Animals

Keep cool

By Anonymous - This FML is from back in 2009 but it's good stuff - United States

Today, at work, I screamed, used one of my employees as a human shield, dove for cover, and cried. Why? A bat flew into my store. Bats scare me shitless. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 531

You deserved it 10 164

Spook Magook

By Anonymous - 02/06/2021 08:01

Today, I found rodent droppings in my bed, inches away from where my pillow is. I spend almost 99% of my time in my room and I never once heard or saw any signs of a rodent. FML

I agree, your life sucks 965

You deserved it 132

By misTreated - 30/05/2010 04:01 - United States

Today, I was spelling T-R-E-A-T to my fiancé so that the dog wouldn't understand what I was talking about. Turns out, neither could my fiancé. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 003

You deserved it 5 570

By poopEVERYWHERE - 18/09/2009 14:27 - United States

Today, I heard my dad screaming in the hallway. Thinking he was having a heart attack I ran to the hall without looking where I was going. I slipped and slid towards my dad in what turned out to be a mass quantity of diarrhea from one of my two dogs. He was screaming because he stepped in it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 40 977

You deserved it 4 348

How could you, Human?

By I'm a dumbass - 27/08/2024 02:00 - United States

Today, I closed my bedroom door before I went to work this morning so my cat wouldn't chew on the cords in there. When I got back, I couldn't find my other cat anywhere. I went to my bedroom and heard her yelling. She was in there, stuck there all morning and afternoon. Oops. FML

I agree, your life sucks 131

You deserved it 448

To show you my love

By Anonymous - 18/09/2023 23:00 - United States - Monterey

Today, after waiting 3 weeks so she wouldn't be too stressed after being shipped, I was finally able to handle my snake for the first time. As I went to pick her up, I noticed she's about to shed and so is temporarily super stressed by any movement nearby, let alone contact. Here's to another week of waiting. FML

I agree, your life sucks 286

You deserved it 612

Tasty snack

By spiderinmylips - 24/06/2009 20:19 - United States

Today, I was laying out in my backyard trying to get some color when I felt a little tickle on my lips. I rubbed them together to satisfy the itch, when I felt a sort of crunchiness popping between them. I had crushed a spider between my lips and its legs were still moving. FML

I agree, your life sucks 46 125

You deserved it 7 504

By wished i had a cat - 19/10/2018 17:30

Today, I discovered that my dog knows how to lock doors. This wouldn't have been a problem if anyone in my house every carried a key. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 376

You deserved it 637

Thanks dude

By Cheese - 12/05/2021 00:02

Spicy

Today, my sausage dog ate my cat's turds and barfed them all over my bed. Try convincing the girl you just brought home to get into bed after that. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 013

You deserved it 280

By Donewiththis - 21/06/2016 05:35

Today, my cat was diagnosed with FIV, to which my in-laws said, "That's impossible!" Apparently, what is possible though is that aliens are stealing their pool water. FML

I agree, your life sucks 13 037

You deserved it 865

By dogbreederssuck - 03/02/2015 15:26 - United Kingdom - Ormskirk

Today, at work, I had to tell a woman that there is no such thing as a "pedigree Beahuahuadoodle", and that she'd essentially paid $500 for a mutt. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 526

You deserved it 2 881

By Anonymous - 04/01/2011 19:34 - United Kingdom

Today, I was talking to my boyfriend about our new year's resolutions. I started telling him that I wanted to lose some weight. He interrupted me, saying, "Yeah yeah, we all know you're fat, whatever." He then went on a 30 minute speech about how he'd really like to take more pictures of his cat in 2011. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 508

You deserved it 6 295

By Anonymous - 04/10/2011 04:48 - United States

Today, at work I got an urgent message from my boyfriend that there was an emergency and I should come home immediately. I took my last personal day of the month and drove the half-hour home. The emergency? The cat had vomited on the comforter. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 540

You deserved it 3 602

By Idk - 29/05/2014 06:46 - United States - Gainesville

Today, I saw a pair of eyes looking at me from my closet. Realizing it must be my cat, I called her. She immediately came out from under my bed. I can't find anything in my closet. FML

I agree, your life sucks 65 752

You deserved it 5 112

By Tragic - 27/04/2009 21:50 - United States

Today, I heard my mom ask "Are you okay?" I opened my mouth to tell her about how I've been feeling suicidal lately. At that second, I realized she was talking to my cat. FML

I agree, your life sucks 67 295

You deserved it 6 841

By AquaKelly - 24/12/2014 01:48 - United States - Newark

Today, I set a trap to catch a mouse that ran across my foot. Not only did the trap shut on my finger twice, but I watched the mouse run over the trap without it snapping shut. I guess I have a new roommate. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 833

You deserved it 4 771

By nattnatt73 - 10/09/2016 07:07 - United States - Marion

Today, my dog brought me his squeaky toy to throw for him. I went to throw it down the hallway but it hit the door and bounced about a foot in front of him. He just stared at me for a minute like I was dumb, then took it to my boyfriend to throw. I disappoint even my dog. FML

I agree, your life sucks 14 871

You deserved it 1 897

Adding insult to injury

By Shibs - 13/10/2015 16:55 - Australia - Hurstville

Today, I was riding my bike along a road and a deer jumped out from the tree line, knocking me to the ground and breaking my arm. Someone pulled over to see if I was alright, running over my bike in the process. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 432

You deserved it 1 792

Is that even legal?

By Monkeys aren't pets - 07/12/2020 23:04 - United States - Millersville

Today, I found out in addition to the ADHD teenager they scream at, my boyfriend's parents are planning on getting a monkey. I work at an animal shelter, so now I'm obligated to have a long conversation with them about what a crap idea that is. FML

I agree, your life sucks 899

You deserved it 117

By Anonymous - 05/02/2011 06:07 - United States

Today, I found out my dad ate my pet rabbit two years ago. He said he ran away. FML

I agree, your life sucks 53 381

You deserved it 4 190

By notacatperson - 01/03/2011 10:41 - United Kingdom

Today, I was informed that due to my cat being aggressive and attacking the postman several times, my mail would no longer be delivered to my address. I don't own a cat. FML

I agree, your life sucks 41 098

You deserved it 2 794

MORE! MORE!

By bursteardrums - This FML is from back in 2011 but it's good stuff - United Kingdom

Today, I introduced my parrot to oranges. Now she makes a high pitched scream if I don't give her any, and I've just run out of oranges. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 644

You deserved it 11 396

By Anonymous - 06/01/2016 06:54 - United States - San Francisco

Today, I finally got myself settled into bed around 2 in the morning after a very long day. My cat started to snuggle with me when I smelled something disgusting. Turns out my cat sharted in my bed. FML

I agree, your life sucks 23 145

You deserved it 2 171

Morning!

By whydoihavecats - This FML is from back in 2015 but it's good stuff - United Kingdom

Today, I found out what mouse intestines squashed against my bare feet feels like. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 845

You deserved it 2 729

By aliqi - 12/05/2012 20:48 - United States

Today, I noticed a little white ball in the corner of my bedroom ceiling. I guess it had been there for a while already, but the teeming mass of baby spiders crawling out made it a lot more conspicuous. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 332

You deserved it 3 429

By livinproof - 10/12/2018 13:30

Today, not only did my horse step on my foot & refuse to move, he also took the opportunity to crap on my other foot while I was incapable of moving. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 624

You deserved it 329

Let him have his innocence

By sydcaller618 - This FML is from back in 2015 but it's good stuff - United States - Richmond

Today, my six-year-old son told me how it was funny that there's "a food chicken and an animal chicken". That's going to be a fun one to explain to him. FML

I agree, your life sucks 24 376

You deserved it 2 660

By CaffeinePlz_24_7 - 16/11/2016 14:20

Today, my mum called me at work in hysterics, saying she had just been arrested and that I needed to get her dog from her house. I had no idea why she was arrested. I hear nothing from her until 1 a.m. when she calls, waking me up. The first words out of her mouth are, "How's the dog?" FML

I agree, your life sucks 9 139

You deserved it 744

CaffeinePlz_24_7 tells us more.

CaffeinePlz_24_7 6

Thursday 17 November 2016 19:13

OP here (TooStressedToFunction) with an update on things. Had to make an account for this, so enjoy. Turns out my mum AND dad were arrested, and are now on bail for six months. I'm not at liberty to say why they were arrested but trust me the allergations are BAD. Personally I don't belive the allergations are true, but my parents do need to move. Where are they moving? Closer to a support network maybe, consisting of family and friends who can help them through this hard and upsetting time ? Nope! Closer to the dog's special private vet, a full hour away from anyone that they know will help them. I fear pyscological issues are at play. P.S. The dog is fine, other than decades of interbreeding to keep his bloodline pedigree

Are you sure you're OK?

By H…… - 20/11/2020 20:08

Today, my roommate and I were talking about how much better my dog has gotten at not peeing in the house, and how I was doing better at not losing my temper when he did. A few hours after this conversation, the dog pissed all over the floor and I screamed so loudly that now my throat hurts. FML

I agree, your life sucks 343

You deserved it 2 087

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Keywords

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Today my boyfriend left his camera with me. I wanted to see the recent photos we took at the park next to my house. I scrolled through and found pictures of him and his ex-girlfriend the weekend before at the same park, posing under the same tree we had taken a photo. We've been together for a year. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 075

You deserved it 136

Today, my 5 week old puppy decided to sleep between my head and the headboard of my bed. I sneezed and my puppy got so scared it caused him to pee on me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 564

You deserved it 8 597

Today, as I was finalizing my divorce with my soon to be ex-wife, she thought it would be a good idea to bring our two children to the divorce court. Before custody was put in place my ex-wife gave them both a piece of candy and promised them a trip to Disneyland they chose her. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 751

You deserved it 240

Today, my four-year-old son decided to bite my butt during prayer at church. The entire sanctuary heard me instinctively swear at him. FML

I agree, your life sucks 16 738

You deserved it 27 260

Today, I got home and my girlfriend was wearing the ring I bought last week. Apparently she found it and thought to herself, "Fuck it, we’re engaged now so I’ll just start wearing it", completely bypassing the actual proposal part of getting engaged. I’m actually really mad at her right now. FML

I agree, your life sucks 578

You deserved it 129

Today, I found out the hard way that other people can see your replies on Threads. I’m now sleeping on the couch and my girlfriend gave me 10 days to find another place to live. FML

I agree, your life sucks 48

You deserved it 929