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cottage cheese-cunt · 21 October 2021, 08:01 🌶️ Spicy

Be careful what you wish for

Today, I’d been bi-curious for years but always much too shy to seek out a woman to attempt intimacy. Well, I finally hooked up with a girl I’ve had a crush on for a while. Not only was it an amazing, mind-blowing experience, she also left me with a crotch-searing yeast infection from hell. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 050 You deserved it 551

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Anonymous · 21 October 2021, 11:00

There goes the neighborhood…

Today, my drunk neighbor couldn’t get into his apartment and thought it would be a good idea to poop in our yard. He left a pile of diarrhea under our window, and poop-stained napkins all over the lawn. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 050 You deserved it 71

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Sirsriracha · 21 October 2021, 14:01

Can't let the big man upstairs wait

Today, I posted bail for my mom from jail. She did a hit and run, and then resisted arrest. When I asked why she didn’t stay at the scene, she unapologetically said, “I was gonna be late to church.” FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 025 You deserved it 125

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Anonymous · This FML is from back in 2016 but it's good stuff ·Victoria, Canada 🌶️ Spicy

No kinkshaming, but come on…

Today, I accidentally forwarded a link to a weird fart porn video to my chat group. They've been silent for 30 minutes now. FML

I agree, your life sucks 16 834 You deserved it 14 487

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crisedelapoulefolle · This FML is from back in 2014 but it's good stuff ·France

Bon appétit !

Aujourd'hui, sur la terrasse d'un restaurant à la propreté déjà douteuse, une poule est passée avec une souris morte dans le bec. VDM

I agree, your life sucks 97 220 You deserved it 9 027

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Anonyme · 21 October 2021, 12:00

Un mâle Sigma

Aujourd'hui, pendant que je me lave les mains dans les toilettes mixtes de mon travail, un homme entre. Je lui dis bonjour en souriant. Il ne dit rien, ouvre la porte des toilettes pour handicapé, crache un énorme molard sur le carrelage, puis me fixe quelques secondes avant de repartir comme si de rien n'était. VDM

I agree, your life sucks 3 486 You deserved it 262

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Anonyme · 21 October 2021, 14:00

EA sports, isinnagame

Aujourd'hui, j'accepte de prêter mon jeu vidéo à mon fils de 5 ans et demi. Au bout de trente minutes, il a remporté deux trophées, des courses, et trouvé des trésors que je n'avais jamais débusqués. C'est la deuxième fois qu'il y joue alors que j'y joue depuis trois mois. VDM

I agree, your life sucks 3 109 You deserved it 895

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Anonyme · 21 October 2021, 16:00

Un beau jour…

Aujourd'hui, travaillant en centre de faune sauvage, on reçoit l'appel d'une dame paniquée par "l'aigle" dans son jardin qui "menace ses chats." Etant en Belgique, on se déplace avec l'idée de trouver une buse, mais je ne sais qui de nous ou du gros pigeon a été le plus surpris à notre arrivée. VDM

I agree, your life sucks 3 329 You deserved it 268

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Juliette · 21 October 2021, 18:00

Classique

Aujourd'hui, sur la route, j'ai eu un contrôle de routine de la gendarmerie. Je n'ai rien à me reprocher, je n'ai commis aucune infraction et je suis en règle. Quand j'ai pu redémarrer, j'ai eu tellement peur de mal faire que je suis repartie en marche arrière. VDM

I agree, your life sucks 3 132 You deserved it 401

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IAmJacksDeflatedHappiness · 19 October 2021, 23:00

My kingdom for a lock

Today, I asked my family not to disturb me while I slept, as I had hit over 72 hours of insomnia. My family must have heard me say, “Come in every 20 minutes and wake me up with whatever banal shit you can think of.” I gave up when my mother-in-law decided to enter my room and start vacuuming the floor. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 461 You deserved it 121

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Anonymous · 20 October 2021, 02:00

But mah grandbabiiiiiiiiez

Today, my mother found out that my fiancée broke up with her last boyfriend because she didn't want kids and he did. She's now demanding that I either change her mind, or call things off with her. FML

I agree, your life sucks 949 You deserved it 127

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Fuck you, Yolanda! · 20 October 2021, 05:00

Renegade neighbor

Today, I have an egregious delinquent neighbor. She is always using internet and electrical services illegally, but is always getting packages from Amazon. Her packages are always left at my place, as she is so afraid of tax collectors, she won't open the door. She gave my billing address without my consent. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 288 You deserved it 140

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Dan · 20 October 2021, 08:01 ·United States 🌶️ Spicy

Just say no

Today, my boyfriend came out as a polyamorous, and then immediately asked me if he could date another guy I thought was my friend. I’m such a pushover, I said yes. FML

I agree, your life sucks 443 You deserved it 1 468

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Vladislav · 20 October 2021, 11:00

Spooky Season

Today, my best friend and I watched the "OK Google" horror short film. It's about a ghost that controls a Google Home device. Right after the short ended, my Google Nest Mini came off the wall and stopped reacting. Neither of us was near it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 780 You deserved it 174

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Anonymous · 20 October 2021, 14:00 ·Eau Claire, United States

Branded

Today, I was talking to a friend on the phone, asking him pick me up for a cookout while his kids were yelling in the background, asking where my friend, their dad, was going. He jokingly answered them, "To pick up my ugly friend." They quickly replied with my name, out of the dozens of friends he hangs out more with. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 006 You deserved it 140

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dotcomboy · This FML is from back in 2009 but it's good stuff ·United States

Awks…

Today, my boss asked me to call his new phone to make sure it's working. When his phone didn't ring, he looked at my phone to confirm I called him. My boss then saw that I'd entered him into my phonebook as "Douchebag." FML

I agree, your life sucks 13 210 You deserved it 80 192

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Anonymous · 20 October 2021, 17:00 ·Levittown, United States

Alexa, play "I Get Around" by The Beach Boys

Today, I went to the local street fair and ran into my boyfriend of five years. He was with his girlfriend of ten years. We both had no idea about each other. His family knew we both existed, and never said a word. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 650 You deserved it 144

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E.. · 20 October 2021, 20:00 🌶️ Spicy

Private

Today, for the first time I had to lie to the man I intend to marry, because I had a very intense and hot dream about Leslie Nielsen. FML

I agree, your life sucks 892 You deserved it 311

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ProjectDude · 20 October 2021, 23:00 ·United States

Lazybones

Today, a group project for work was due. I honestly forgot about it and edited some words to make it seem like I worked on it. Did you know that Google Docs spreadsheet can track not only the changes made, but who made the changes? My colleagues were pissed. FML

I agree, your life sucks 178 You deserved it 2 294

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Anonymous · 21 October 2021, 02:00

That autumn smell

Today, my cat vomited down my heater vent. It went very far down. I'm not even sure if I got all of it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 883 You deserved it 143

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Anonymous · 21 October 2021, 05:00 ·Nelson, New Zealand

Go to drunk, you're sleep

Today, I got a call from my boyfriend, who was half asleep at 3 am, saying he was yelling my name because he needed toilet paper. We don’t even live together. FML

I agree, your life sucks 834 You deserved it 124

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Chop Suey · 19 October 2021, 14:00

Oh, le relou !

Aujourd'hui, mon collègue, fou amoureux de moi, s'est permis de contacter mon copain pour lui dire que notre façon de vivre et de s'aimer à distance comme nous le faisons depuis des années n'est pas la "bonne conception" d'un couple, et que s'il m'aimait vraiment il devait me quitter. Sympa, non ? VDM

I agree, your life sucks 3 710 You deserved it 350

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Anonyme · 19 October 2021, 16:00

Caprice des Dieux

Aujourd'hui, mon fils a fait un énorme caprice car il voulait que je fasse en sorte qu'il fasse nuit. Il était 15h et il croit que le soleil marche comme un interrupteur. VDM

I agree, your life sucks 2 973 You deserved it 420

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Anonyme · 19 October 2021, 18:00

Injustice

Aujourd'hui, et depuis 2 ans, mon chef me demande de refaire le travail de mon collègue - soit parce qu'il le rend pas, soit qu'il fait n'importe quoi. Devinez qui a été augmenté et qui n'a rien eu ? Indice : il est fonctionnaire et je suis contractuel. VDM

I agree, your life sucks 3 756 You deserved it 389

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Anonyme · 19 October 2021, 20:00 ·Villeneuve-saint-georges, France

Joyeux rien

Aujourd'hui, ma copine a invité un de ses amis dont c'est l'anniversaire. J'ai chanté "Joyeux anniversaire", j'ai regardé l'ami souffler ses bougies, et ouvrir ses cadeaux. Ma copine l'a oublié, mais aujourd'hui c'était aussi mon anniversaire. VDM

I agree, your life sucks 4 898 You deserved it 394

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Anonyme · 19 October 2021, 22:22 🌶️ Spicy

Une perle

Aujourd'hui, mon compagnon me fait faire trois heures de trajet pour venir chez lui. Ensuite, il me laisse faire la vaisselle, la lessive, les courses et le ménage. Quand, fatiguée, je vais me coucher, il me réveille une heure plus tard pour faire l’amour. VDM

I agree, your life sucks 4 689 You deserved it 2 016

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Floaya · 20 October 2021, 06:30

Speed-toi de t'arrêter

Aujourd'hui, départ en vacances avec la caravane. Très vite sur l'autoroute, beaucoup de voitures nous klaxonnent et font des appels de phares. Puis une voiture nous double avec une feuille plaquée contre la vitre. Dans le film Speed c'est écrit "BOMBE DANS LE BUS", là c'était écrit "PORTE CARAVANE OUVERTE." VDM

I agree, your life sucks 3 001 You deserved it 770

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Raphaëlle · 20 October 2021, 07:30

Apprentissage rapide

Aujourd'hui, j'ai fait une balade avec mon fils, fraîchement entré en CP. Au détour d'un chemin, un bâtiment abandonné avec de jolis graffs que l'on visite. Pendant que j'admire l'un d'eux, j'entends mon fils déchiffrer son premier mot écrit sur un mur dans mon dos : "SSSSAAAAA LLLLOOOOO PPPPPPE." VDM

I agree, your life sucks 3 221 You deserved it 465

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Anonyme · 20 October 2021, 09:30

La flemme

Aujourd'hui, mon compagnon, qui s'était proposé de se lever pour accueillir un livreur qui vient à 8h, vu que je travaille tous les jours jusqu'à tard le soir, a éteint le réveil à 7h45 et s'est retourné en disant : "J'ai sommeil" et s'est rendormi. Bon, ben je me lève. VDM

I agree, your life sucks 3 478 You deserved it 450

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Anonyme · 20 October 2021, 12:00 ·France

C'est moche

Aujourd'hui, commercial dans une nouvelle entreprise, deux collègues discutent à côté de moi. Une d'elle se plaint qu'il n'y a pas assez d'hommes dans l'entreprise. La seconde ajoute : "Si au moins, il y'en avait un de beau…" en me regardant. VDM

I agree, your life sucks 3 208 You deserved it 324

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