HappyFeet0x

Today, I had drunk sex with a girl that I barely know. I didn't have a condom and was nervous about getting her pregnant, but she assured me that I could pull out. Right when I was about to pull out, she wrapped her legs around me and yelled, "BE MY BABY'S DADDY!" I couldn't get out in time. FML

Today, my boyfriend dumped me. Apparently, my nose hair scares him. FML

Time consumed

Today, my girlfriend thought it would be a good idea to go down on me with chewing gum in her mouth. I spent the next hour and a half getting Orbit out of my pubes. FML

Proof

Today, I accused my son of faking being sick. He then blew chunks all over me. FML

Today, I found a bug under my foreskin. FML