Today, I was woken up by my wife softly kissing me on the lips. Half asleep, I kissed her back, before quickly opening my eyes and realising it wasn't my wife; it was my dog. FML
Today, my dog apparently vomited straight down a heating vent while I was out. The stench was so bad that when I got home and the smell hit me, I threw up too. Looks like I'll be spending a few days with my mother as the house airs out. FML
Today, I ran over a recently-killed skunk in the road. My truck now smells absolutely rancid, and the smell will probably last for months. At least it goes well with my dog, who was also skunked 6 weeks ago. FML
Today, I tried on the new dress I bought for myself. I, for once, thought I looked pretty all right. I asked my dog, "How do I look?" and she threw up on my pillow. My brother can't stop laughing. FML
Today, I could no longer handle the drum music in the apartment below me so I went to kindly ask the little old lady to shut it off before she goes to bed. Her neighbor came out while I knocked to tell me she is out of town and the music is constant so her cats don't get lonely. FML
anew27 tells us more.
anew27 5
OP here, if it was Ted Nugent I was partaking of, I would kindly ask her to turn it up.
Today, I found my intoxicated step-father in our back yard trying to domesticate a stray opossum, attempting to give it steak and malt liquor. FML
Today, I had to bury my horse again because coyotes keep digging it up. FML
Today, I came home to carpenter ants coming out from under my baseboards. I went out and bought bait traps and now there are flying ants coming out of the woodwork. If I try to sleep, they crawl on me. FML
Today, I went into my kitchen after placing a line of salt across the floor in front of the back door the night before to ward off slugs that keep getting in, only to find 12 idiotic slugs dead and shrivelled up, leaving a horrible gooey mess. I don't know why I expected any intelligence from them. FML
Today, I put out a fire. Sadly, it was on my doorstep because someone had lit a bag of dog poop. FML
Today, my girlfriend's cat adores me. I can't sit down without her jumping on my lap and purring. The cat is also overweight, with very sharp claws, and likes to knead on my legs. My legs look like I lost a fight with a thorn bush. FML
Today, during an online class, I forgot to mute myself while trying to get my dog to poop. The whole class, including my professor, heard me sing “Push It” by Salt-N-Pepa to motivate her. They all had many questions when I came back on camera. FML
Today, I came home to find a window broken and my neighbours searching inside my house. Apparently, they'd heard a small child asking for help inside my house. I recently taught my dog to "talk." FML
Today, my daughter's guinea pig got stuck behind the wardrobe, squeaking its head off. I tried pulling the wardrobe towards me to free him, but couldn't take the weight of it all, so it fell over, smashing the TV. The guinea pig is fine. FML
Today, I opened my car door on reaching destination and my dog escaped. I never found him. My destination was the vet's office to get him micro-chipped. FML
Today, my mother texted me while I was at work asking me to pick up a door-stopper on my way home. When I asked her why she explained that she and my dad were trying to make love but the dog kept pushing the door open. What an image. FML
Today, my dog managed to pull a one-pound package of raw bacon out and eat the entire package including the cardboard. The vets cheered when they finally got him to puke up the entire, unchewed package of bacon. FML
Kovu_fml tells us more.
Kovu_fml 16
He wasn't in pain. He inhales everything he eats. He as thyroid issues so hes not allowed to eat alot so poor baby is always trying to steal food. :(
Today, I went to the beach. My friend decided it would be funny to push me into a bunch of Portuguese Man-O-War jellyfish washed up on the shore. Did you know their tentacles can sting even if they’re dead? FML
Today, I made my niece cry when I told her that snakes are just tails with faces. She won't stop. FML
Today, my parents told me they wouldn't be able to afford my senior portraits. That was fine with me, until I found some expensive professional photos in the mail. Of our dog. FML
Today, my partner is still pouting because I refused to adopt a “special needs” dog. Never mind that we don’t have the training, experience, equipment, nor financial means to care for an animal with such extensive medical needs, oh no, he just wanted it because it "looked sad.” FML
Today, my dog ran away. It was dark, so I couldn't see very well, but I ran after him anyway. Thinking I had caught up to him, I grabbed him. It wasn't my dog. It was a skunk. FML
Today, it's been a week since my brother asked me to watch his dog while he's on a business trip. I let his dog out to do his business, and he ran right in front of a pickup. The driver didn't stop in time, and crushed the dog's head. I went to check on him. He's dead, and I will be too when my brother gets back. FML
Today, after a few weeks of my dad setting up glue traps in the garage to trap mice, I found out what it's like to have a pigeon wander in and get its foot stuck on one. FML
Axelerate tells us more.
Axelerate 23
Hey all. I'll fill you in so you guys can sleep peacefully at night. My brother came home from lunch and was in a rush to head out back. His remote for the garage door wasn't working so he left it open. That's when the pigeon walked in. He called me to let me know and to close the door. I stepped out and I heard what sounded like a bird flapping like crazy. I checked around and I saw the bird's foot stuck on the trap. I had no idea these traps were set (they were under the space of the shelves we have all around) but I fit the pieces together seeing how we had mice problems a while back. I put on some gardening gloves to hold it while soaking the foot with warm water. He moved a little bit more to the point his bottom half body THEN got stuck. I ended up calling the vet and explaining the situation to them to see what they could do or anything else I could do. After the awkward silence, they told me I could bring it in for them to sedate and see what they could do themselves. If nothing worked then they would have to euthanize it. Feeling bad for the little guy I was getting ready to drive there when I remembered we had Goo Gone. I poured a lot on the trap and he managed to get off! He just walked out the garage door and I assume he flew away. I didn't follow it but haven't seen handicapped bird around here haha. Birds like to bathe and it's been cloudy and rainy here in Vegas so I'm hoping he managed to rinse everything off. :)
Today, I was riding my newly trained horse. I've recently been suffering from bad gas, and ended up farting so violently, it spooked my horse into bucking me off and running away. FML
Today, my dog pooped. In my lap. While I was driving. FML
Today, I saw a grasshopper in the urinal so I decided to pee on it. It jumped out, scared the hell out of me, and I peed all over myself. FML
Today, I came to visit a friend I haven't seen in 3 years for a fun 2 month vacation of you know what. She has 2 more dogs now and soon as I stepped in her place after flying across the country, there were 2 piles if dog crap on the ground. I already want to fly out of here, and this is only day one. FML
Today, with my name sounding vaguely like 'Turkey' and being in the phonebook for business purposes, people keep calling, offering to stuff me for Thanksgiving. FML
Today, I had to explain to my husband that it's biologically impossible for cats and dogs to cross-breed, and that his "brilliant idea" of getting ours to mate is just plain disturbing. He still doesn't believe me. FML
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