Miss
Today, my mother and I got into a huge fight about me being a lesbian. It ended with me saying "Fuck you!" to which she responded: "I bet you'd probably like to." FML
Today, my mother and I went to Wal-Mart to buy pads. I suggested I get tampons instead, so that I can go swimming at my boyfriend's cottage. My mother then goes to the nearest store employee and asks, "excuse me, if my daughter uses a tampon, does that mean she is no longer a virgin?" FML
Today, my cat was in the bathroom with me. I was getting undressed to get into the shower. My cat looked at me after I'd undressed and then threw up all over the rug. FML
Today, I had my first job interview and didn't have much of an appetite because of the nerves, so I grabbed a brownie that my roommate had left in the fridge and ate it on the train ride in to the city. About 20 minutes into my interview, I was so stoned I couldn't speak. FML
Today, I was having sex with my girlfriend. I really get off on hearing her say my name so I was imagining her doing so more often than she actually was. I then called out my own name by accident. FML
Today, I found out that my husband named our daughter after his favorite porn star. FML
Today, I was shopping at a supermarket. As I was about to pay for my items, I noticed the cashier was very cute. Trying to be nice, I smiled. She smiled back and said, "Hello, how are you?" Instead of saying, "I'm good" or, "I'm okay", I said, "I'm gay". FML
Today, I went through the drive-through at Dunkin Donuts and asked for an iced coffee. After no response, I started frantically screaming about bad service. After a while, a woman came out to my car and said, "Please pull up to the speaker." I'd been yelling at a garbage bin for 5 minutes. FML
Today, I got a call from my son's second grade teacher. He happens to write and throw with both hands, and wanted to share this during show and tell. Apparently, he didn't know the word for this is ambidextrous, because his teacher told me, "Your son just told the whole class that he's bisexual!" FML
Today, I sent out my monthly curriculum list to the parents of the kids in my math class so they can see what their children will be learning. I usually end my e-mails with the phrase 'math is power'. Now, 154 parents got an e-mail saying 'meth is power'. FML
Today, my boyfriend and I were having sex. After about 10 minutes, while we changed positions, he shouts, "Power Rangers - It's Morphin' Time!" FML
Today, I was making out with my boyfriend. He suddenly pulled away, goes, "OMNOMNOMNOM" then continued kissing me. FML
Today, I was proposed to in a McDonald's. FML
Today, my girlfriend left me for my best friend. Over a text message with "lol" in it. FML
Today, my boyfriend broke up with me using Lady GaGa lyrics. FML
Today, my boyfriend decided that a good time to have our first kiss was on a roller-coaster, right before a huge drop. He bit through my lip. FML
Today, the cute guy I met on Halloween finally decided to meet up with me after almost 10 months of phone calls, IM, and emails. He was noticeably disappointed and said I looked different. On Halloween I had full face zombie makeup. FML
Today, my best friend thought it would look cool if I recorded her swinging while lying under the swing. She ended up kicking me in the face and laughing so hard, she pissed on me. FML
Today, I was watching TV when a Dentyne gum commercial came on and stated that the average person spends more than 20,000 minutes kissing. I've spent less than three. FML
Today, I found out that the reason why my boyfriend has a chipped tooth is because his teeth hit another girl's teeth while kissing her. FML
Today, I met my boyfriend's whole family. Between them they had about 10 teeth. FML
Today, I confessed to my best friend that I love him and always have. He whispered to himself, "Why do the fat chicks always want me?" FML
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