Today, at work I got an urgent message from my boyfriend that there was an emergency and I should come home immediately. I took my last personal day of the month and drove the half-hour home. The emergency? The cat had vomited on the comforter. FML
Today, I found out my new puppy has worms by him scooting his butt across my new carpet. It's like smeared spaghetti. FML
Today, I couldn't sleep because I had the worst time positioning myself around my cat who was sleeping in my bed. I couldn't kick my cat out of bed because I earlier today had an argument with my brother over which of us the cat loved more. FML
Today, I used a new body wash that smells like vanilla cookies. My dog spent the entire day chasing me around and trying to lick my arms. FML
Today, I got caught trying to steal my own cat back from my neighbor. FML
Today, I have to give my cat medicine to help with his constipation. He doesn't like it. On the other hand, my other cat, who isn't constipated, loves it. This may prove to be challenging. FML
Today, I found out that both of my cats are afraid of mice. So far I've seen them run and hide from 3 different mice who've recently invaded my apartment. FML
Today, I woke up to find two pitbulls viciously tearing up my couch. I have never owned a dog and I live alone. FML
Today, our dog is old and deaf, and has figured out she just needs to bark if she needs to be let inside. Unfortunately, she's also a bit senile, so sometimes she just barks for no reason, while lying still and quite comfortably on her dog bed, staring at nothing. FML
Today, I let my dog outside so he could pee. After an hour, I let him back in. He just wanted to come inside to pee on the floor. FML
Today, I tasted a perfectly salted, crispy, and dead carpenter ant hidden in my bag of pistachios. FML
Today, I came home after having traveled abroad for the last two months. Before I left, I'd asked my dad to take care of my fish, and he promised they'd be safe with him. I found them all decomposing. FML
Today, my boyfriend's mom is talking shit about me to anyone who will listen, all because I refused to stay at her house and help her with a few chores she said she would pay me for. She keeps leaving out the part where I saw dozens of bed bugs not even 5 minutes after I got there. FML
Today, I was brushing my teeth when I looked up. There was a huge scorpion dangling on the air vent above my head. I was trapped in the bathroom for over an hour trying to build the courage to run out. FML
Today, my sister brought her class hamster home from school. Somehow it escaped from its cage, and ran into my room. My boyfriend, thinking it was a mouse, stomped on it. I'm stuck cleaning hamster guts from my carpet, and have to explain to a kindergarten class what happened to their pet. FML
Today, I pet my neighbour's two cats. They were at opposite ends of the same room, so I could only pet one at a time. When I pet one, the other one felt lonely and cried for me. I felt sorry for her. Cutest FML ever. FML
Today, I heard a noise in my garage so I grabbed a baseball bat and went to look. The skunk I stirred was actually better armed than me. FML
Today, I saw a wasp on the ground, apparently injured and unable to fly. It was being mobbed by ants and looked certain to die, so I stamped on the ants to save its life. At this point it sprung up, stung me, then flew off. FML
Today, I realized the number of cats I currently have is higher than the number of guys I've ever dated. FML
Today, I managed to fell a tree perfectly. It landed exactly where it should. Today is also the day I managed to Whack-a-Mole in real life. FML
Today, I saw a commercial for some sort of meaty beef dish. The camera zoomed in and my mouth watered because it looked so delicious. Then flashed the next scene: Golden Retrievers running through a field, then eating from their bowl. My mouth just watered for a dog food commercial. FML
Today, at lunch, a fly was buzzing around my food. I managed to kill the fly in my napkin in midair. I continued my lunch, pleased with my amazing ninja skills. When I was done with my lunch, I wiped my mouth with the napkin. I can still taste bug guts. Karma. FML
Today, I've realized that my cat doesn't give me the time of day, unless I'm trying to do something that's difficult with a cat present, or at the very least makes it impossible for me to give him attention. Then he's all over me. It's a vicious cycle, with no end in sight. FML
Today, despite having the choice of several bowls of clean water in the house, as well as puddles and ponds outside, my cat was drinking out of a pot I was soaking in the sink. She doesn’t seem to mind the taste of dish soap. FML
Today, I overheard my manager tell a customer that it's perfectly safe for dogs to eat grapes if they're seedless. I work in a pet store. FML
Today, I left for my shop in the work truck at 6 a.m. I was still in the process of waking up with my windows down, on a semi-busy street, when BAM! a bird flew in the window into the cab. FML
Today, I went out to party for the evening. I came home a bit later than normal, but apparently it was enough that my cat thought she was going to starve, and foraged for herself. She ate a bowl of Hershey's Kisses. I spent my night at the emergency vet, wondering if cat Darwin Awards exist. FML
cacheson tells us more.
cacheson 42
Ok, followup: cat is fine. She had to stay at the hospital overnight with IV fluids to flush out her system. Also, anyone who understands how picky cats are about what they eat would be surprised that a cat would even consider chocolate food... including the emergency vet, who had never seen a case of a cat eating chocolate in her entire 15 years, simply because cats are not supposed to be dumb enough to try eating it. She had also left said bowl of chocolates (which was up on a high shelf) alone for about three months already, so I had no reason to think she would go after it. Needless to say, I now keep all food items out of reach and sight, regardless of what they are. Since the incident, some of her favorite foods I have discovered (that I mostly try desperately to keep her from eating): tomatoes, peanuts, ice cream, raw sugar snap peas (and other veggies), hair, cardboard, string, rubber bands, and cat litter. The best part? After all that, she doesn't believe that kitty treat tuna flakes are food. Too much like paper...?
Today, I sprayed down some ants in my house. In the sea of ant corpses was a single living ant seemingly cradling a dead one in its arms. I'm convinced I just became the villain in an epic tragedy. Now I have to live with my ant problem because I can't bear to tear another family apart. FML
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