Miss
Today, my dad came round to the house. Looking rather pleased with himself he pulled out his phone, grinned, and chucked it over to me. I glanced at the screen to see a naked woman. He smiled and said "I tapped that last night". FML
Today, I was stuck in stand-still traffic for 5 minutes, before realizing I had stopped behind a parked car. FML
Today, I went to visit my boyfriend at work. That's where I met his pregnant girlfriend. FML
Today, I had a sore throat, and I'd read that drops of Tabasco sauce on your tongue helps. I aimed the bottle at my tongue and the whole cap came off, covering my face and filling my mouth with Tabasco sauce, causing me to blow chunks all over the kitchen floor. FML
Today, I woke up to a burglar holding a gun. He yelled at me to get up so I did. He then paused and laughed. I was sleeping naked. FML
Today, my professor spent the entire class showing us how to make paper airplanes. I pay over 40 grand a year for college. FML
Today, my back hurt really badly, so I decided to stay in bed. After a while, I sat up to shut the door. When I leaned over to reach it, I fell off my bed and face-planted the floor. After picking myself up and getting comfortable in my bed again, I realized the door was still open. FML
Today, I went to the store to buy some condoms for my girlfriend, Kim, and I. I was in a rush and when I looked at the cashier, I realized it was her father. Nervous and hoping to reassure him, I go, "Don't worry, I'm not using these with Kim." That didn't help. FML
Today, I was driving down the road when I got to a red light. I looked over and saw a hot chick in a convertible, so I spoke to my window, thinking she couldn't hear me, "Hey girl, I may have a tiny dick but I make up for it in speed and stamina." She looked over. I forgot about the sunroof. FML
Today, my boyfriend broke up with me using Lady GaGa lyrics. FML
Today, I got a call from my 8 year-old son's teacher. Apparently, my kid has been charging girls a quarter to touch his "special area." FML
Today, I was in church. After we were done praying, I quickly sat back down, accidentally crushing my testicles in the process. I squealed loudly and all but pissed my pants, earning me plenty of weird looks from the congregation. FML
Today, I was in the emergency room. The doctor told me that my injuries and back problems are the intensity of those after a car accident. I slipped on a grape. FML
Today, I complimented a girl on her stockings pattern. Turns out she wasn't wearing stockings. FML
Today, my mom sold our electronic stuff to pay for hurricane shutters. We live in Chicago. FML
Today, my extremely in-shape boyfriend told me he hasn't had a chance to work out lately. I jokingly poked him in the belly saying he's getting chunky and winked. He burst into tears. FML
Today, while at Costco, I was eating a hotdog when I saw a really hot guy walking over. Trying to be sexy, I bit my hotdog cutely and winked. I ended up choking and dropping the ketchup covered hotdog all over my lap. FML
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