TheCRBrown

Today, I managed to cut myself on a piece of chocolate. FML

Today, I found out my wife cheated on me with a guy from her work three times, two months before I proposed to her. She decided to tell me three months into our marriage. FML

Today, I was humming the Star Wars theme song while on the bus. When my stop came I walked down the aisle only to hear a girl mutter, "The virginity is strong in this one." She's right. FML

Today, I had to explain to my friend that the world did not used to be black and white. It was just the pictures that were. She still doesn't believe me. She's eighteen. FML

Today, I found out what it feels like to get hit in the head with a bat. Not the wooden kind though. The one that bites and claws you when it gets stuck in your hair. FML

Today, I found a bug under my foreskin. FML

Not sporty

Today, I passed a field where some kids were playing football. The ball rolled over in my direction, so they asked me to kick it over. I tried and failed three times, and ended up throwing it over, where it embarrassingly landed about 2 feet away. They had to come over and get it. FML

Today, I dropped off my 19 year old daughter at her first job. It's at a strip club. FML

Crotch rot

Today, while on the train to university, I realized it was my stop and quickly stood up to get off. Or I would have, if my leg hadn't gone to sleep and caused me to fall, landing face first into the crotch of the old guy in front of me. FML

Today, my husband and I found out that our daughter's chronic stomach aches are due to gluten intolerance, so we need to cut all wheat out of our diet. We're bakers. FML

Activism but with cupcakes

Today, I went to my first meeting at the university women's group, excited to become a more involved feminist. The first item on the meeting's agenda? The upcoming bake sale. FML

Today, I woke up super glued to the toilet. FML

Today, my boyfriend and I went to a basketball game. A very pretty woman sat next to him. During the third quarter, the kiss cam came on. But it didn't show him and me, it showed him and the other girl. And they kissed. FML

Today, while I was getting out of the shower, I saw a spider climb into the ceiling vent. Wanting it to come out so I could kill it, I turned on the fan. It came out, along with a dozen of its friends. FML

Keeping up appearances

Today, my seven-year-old told me to lose weight. Her reason? There's a family fun day coming up at her school and she is embarrassed. FML

Today, my girlfriend of 2 years texted me saying "I can't wait to f*ck later." I replied saying, "Couldn't we just spend time together?" Her response was, "What are you, a girl?" FML

Today, I was having a hard time waking up. When I sat down for breakfast, my chair rocked backwards. I reflexively grabbed out at something to hold on to. Unfortunately, I grabbed the cereal box that was on the table. FML

Today, due to nervousness, I threw up while proposing to my girlfriend. FML

Prevention

Today, I'm found out I'm pregnant. My husband and I spoke at length about how we were going to handle things, which included him "forbidding" me from having an epidural, because he doesn't want our baby to "come out addicted to drugs." FML

Today, I have a heart condition that causes migraines and fainting, so I take salt tablets to stop the fainting. The migraines can lead to a stroke, so I have medication for them. The medication has a side effect: fainting. And to avoid migraines, I should avoid salt. FML

Today, I found out that I'm not actually allergic to chocolate, when my mom freely admitted to me that she made it up when I was a child because she didn't want to share any cookies with me. FML

What the F, lady?

Today, the girl I went on an awkward date with two weeks ago showed up at university and started smashing my car with a bat. She then broke down in tears and alternated between declaring her love, and cussing me out for "cheating" on her. FML

Today, I found out my husband has been talking to another woman on Facebook. His only defense was, "I thought I deleted the messages." FML

Today, my boyfriend broke up with me by rapping in a voicemail. FML

Today, my book bag was so heavy that it set off my car's passenger detection system in the front seat. I had to buckle in my textbooks. FML

You ain't seen me, right?

Today, I was showering at my dorm. I had my clothes locked in a locker and my towel and robe hanging outside the stall. Someone took off with my towel and robe, which had my keys. I had to walk down three flights of stairs to get an extra key in nothing but a plastic shower curtain. FML

Today, my husband revealed that he found me drunk and shoe-less in a shrub in our front garden last night, sending dirty texts to my new employee. I've recently had my meds switched and apparently can't drink now. My husband's pissed, my shoes are gone, and I can't look the new guy in the face. FML

Today, while at work, I helped my ex-husband pick out a ring for the girl he cheated on me with. FML

Today, I had to suffer through a four hour flight beside my ex. Yesterday, I proposed, on the last day of our vacation. She said no. FML

Dress code

Today, at work, my boss asked me why I wasn't adhering to proper dress code. I pointed out that skinny jeans are in the dress code, to which he replied, "Only if you're skinny." FML