matrixchild

Today, my dad’s best friend, who has been his business associate for the past 28 years, took me to a Star Wars store for my 18th birthday. He put on a Darth Vader helmet, and imitating his voice, said: "I am your father." I laughed. It wasn’t a joke. FML

Today, my girlfriend was giving me a hand job. As I reached my climax, she thought it would be funny to turn my 'weapon' against me. Boom, headshot. FML

Wanking yourself to death

Today, I had an asthma attack because I was masturbating too vigorously. FML

Today, my boyfriend moved. He moved from my room... to my housemate's room. FML