jenn_elizabeth

Today, my boyfriend told me that he was gay and that he is in love with my younger brother. FML

Today, I gathered the courage to participate in a class discussion. My professor laughed at me. FML

Today, I went to the gym to try to get into shape. I pulled a muscle taking my sweater off in the locker room. FML

Today, I was waiting after work in a parking lot for my ride and was dancing a little to keep warm. Next thing I know the cops pull up to me and said that someone called in to report someone dancing in an empty parking lot. FML

Today, my little sister and I were reading a book together and out of nowhere, she said "I love you." My heart melted and I told her that I loved her too. Then she told me that she was talking to her stuffed animal, not me. FML

The self help books are over there

Today, a guy in the library came up to me and said, "You look very unproductive. Just watching you makes me depressed." FML

Today, I had just gotten over the flu and thought I was better. So me and my boyfriend decided to have sex. As I was about to orgasm, I puked all over his face. He was so disgusted that he ended up throwing up on me as well. FML

Today, my phone rang for the first time in four days. It was my mom. She dialed the wrong number. FML

Today, I gave my girlfriend some non-alcoholic beer as a joke. In slurred speech, she told me I have the body of a monk seal. She then took my keys, staggered to my car, and drove away. She crashed into a tree two blocks later. She's fine. FML

Today, I was having sex with my girlfriend. Mid-thrust she says "I love you, Jeremy." Then in rapid succession, she fires off 2 other names. None of the names were mine. FML

Raise the mood

Today, my on-and-off boyfriend of 8 years asked me to cheer him up. I told him that I'm in love with him. He said, "Oh, I just wanted a blowjob." FML

Today, my boss asked me to pick up an extra shift. I said I couldn't because I have a date. He told me I didn't need to lie and to just say no next time. FML

Today, I cut myself on a band-aid box, while trying to get one out for another cut. FML

Well done!

Today, I was volunteering at a nursing home calling bingo numbers. One woman stood up and started making noises, so I assumed she had won and started clapping. She then fell on the floor and died of a heart attack. I essentially applauded her death. FML

Today, I went to the gym to run. I ended up at the hospital because i went into anaphylactic shock. Apparently I'm allergic to exercise now. FML

Today, I was talking to my parents about feeling insecure with my "beach body" as Spring Break keeps getting closer and closer. My dad warned me by saying, "Don't wear a gray swimsuit. People will try to roll you back into the ocean". FML

Social distancing

Today, I stood by the wall at a party while everyone else danced and ignored me. It was my birthday party. FML

Today, I went to a fastfood restaurant to pick up food for my work party. I ordered 250 chicken fingers, 15 orders of fries, and 2 gallons of tea, and the guy behind the counter asked, "Is this for here or to go?" FML

You tried!

Today, I wanted to seduce my boyfriend so I put on my sexiest lingerie and started playing mood music. As he was eating dinner, I climbed up on the table and started seductively crawling across to him. The table collapsed under my weight. FML

Today, I told my dad I was leaving to get some beauty sleep. He looked at me laughing and said, "See you in a decade." FML

Today, is my brothers 16th birthday. He got keys to the Lexus. I'm 18, have no car, and got pajama pants and chapstick for my birthday. FML

Today, I got a "save the date" card for the wedding of a couple my husband knows. I was excited because I really wish to be better friends with these people. I emailed the bride, "I got your STD!" and hit send before I realized how that sounded. FML