Today, I was constipated and so desperate to go that I ate an entire box of laxatives. Now I'm in the hospital on a saline drip for dehydration and malnutrition, in addition to getting a massive enema and having the most agonizing shit of my life. FML
Today, I caught my fiance lying about being at work. Furious, I started breaking his things, demanding to know what skank he'd been sneaking around with. He gave me a stack of receipts, saying he'd been Christmas shopping. He's not cheating, just getting me everything I wanted. God, I'm a psycho. FML
Today, I find video games very unattractive and unmanly. I told a great guy that he had to choose between me and his video games, and he immediately told me he chose video games, then asked me to leave. Whatever, loser. FML
Today, I had a job interview. It went rather well and I was sure they would hire me. I put in my two weeks notice at my current job and told my boss to suck a dumpster of dick. I then get an email saying they “won’t be moving forward” because my Threads and Instagram don’t “align with the company values.” FML
Today, I popped something straight out of the oven into my mouth. It burned my tongue instantly, but instead of spitting it out, I swallowed. I felt it burning all the way down. Now I can’t eat solid food or drink hot drinks. FML
Today, I was really excited to go on a date with my girlfriend. We were sat in the restaurant looking at our menus when she suddenly frowned and said someone was watching us from across the street. I turned to see who it was. My wife. FML
Today, my wife's friend's husband broke the unwritten "man rule" of not being TOO good of a husband. He turned over a new leaf and started really busting his ass, so his wife bragged on him to my wife, and now she's sulking and refusing sex. FML
Today, while on a blind date, I told her in no uncertain terms that if I got married, my wife would need to be a housewife. She burst out laughing and asked, "Dude, do you even HAVE a house?" and walked out laughing when I said I didn't. FML
Today, my punishment for my 14 year-old troublemaker son seems to have badly backfired. My husband and I sent him to live with my strict disciplinarian father for a while, and not only has he changed, but he loves it there and refuses to come home. My dad is on his side. I don't know what to do. FML
Today, I asked my adoptive parents to put me back in foster care because now that my adoptive mother is pregnant, I know that they won't love or need me anymore. Not only did they say no, but they yelled and screamed at me the whole day, and grounded me until New Year's. FML
Today, I told my husband that we should write down all our passwords so we don't forget them. Later, after he'd left, I pulled out his password sheet to do a little snooping, only to learn that he'd written them in some sort of bizarre cipher. What's he hiding? FML
Today, I went on a date with a guy. I looked at the menu and yelled, "Who puts caramel on onions? EW!" I then learned that "caramelized onion" is not caramel covered onions. FML
Today, I tried to strike up a conversation with someone in an elevator by commenting on the "beautiful view." We were in a windowless elevator, heading for the basement parking lot. I then had to try and appear less psychotic to avoid freaking them out even more. FML
Today, I wore press on nails and I work in a very professional setting where my hands are 24/7 visible to our clients. I've had multiple nails go flying off at various inappropriate times and my nail glue has been my BFF for 2 weeks. I had to go buy another nail glue bottle to make it through my second week. FML
Today, as a prank, I told my husband I was going to sleep alone in the spare room, just to see his panicked reaction. Not only did he not panic, he agreed straight away, then an hour later announced he was going to bed a whole three hours earlier than normal. I can hear him in there, watching TV, eating snacks. FML
Today, I broke it off with all of my friends with benefits. Why? Because I have grown attached to a fictional character, and I like him a lot more than any IRL person. FML.
Today, I pretended to be on a work call to avoid talking to my neighbour. Mid-fake call, my phone actually rang. I had to answer it and have two simultaneous conversations while avioding eye contact with my neighbour. FML
Today, I babysat my niece and thought a quick shower would be fine. I left her watching cartoons with a blanket and returned to find she’d used washable paints on the carpet and her hands, leaving tiny colorful footprints to the couch. Her proud smile made me forgive the mess, but I spent the evening scrubbing. FML
Today, I went to see a movie but took my phone out a few times to check my socials. Apparently the asshole behind me didn’t like that, because he ripped my phone out of my hands, dropped it in my soda, then just sat back in his seat like nothing happened. FML
Today, I spent 10 minutes on the phone with tech support before realizing my “broken” printer was unplugged behind the desk and had been the whole time. The agent waited in silence as I was checking, but I was too embarrassed to tell him, so I hung up the phone in shame. FML
Today, my office building had a surprise fire drill. As I rushed to exit, I realized that I’d put on a shirt that was way too tight. It felt like it was practically cutting off my circulation, and I couldn’t breathe too well. I tried to suck in my stomach but almost passed out in the process. I spent the rest of the drill struggling with my shirt while people gave me weird looks. FML
Today, I’m a middle-school teacher. Handing back graded essays, only to realize halfway through that I’d left my personal notes visible on the projector. One said, “Great kid, but talks like a podcast on 1.5x speed.” The student read it out loud before I could close the tab. FML
Today, I realised something awful. I'm in two wonderful loving ethical non-monogamous relationships and I can and do occasionally enjoy a one-nighter or more outside of these. It hit me - I miss cheating. FML
Today, I showed my new tattoo to my friends. It's supposed to be a deep, philosophical quote in Latin, symbolizing strength and resilience. My friend, who happens to be fluent in Latin, started laughing hysterically. Turns out, it actually says, "You are dumb." FML
Today, one of my friends confessed his love for me and said he wanted to be more than friends. Jaded by guys who only wanted one thing, I pushed him away saying, “Oh really, is that what you think you need to say to get in my pants?” He frowned and stormed off. Later, I found out he really did want a relationship. FML
Today, my girl bestie, who I secretly have a crush on, sent me a screenshot of my girlfriend tagging me on a Facebook post, saying, “So when were you planning on telling me you have a girlfriend?” I fucking told my girlfriend not to tag me on shit in social media but she did it anyway. Now my bestie won’t talk to me. FML
Today, I tried to take a cute selfie in front of a café window. I didn’t realize there were people inside, specifically the café staff, who were watching see me posing, pouting, and flipping my hair for a full two minutes. When I finally realised they were there, they gave me the thumbs up while imitating my poses. FML
Today, I brought a “safe” store-bought cake to a potluck and dropped it on the sidewalk while getting out of the car. I showed up anyway, carrying the box like it was still fine. It was not. FML
Today, at the local mini-mart, I saw an old friend from high school and decided to surprise her with a hug from behind. Turns out, it wasn't her. It was a complete stranger who screamed, then whacked me with her purse. Now I’m banned from the shop. FML
Today, I told a coworker, “You look way better without makeup.” She responded, “I’m wearing makeup.” Everyone around us gasped like I had just said "fuck" in church. FML
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