all the lights. The tree cost $2600. FML

I agree, your life sucks 222

You deserved it 585

By Pisser - 26/06/2014 04:57 - United States - Portland

Today, my sweet 7-month-old puppy ran up to a big fat dog at the park and did what she always does: roll over on her back to start to play. The big fat dog lifted his leg and peed all over my puppy's belly. After the shock, my soaking wet puppy jumped on me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 51 206

You deserved it 5 734

Disproportionate response

By pick up after your dog you lazy piece of shit! - 09/06/2023 00:00

Today, having such terrible social anxiety and being terrified of confrontation, I confided in my apartment's maintenance man about my neighbor not picking up her dog’s poop. He assured me he’d handle it. He reported her to the leasing office, and now she and her kids are getting evicted. I feel bad. FML

I agree, your life sucks 795

You deserved it 295

By inpain - 02/12/2011 05:14 - United States

Today, I learned that my hairdo must look like a rat. I found out when a hawk swooped down and dug its claws into my head while I was sunbathing. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 971

You deserved it 6 211

By sly - 25/10/2010 22:09 - United States

Today, my boyfriend decided to come over and surprise me. When he got to my apartment and heard the shower running, he decided get in and join me. I was walking my dog, my mother is in town for the weekend. FML

I agree, your life sucks 47 128

You deserved it 4 465

How bad can it be?

By SEND HELP - 12/11/2022 23:00 - United States

Today, I've realized that I, an introvert who prefers to be in the comfort of my own home, now prefer to stay out of the house as much as possible, because the obnoxious behavioral issues of my disobedient pets are making my life miserable. Is this how you become a workaholic? FML

I agree, your life sucks 250

You deserved it 1 061

By thecatlady - 27/02/2013 07:12 - Australia - Kambalda

Today, I realised the extent of my wife's cat obsession when I received an $850 bill for the air conditioner she leaves on for our 5 cats while we are at work. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 807

You deserved it 4 316

By StinkyDogs - 27/03/2011 10:06 - United States

Today, on the way home from the dog groomer, my great Dane had a bout of diarrhea in the car. I slammed on the brakes and my other freshly shampooed dog slid off the seat and into the pile of crap. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 715

You deserved it 11 270

Naughty boy

By tenniemo - 11/06/2018 17:39 - United States - Green Valley

Today, I’m pet-sitting for my parents while they’re on vacation. So far, one cat has projectile vomited all over the living room, and another has pooped in their bed. Twice. My parents were not concerned when I called, and said this is normal behavior. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 857

You deserved it 298

By Anonameow - 19/07/2016 13:49

Today, I woke up to an unexpected surprise for my birthday. It wasn't cake, nor ice cream. It was hundreds of baby spiders crawling all over me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 13 907

You deserved it 2 512

By Anonymous - 09/11/2015 14:58 - United States - Redlands

Today, my mother informed me that she sold my dog to pay off some bills. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 813

You deserved it 1 839

Catchy

By Apcn - 05/06/2014 20:05 - France - Concarneau

Today, my boyfriend bought yet another video game and played it all afternoon. Unlike me, our parrot is taking this situation rather well - for the past two hours he's been repeating, over and over, "EA Sports, it's in the game." FML

I agree, your life sucks 47 077

You deserved it 5 883

By Anonytard - 02/03/2014 22:38 - Canada - Toronto

Today, I tried to kill a spider by throwing a shoe at it. All it did was slice the spider's egg sac open, releasing all its babies. FML

I agree, your life sucks 57 722

You deserved it 15 141

By Roselyn Cazares - 23/07/2017 19:55

Today, I was petting my female hamster when I felt a big mass under her. I immediately thought it was a tumor so I poked it to see if it hurt her. It didn't. Turns out my female hamster is actually a male, and he has really big balls. I touched my hamster's balls. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 169

You deserved it 1 945

By avertle - 18/10/2018 20:30

Today, I got home from a long, stressful day at class to hear my grandma screaming from inside the barn. I quickly dropped all my things and ran in to see what was going on. Did something fall on her? Was there an animal attacking the horses? No. A pigeon had gotten into the barn. I had to chase it out. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 239

You deserved it 310

avertle tells us more.

avertle 9

Tuesday 16 October 2018 20:04

OP here. I probably should’ve clarified this- she is not afraid of birds. The barn always has pigeons in it. She wasn’t afraid of the pigeon. The pigeon had gotten into a separate part of the barn that it isn’t supposed to be in. She was trying to get it out and decided the best way to do that was scream like a banshee until it left, which only made problems worse.

New friend

By Anonymous - 13/12/2023 19:00 - United Kingdom

Today, my kids got me a dog to replace the dog who died last year. I don’t like dogs, our old dog was my deceased wife’s dog, and I never liked it. I cared for the dog until it died of old age and fully intended to never get another one. Now I have a hyperactive puppy destroying my house. FML

I agree, your life sucks 795

You deserved it 210

By missionfailed - 01/11/2017 05:26

Today, I took my dog back to the vet because her face was completely swollen and her stomach was bright red and blotchy. It's obviously the medication she just started, but my vet doesn't believe dogs have allergic reactions. It's the only vet in the area. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 410

You deserved it 217

By Caqtusmonkey - 25/08/2016 15:28 - United States - Arlington

Today, I heard my dog chewing on something. I called her over, held out my hand, and told her to drop it. She dropped it into my hand, and I was proud of her. That was until I realized it was cat poop. FML

I agree, your life sucks 13 800

You deserved it 1 818

Because I'm worth it

By Anonymous - 23/12/2020 02:01

Today, I discovered a cat turd in a bath towel from most recent batch of laundry. I was wondering why my facemasks for the whole work week smelled so strange. FML

I agree, your life sucks 877

You deserved it 194

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The Top

The Top

Today, I was designated driver for my friends. This entailed standing around in the cold for 3 hours, not drinking, dealing with drunk people, and oh yeah, I almost forgot, cleaning up vomit from my hair, my clothes, and my new car. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 160

You deserved it 7 531

Today, I was messing around on my laptop by drawing on the screen with a marker pen. When it came time to clean it off, it wouldn't budge. Now I have a full beard and mustache etched permanently on my computer screen. FML

I agree, your life sucks 8 141

You deserved it 121 887

Today, my dad is infuriating by increasingly asking me to do things around the house, but because he doesn’t like how I do them he yells at me and then does it himself. It’s almost like he cares more about inventing excuses to yell at me than he does to actually get things done. FML

I agree, your life sucks 779

You deserved it 166

Today, I finally had one of my preschool students observed by the county for aggressive behavior intervention. Of course, he only started hitting my assistant and other students after the observer left. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 484

You deserved it 293

Today, I'm sick with the worst head cold of my life. For some reason whenever I cough, I also fart. Everyone thinks I'm just trying to cover up flatulence with fake coughing. FML

I agree, your life sucks 38 100

You deserved it 3 518

Today, while working as security for a football game, I told a woman she wasn't allowed to bring her Snickers bar into the stadium because no outside food was allowed in. She threw it at my face, then tried to spit on me. I hate people. FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 915

You deserved it 7 681