Animals

Hey guys, OP here. Posted this before I made a username. I didn't actually place her on my shoulder, I was sitting on the couch letting her run around next to me and she decided to climb up my chest and onto my shoulder. Suddenly I heard this weird crunching sound next to my head and I picked her up and saw the clump of hair hanging out of her mouth! Then it was like playing tug-of-war with a dog. She would NOT let go. I didn't think I'd have to pull as hard as I did just to pull something out of a guinea pig's mouth lol! I didn't want her getting sick so I put her back in her cage and threw the hair in the garbage.

By Clumsyblonde22 - 04/06/2011 11:22 - United States

Today, my aunt gave my cat aspirin because when she touched his nose he had a 'fever'. I came home to a dead cat. FML

I agree, your life sucks 61 254

You deserved it 4 171

By incendiaaa - 24/02/2013 11:17 - Australia

Today, my parents told me that I'm no longer allowed to come home from boarding school on weekends because it will confuse my cats and disrupt their lives. FML

I agree, your life sucks 46 253

You deserved it 3 041

Help!

By Anonymous - 19/03/2025 03:00 - United States

Today, I went about pet-proofing my house because my new kitten is exploring every nook and cranny. I locked up everything dangerous. Then, while trying to put a safety lock on the pantry/cold room, I managed to lock myself inside. I had to yell for my roommate to let me out. FML

I agree, your life sucks 196

You deserved it 386

By Whyis Dremora - 30/09/2018 22:00 - United States - San Marcos

Today, I was abruptly woken by a scratching at my butthole that felt like a spider with a million legs. I've never leapt out of bed so fast. When my partner shined a light on the bed, we discovered it was a cockroach. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 871

You deserved it 302

By parkertownparadise - 16/02/2012 07:43 - United States

Today, after applying for a job at the local pet store, I picked up a ferret. It began licking my cheek, causing me to turn my head. It then latched onto my ear and hung like a giant furry hoop earring. I screamed, then quietly left the building. FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 207

You deserved it 4 790

By Anonymous - 19/07/2017 13:00 - United States - Coplay

Today, my school brought in therapy dogs to help with stress. I was attacked by one of them. FML

I agree, your life sucks 5 712

You deserved it 515

Poor doggo

By Anonymous - 05/02/2023 02:00

Today, my boyfriend and I saw someone dump a dog in our neighborhood before driving off. We spent an hour trying to get the dog out of the cold, but couldn't catch it. Temperatures go down to the 30s in 3 days. Hopefully we can catch it by then. FML

I agree, your life sucks 819

You deserved it 97

I want a dog

By Haze - This FML is from back in 2015 but it's good stuff - New Zealand - Wellington

Today, my parents finally fulfilled my childhood dream and got a puppy, after years of me nagging at them. The only downside is that I no longer live at home and he's not mine. FML

I agree, your life sucks 22 831

You deserved it 2 326

Foolproof

By Anonymous - 25/07/2024 16:00 - United Kingdom

Today, I received a package addressed to my husband. I thought it was a surprise gift for me, so I excitedly opened it. It turned out to be a 3-foot tall realistic-looking penguin. Confused, I asked him about it. He sheepishly admitted he'd bought it to scare off the neighbor's cat, who's been using our garden as a litter tray. FML

I agree, your life sucks 96

You deserved it 760

Pissed

By Sally - 24/08/2018 22:00

Today, after cleaning my house, I decided to treat myself with a glass of wine. I poured the wine, set it down, and came back just in time to see my cat push it off the table. I then yelled at her, which scared her so much she pissed on the carpet. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 643

You deserved it 878

Unwelcome guest

By cpguru24 - 20/03/2025 22:00 - United States - Bellows Falls

Today, my mom's dog bit my dad's girlfriend in the face. At my wedding. We did not know she was bringing her dog. FML

I agree, your life sucks 477

You deserved it 67

Alexa, play "Dream baby Dream" by Suicide

By Anonymous - 25/03/2021 23:01 - Australia

Today, I awoke from a bizarre dream where I, a man, was pregnant. If that wasn’t weird enough, when I gave birth, it was a pug puppy. FML

I agree, your life sucks 859

You deserved it 145

Puppy love

By Anonymous - 12/12/2023 20:00 - United Kingdom

Today, my mom is pissed and grounded me when I didn’t show girlish, squealing enthusiasm when she went out and came home with a dog; a big dog. I hate dogs, there is no creature I despise more than dogs. I prefer spiders to dogs, and she knows this. FML

I agree, your life sucks 614

You deserved it 366

By Anonymous - 20/11/2014 15:23 - United States - Tracy

Today, it took a whole half hour of scratching my head before I realized with horror that the weird tickling sensation I'd been feeling was actually a spider crawling around in my hair. FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 036

You deserved it 3 221

Modern concepts

By Anonymous - 25/10/2022 00:00 - United States - Menomonie

Today, my college roommate is a Studio Art major. For a project, she brought home a pig's intestine to keep in our tiny dorm room freezer. FML

I agree, your life sucks 828

You deserved it 107

By yuck - 08/12/2018 17:30 - Australia - Melbourne

Today, I was out riding and a seagull pissed on me. It got in my mouth. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 655

You deserved it 248

Tasty

By Mighty Mouse - This FML is from back in 2017 but it's good stuff

Today, I found out the coffee mug my housemate uses to thaw dead mice for his snake is the same mug I use for my morning coffee. FML

I agree, your life sucks 5 427

You deserved it 511

FML on Facebook

Keywords

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The Top

Today, I caught my boyfriend secretly using my hair straightener while I was in the other room. Too embarrassed to talk to him about it, I left and came back later, only to discover him slipping on a pair of my panties. FML

I agree, your life sucks 51 938

You deserved it 8 218

Today, my husband just told me that he no longer loves me but keeps me around to handle his finances. FML

I agree, your life sucks 41 191

You deserved it 3 760

Today, I released some ducks I had hand raised with my sisters at a local lake. They were raised around my huge German Shepherd, which explains why they didn't freak out when two huge dogs came out of no where and killed three of them, in front of my little sisters. FML

I agree, your life sucks 58 827

You deserved it 7 488

Today, I realized how sex-deprived I am when the thought of owning condoms gave me a rock-solid erection. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 597

You deserved it 642

Today, my husband walked in on me while I was masturbating and watching porn (yes women do it too). Now he thinks I’m unsatisfied with him or our sex life. All I wanted was a quick release. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 972

You deserved it 551

Today, I thought the cashier said the new blouse I picked out was ugly as she was ringing me up. I'm really self-conscious about my fashion sense, so I snapped and started yelling at her. It wasn't until she was close to tears did I find out she said "lovely" not "ugly". So, that's another store I can't go back to. FML

I agree, your life sucks 191

You deserved it 3 036