Today, my wife, who has a drinking problem, looked me straight in the eye as she poured herself a "water" bottle to enjoy while at work. FML
Today, my fiancée's life ambition is to become a "couch slug" so she presented me with a brilliant plan: She wants to go on medical leave from work and apply for disability payments. She's perfectly capable, just extremely lazy. FML
Today, I fell asleep in class. One minute I'm listening to a lecture; twenty-five minutes later, I'm waking up screaming in agony in front of everyone after biting my tongue in my sleep. FML
Today, my therapist asked me if I’d been journaling as he suggested. I had to tell him that I don’t trust writing down my innermost thoughts anymore, because when I was younger my mom read by diary multiple times and beat me for what I wrote. So did my ex-boyfriend. FML
Today, I was supposed to wash my wife's underwear, then go to work and interview a new educator at 10.30am. I ended up smoking weed, getting stoned, and sitting in my car at 11.00am at a McDonald's. I'm now sitting at my desk and still high as fuck. FML
Today, I found one of those realistic, expensive sex dolls in my boyfriend's cupboard. I asked why on earth he had that and apparently it’s for all those filthy, violent sexual things he likes to do, but knows most women would never even agree to try. Um, WHAT? FML
Today, my brother-in-law brought his new girlfriend over to meet the family. Things went south real quick after she went on a tirade about what terrible parents my wife and I are for letting our kids keep all their Harry Potter memorabilia. Now he’s mad I threw her out. FML
Today, my lovely ex-mother-in-law died and now my ex has stopped talking to me. I found out through a mutual friend that we only had an amicable divorce in case his mother had left me money in her will, but now he’s got all her money, he didn’t even take time to invite me to the funeral. FML
Today, I came home from class to find a nasty note on my roommate's toaster oven. Apparently, cleaning it once a week isn't enough, and she wants it cleaned right after using it, which she never told me all school year. I'm banned from using it. FML
Today, I found out that my cat has been secretly stealing my socks and hiding them under the couch, when I found a pile of 15 socks after I finally moved my furniture to vacuum the floor underneath. FML
Today, my longtime partner had a mental breakdown and broke into my home. After forcefully having to get him out of my house and dealing with Police all morning, my 16-year-old daughter decided to tell me that she's pregnant. She thought one hour after a break in was the right time to tell me. FML
Today, I finally started a DIY home improvement project I'd been putting off for a while now. As I was drilling into the wall, I managed to hit a plumbing pipe that I didn't know was there and started flooded my living room. FML
Today, my husband announced the reason he had been working since much is because he had secretly paid off my tens of thousands of student loans. I then had to tell him I'm leaving him for his best friend. FML
Today, while waiting for the bus, I googled walking directions to my destination, in case I had already missed the bus. I was so absorbed in my search that I missed the bus. FML
Today, my dear wife, an expert seamstress, took apart one shoulder of my favourite vest, looping the whole shirt through itself like a figure of eight, then stitched it back up. It took me over a full minute to realise why I suddenly couldn’t fold it flat, and she recorded me failing at it. FML
Today, I was running late for a meeting and wound up getting stuck in traffic, which started to stress me out to the point of road rage at no one in particular. When I finally arrived, the meeting had been cancelled. FML
Today, I went on a hike. About two miles into the five mile trail, my stomach started to bubble and I realized there were no bathrooms nearby. My only options were to literally shit my pants or shit in a bush. Well, I shit in the bush and had no tissue to wipe. I hate having stomach issues. FML
Today, during a date with my girlfriend, I found out you can hiccup hard enough to convince someone that you're having a seizure. FML
Today, I tried to surprise my girlfriend by cooking dinner. As I was chopping onions, I cut my finger and started bleeding everywhere. She walked in, saw the blood on the onions, and almost passed out. FML
Today, I was offered an incredible career opportunity in Australia, so I’d have to emigrate. It has an unbelievable pay rise too, but my husband has so many phobias of spiders, snakes, and so on, that he’s threatening to divorce me if I go, because he isn’t setting foot in Australia even to visit me. FML
Today, I found out that my son has been trying to save enough of his earwax to make a candle. FML
Aujourd'hui, grâce à mon plombier, j'ai compris pourquoi Mario, lui, portait une salopette. C'est pour qu'on ne voie pas la raie de ses fesses quand il se penche. VDM
Aujourd'hui, départ en haute montagne pour trois jours avec trois copains. Ça fait 6h qu’on est partis, il nous manque déjà l’eau, le réchaud, un manteau, les cartes, et les raquettes. Plus que deux jours. VDM
Aujourd'hui, j'apprends le décès de ma grand-mère. Abbatue, j'espère que la soirée prévue pour mon anniversaire une semaine après pourra me remonter le moral. Soirée annulée, enterrement le jour de mes 21 ans. VDM
Aujourd'hui, je vois ma copine pleurer, alors pour la rassurer je m’approche d’elle en lui disant : "Pourquoi tu pleures ? Je suis là." Elle m'a répondu : "Justement, je pleure parce que t’es là et j’en ai marre." Elle m’a quitté. VDM
Aujourd'hui, je suis en weekend avec une ancienne amie de fac. On s'était retrouvées à Bordeaux, et après un après-midi passé ensemble, chacune rentre à son hôtel. Ce matin, je lui envoie un SMS pour qu'on aille faire une balade. Depuis ce SMS, je n'ai eu aucune nouvelle d'elle. Elle a dû reprendre son train. VDM
Aujourd'hui, et depuis notre rencontre, mon mari prenait une douche directement après chaque jogging. Ceci ne lui semble plus nécessaire, et l'odeur de transpiration nous fait fuir la table du midi. Lui demander de passer le sel est une épreuve, car il arrive gluant. De plus, mon mari est susceptible. VDM
Aujourd'hui, je me rends aux urgences à cause de très fortes douleurs pelviennes. L'infirmière m'envoie consulter le médecin de garde le soir même. Le soir venu, apres consultation, le médecin de garde me renvoie lui-même aux urgences. VDM
Aujourd'hui, petit FaceTime avec un ami. Je pose mon téléphone pour me mettre en pyjama. Ce n'est que quand je le reprends et qu'il ne parle plus, l'air tout gêné, que je me rends compte que de l'angle où j'ai posé mon téléphone on voit le miroir dans lequel se reflétait mon propre reflet. VDM
Aujourd'hui, alors que je promenais mon grand-père en chaise roulante, une jolie fille est passée. Il m'a alors demandé de le retourner pour pouvoir regarder ses fesses. VDM
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