Mr Cat City 37 years-old Single
Today, the person I've been trying so hard to get with wrote me a beautiful poem that almost everyone at my school saw and liked. It was about how we'd never be together. FML
Today, I introduced my girlfriend to my mom. The first thing my mom did was look at her breasts and mention that no matter what happens, hers were the first that I suckled on. FML
Today, my mother kept nagging at me because my 9-month-old daughter only calms down when I play her metal. She demands I use gospel, otherwise she will turn into a "devil-worshipping lunatic like her mother". FML
Today, for the first time in months, a woman started flirting with me. She was wearing a sparkly shirt with "Team Edward" written on it. FML
Today, the creepy regular customer found out I was lying about having a boyfriend in order to keep him away. He now thinks this is me playing hard to get. FML
Today, feeling bored and lonely, I drove into town to wander around the shops and go to Subway for lunch. While there, I picked up two trays and put one on the opposite side of the table, along with some of my rubbish, to make it look like I was with someone. FML
Today, I finally decided to stand up for myself and quit my crappy job working for my abusive father. I gave him a few insults too, to which he reacted by calling the police and claiming I'd threatened to murder him. I spent three hours in jail before they finally let me go. FML
Today, I got into a fistfight with a complete idiot wearing a panda outfit. My face now looks like a real panda's. FML
Today, I had horrible morning sickness, but being starving, I had some canned soup. My husband soon came into the room and commented on how the leeks in the soup looked like chunks of vomit. The visual caused me to vomit all over the table. FML
Today, I am 20 weeks pregnant. My fiancé has decided my new nickname will be "Oink Oink". FML
Today, I was cuddling my new boyfriend, when he went in to kiss me for the first time. Sadly, I reflexively kneed him in the balls. FML
Today, my mom was acting really pissy, and I couldn't help but mutter that she must be on her period. Five hours later, I'm glued to the toilet with my phone, because she went all out for revenge and spiked my dinner with some hellishly potent kind of laxative. FML
Today, my mom made fun of me because I'm 16 and have never had a boyfriend, then bragged that at my age she was already pregnant with me. FML
Today, I figured out my 1-year-old daughter likes to dip her hand in our dogs' water bowl, and rub the water on her face. So I put the water bowl out of reach. She then figured out how to open the bathroom door and use the toilet instead. FML
Today, I was hitting on a girl, and I was sure I could get her to sleep with me. When she finally gave in and was putting her number into my phone, she called my mom and asked her if she raised me to "sexually harass women." FML
Today, after holing myself up in my room for the day, I eventually turned my phone back on and told my girlfriend that my grandma passed away today. She replied, "Ask me if I fucking care," then accused me of not caring about our relationship because I went offline all day. FML
Today, I got dumped because a guy sat next to me at a party and I didn't get up to change seats. Apparently, it means I subconsciously like the guy who sat down. FML
Today, I was hanging out with a guy I like. We climbed a tree to watch the sunset, and as the sun went down, I kissed him. He fell out of the tree. FML
Today, I found out that my phone fits perfectly through the slot between the elevator and the floor. FML
Today, I called my dad to let him know some details for my wedding had changed. It would have been really nice if he had paused the porno I could clearly hear in the background. FML
Today, I got stuck in the bathroom with no toilet paper. I had to reach into my small trash can and use soiled toilet paper to clean myself. When I went to flush the toilet, I noticed three unused rolls of toilet paper sitting on the counter. FML
Today, my parents dropped by my new house, and my mother offered to tidy up for me while I was out. After they left, I noticed that her "tidying up" included throwing out all the pictures of my girlfriend and replacing them with pictures of herself. FML
Today, my grandmother called me in a fit of panic because her new neighbors are black. So is my fiancé, whom she is supposed to meet tomorrow. FML
Today, my boyfriend dumped me for knowing more about Batman than he does. He's only seen some of the movies, and as a kid my dad owned a comic book store. He still doesn't see why I should know more, because I'm a girl, and "girls aren't supposed to know about superheroes." FML
Today, my five-year-old daughters realized that if one of them rang the doorbell, it would keep me distracted long enough for the other one to steal cookies from the kitchen. FML
Today, I found out my handwriting is so bad that people think I write in Arabic. FML
Today, it hit me that I'm incredibly pathetic, when at the age of 21, I tucked my stuffed animals into bed with me, facing in different directions so they could keep watch for monsters while I slept. FML
Today, as I worked as a cashier, two girls came up laughing. I smiled as I rang them up, asking what had made them laugh so hard. One looked me dead in the face and said, "You." They then both walked away, laughing. FML
Today, I realized I can't wait until my daughter moves out the house when she is 18. She's eight. FML
Today, I had to take my boyfriend to the emergency room to get stitches from cutting his arm during sex. I sat there while he explained to the doctor how it was the best orgasm ever. FML
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