Animals

Paintwork

By MY CAR - 15/11/2011 04:51 - United States

Today, an asshat in a Foghorn Leghorn t-shirt let his piece-of-crap mongrel dog do some sort of rain dance on the roof of my car, scratching the paintwork. He was a huge guy, so my backbone left town and I just smiled as if it was cute. FML

I agree, your life sucks 24 925

You deserved it 11 160

Autumn blues

By AutumnWitch - 13/09/2024 00:00 - United States

Today, I had to put my cat down. I raised her from a kitten and called her "my little Pumpkin Seed." Unfortunately, we are entering Fall and thus the very beginning of the pumpkin spice/pumpkin decorating season. Everywhere I look I'm reminded of her. I used to love Fall. FML

I agree, your life sucks 468

You deserved it 115

Spoilsport

By Don't you have better things to do? - 05/06/2025 22:00 - Japan - Tokyo

Today, I caught my boyfriend making my cat dance to Cotton Eye Joe. FML

I agree, your life sucks 114

You deserved it 360

By dogbreederssuck - 03/02/2015 15:26 - United Kingdom - Ormskirk

Today, at work, I had to tell a woman that there is no such thing as a "pedigree Beahuahuadoodle", and that she'd essentially paid $500 for a mutt. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 536

You deserved it 2 882

Good boy

By Lua - 28/06/2016 17:09 - France - Laon

Today, my friends renamed my dog, “Dog Vader.“ Yes, my dog has asthma. FML

I agree, your life sucks 10 395

You deserved it 939

Chatty cat

By Anonymous - 15/12/2014 16:07 - Australia

Today, my cat let out the biggest moan I have ever heard, while we were both in the living room. My dad heard and accused me of watching porn. FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 543

You deserved it 3 239

I can't see for miles and miles and miles

By Anonymous - 03/11/2021 05:00

Today, having my hands full with dog leashes, I hooked a lamp to my jacket to find my way in the dark. The first time I bent over, it fell, burst open and spilled its batteries, so I had to go back and get another flashlight, whose batteries promptly started to fade once I was trying to reassemble the first one. FML

I agree, your life sucks 747

You deserved it 174

Law and order

By Karen - 15/08/2025 03:00

Today, I was walking my dog when he decided to poop in the middle of a crosswalk during heavy traffic. We have very strict laws (and fines) so I frantically tried to pick it up while cars waited, honking and watching me struggle like I was in the worst street performance ever. FML

I agree, your life sucks 449

You deserved it 105

Home sweet home

By Anon - 30/04/2014 02:07 - United States - Maidens

Today, after getting home from finals and finishing the semester, I had a very heartfelt reunion with my dog during which he licked me all over the face. About an hour later, my dad told me, "By the way, don't let him lick you, he has hookworms." FML

I agree, your life sucks 46 924

You deserved it 5 048

Freak out

By Lee - 05/07/2021 22:01 - United States

Today, my cat had a long dingleberry hanging off his butt. He decided the best way to get rid of it was to freak out and run around the house, shaking shit everywhere. To make it worse, he then licked his still shit covered butt, made a face and promptly threw up. Guess my cat isn’t the brightest. FML

I agree, your life sucks 853

You deserved it 184

Not. Helping.

By It's-only15-lbs-extra - 14/12/2017 15:00

Today, because of my full-time job, full-time courses, studying for the GRE, anxiety disorder, insomnia, and a recent pet death, I'm on the verge of a breakdown. My mother texted, "Looking through old photos, you were so skinny, what happened?" FML

I agree, your life sucks 5 476

You deserved it 463

By TCRII - 12/10/2017 04:30 - United States - Springfield

Today, my wife and I agreed to get two horses. She got three horses and a pregnant goat. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 428

You deserved it 658

By FootInMyMouth - 13/02/2016 22:56 - United States - Miami

Today, a customer brought his cat in to be euthanized. I told him to "have a nice day" as he was leaving. FML

I agree, your life sucks 19 586

You deserved it 4 423

By Anonymous - 25/05/2016 17:39 - United States - Dearborn

Today, as always, I'd be so incredibly happy if my girlfriend loved me even half as much as she loves her cat. FML

I agree, your life sucks 12 145

You deserved it 1 894

By Anonymous - 26/06/2013 17:51 - United States - State College

Today, I was going to set up my air conditioner in the window. As I opened up the window, I must have disturbed a wasp nest, because a dozen wasps flew in and several of them stung me. The rest are now somewhere in my house with my terrified girlfriend. FML

I agree, your life sucks 45 944

You deserved it 4 106

Meow!

By patronuscat? - 05/10/2017 01:30

Today, I woke up in a guy's bed to one of his cats licking my nipples. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 650

You deserved it 1 069

Haunted dog

By Boo! - 31/10/2024 22:00 - Canada - Montréal

Today, I dressed up as a ghost and walked down the street to meet my friends. A dog somehow got loose and decided my "flowy" costume was the perfect chew toy. I spent the evening dodging an overly enthusiastic dog and getting barked at. FML

I agree, your life sucks 396

You deserved it 105

Built to last

By Anonymous - 15/11/2021 11:00

Today, my boyfriend broke up with me only two weeks after he moved into my place, because his massive German shepherd keeps running scared from my cat. Apparently, I ruined his dog by letting my cat be dominant to him, and it’s all my fault his dog is a wuss. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 143

You deserved it 163

By creedonfied - 06/11/2012 20:27 - United States - Billerica

Today, I was playing with my cat. I tried to put him on my stomach, but he refused to stay put. Ever since I lost weight, he won't lay with me or purr. I think my fat was the only thing he liked about me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 334

You deserved it 3 000

Thanks, Walt

By Anonymous - 01/08/2024 00:00 - United Kingdom - Kirkcaldy

Today, it turned out that letting my daughter watch '101 Dalmatians' backfired; our dog gave birth to two gorgeous pups but she can't stop crying and asking where 'the rest of them' went. Apparently she's been telling her friends all week that she'd soon have 15 puppies to play with, and now will never be happy again. FML

I agree, your life sucks 436

You deserved it 153

Soggy mess

By Anonymous - 30/08/2024 09:00 - United States

Today, I managed to wash my phone with my laundry. I didn’t realize it was in my jeans until I heard a thudding noise. After rescuing it from the depths of soggy clothes, I tried the rice trick to dry it out. A few hours later, my cat thought it was a new litter tray and promptly pissed in the rice, then spread it all over the counter. FML

I agree, your life sucks 410

You deserved it 238

By Tali - 28/07/2011 06:18 - Australia

Today, my husband threw out all of the spices in the cupboard. When I asked him why he said, "Our cat was named Spicy and I can't stand to look at them." Our recently deceased cat's name was Dicey. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 721

You deserved it 3 353

Up and down

By NightmareCentral - 19/10/2022 16:00 - United States - Little Rock

Today, I felt euphoric joy upon finding my deceased cat alive! Then utter devastation: she was suffering and needed putting down. Then joy! She recovered! Then crippling loss when it didn't last. This vivid emotional nightmare continued over and over until I woke up sobbing. My Fitbit says it was my best sleep in a year. FML

I agree, your life sucks 936

You deserved it 163

Clever boy

By Anonymous - 28/01/2023 02:30

Today, I found out my dog can open the fridge. Now I have no food left. FML

I agree, your life sucks 713

You deserved it 154

By emmaavk88 - 17/03/2014 12:15 - United Arab Emirates

Today, I had an elaborate fantasy of what I would do if I became a cat and how I would make my way to my crush's house to be their cat. FML

I agree, your life sucks 39 580

You deserved it 9 755

emmaavk88 tells us more.

emmaavk88 18

Monday 17 March 2014 18:59

If that was true, double F my life! Luckily he isn't, I made sure of that -OP

Mistaken identity

By thedogwalker - 09/08/2020 08:02

Today, I was out walking my dog, when a lady called out to me asking, “Is that a boy or a girl?” Assuming she meant the dog, I told her that he was a boy. When I turned away, I heard her say to her kid, “I was talking about the person walking the dog, but whatever,” then audibly laughing. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 518

You deserved it 220

Spice

By MouserMan - This FML is from back in 2014 but it's good stuff - Canada - Olds

Today, after emptying the dishwasher, I noticed something in the back by the drain. It looked like a turkey bone. Upon closer inspection, it was a mouse carcass. I have no idea how many loads of dishes have gone through with it in there. FML

I agree, your life sucks 38 595

You deserved it 4 404

Tough break

By Anonymous - 27/06/2026 12:00 - United Kingdom - Woking

Today, my bouncy, friendly, loving, energetic dog was diagnosed with a spinal condition. Now, if she runs, jumps, or plays she’ll cripple herself. Bonus: she has no idea anything’s wrong, and just stares out a window wondering why her beloved human has suddenly banned her from doing every single thing she loves. FML

I agree, your life sucks 490

You deserved it 47

By caseyj - 25/03/2011 05:50 - United States

Today, I went to a birthday party. A half hour in, a girl started showing me pictures of her cat. That was the high point of the night. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 167

You deserved it 4 774

By Anonymous - 14/05/2014 20:43 - United States - Irmo

Today, I'm moving. While packing, I realized I hadn't seen my cat in a few hours. I called her and realized she was inside one of the hundreds of boxes in my house. I accidentally packed my cat. FML

I agree, your life sucks 46 351

You deserved it 17 401

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The Top

Today, I had to eat my breakfast in terrified silence, as my hungover mother staggered into the room, shouted at the kettle for not boiling fast enough, and after a few seconds, screamed that I'd sabotaged it. I'm now grounded for supposedly trying to fuck with her head. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 976

You deserved it 1 692

Today, in a queue to the ATM, a hot girl was standing in front of me. The girl's boyfriend grabbed her ass. She turned around and slapped me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 437

You deserved it 2 545

Today, I was home alone and it started to rain. It hadn't rained in days so I went out on my balcony and ran around. I felt great until I realized that my door had been swung shut because of the wind, and it had no handle. I had to wait outside in the rain for two hours. FML

I agree, your life sucks 12 057

You deserved it 28 000

Today, I was visiting my boyfriend, who lives 2 hours away. After about twenty minutes of glorious sex, he told me in no uncertain terms that he was about to come. He then "baaa"d like a sheep as he came. I couldn't come after that. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 953

You deserved it 4 455

Today, at our kid's extracurricular, my ex, with whom I have been fighting for our child for ten years, casually admitted that his preferred murder weapon is an axe. This is surprisingly in character. FML

I agree, your life sucks 779

You deserved it 167

Today, I made the mistake of watching The Daily Show clip where Jon Stewart talks about losing his dog, and it made me think of my dog I lost. Then, right on cue, the song "Every Breath You Take" came on. Now I'm waiting for my doctor's office to open and sobbing in the car, with people staring at me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 391

You deserved it 224