Today, my husband is out with his buddies so I decided to have a solo night in and ordered Uber Eats for dinner. Two hours later, I was craving cheesecake and ordered through Uber Eats again like a little food gremlin. I got the same delivery guy, who now knows EXACTLY what I did. I'm hiding in my house until he leaves. FML
Today, on the advice of a girl from sales, I sent a company-wide email with the subject line, "FOR SALE - 2010 Toyota Camry." I realized the social faux pas a minute later when my department head replied-to-all, "FOR SALE - half eaten sandwich." Now everyone thinks I’m a dumbass for confusing company emails for Craigslist, and for believing anyone who works in sales. FML
Today, I pretended to be a little girl on social media, just for fun. All I got was a random guy who sent me a direct message and asked me to send a photo of my private parts. FML
Today, I posted a selfie on Instagram showing off my new haircut. However, I hadn't noticed that I'd forgot to switch back from my company's official Instagram account to my private account. The caption? "Feeling cute, might delete later." It stayed up for over an hour, and my future as a social media manager is up for debate. FML
Today, I wrecked my car on the way to work, all because I could get free food from a restaurant for my team winning a game. My husband suggested it. Now I’m without a car, with massive hospital bills, all for the most expensive fast food. FML
Today, I was in a bodega when I spotted a celebrity I’ve had a huge crush on for years. I decided to go up and introduce myself, but instead of saying something cool, I panicked and shouted, "I love your cereal!" They looked confused, and I immediately realized I was staring at the wrong person, just someone who just looked a lot like them. FML
Today, while clearing out my kitchen, I discovered a Tupperware container that'd been forgotten for so long it'd developed its own ecosystem. When I opened it, a funky smell engulfed the kitchen, and I realized I had unintentionally created a new form of life. I promptly closed the container, then put it in the freezer in the hope of killing whatever it is. FML
Today, while I was making a TikTok about motherhood, I accidentally dropped my 3-month-old baby. Upon learning what had happened, my understandably upset husband now won't talk to me, and I'm in the hospital on my knees, praying that my son makes it. FML
Today, my girlfriend asked me to tie her up and spank her while fucking her and calling her a slut. But heaven forbid I later scream at her during an argument. She wailed and gave me the silent treatment, all because I raised my voice. FML
Today, I tried to surprise my partner by lighting candles all over the living room. It looked magical… until one candle melted the TV remote into a puddle of plastic. We spent our romantic evening trying to Google “How to change channels without a remote.” FML
Today, I found my sister online after over a year of no contact. Our other sister framed her, getting our parents to kick out and disown her. Her childhood sweetheart and his mom took her in, and is now living a life of luxury with them abroad, while we live off government checks, which BARELY cover bare basics. FML
Today, I was giving a quiet man a haircut. I saw his hand moving repeatedly under the cover, and I knew he was masturbating. I was alone and it was late, so I punched him in the dick as hard as I could, then ran for my pepper spray. Turns out he just has a nervous tic. FML
Today, it's been three days since I started using a habit-tracking app to become more productive. I created goals for exercising, reading, cleaning, drinking water, and going to bed early. Now after three days, I'd spent more time checking the app than doing any of the things it was tracking. FML
Today, I went in to hug my boss after a big project presentation, all because I misread his body language and thought he was opening his arms to me, but he was actually reaching for his jacket. I basically hugged his sleeve while he stared at me like I’d lost my mind. FML
Today, I wanted to call my mom to ask for advice but called my boss instead. I panicked and ended up talking about weekend plans like nothing was wrong. She now knows way too much about my personal life. FML
Today, I accidentally liked a coworker’s old social media photo while scrolling at 2 a.m. Panicking, I unliked it immediately, knowing full well notifications exist. The next morning, they casually asked if I was “up late.” I considered quitting my job. FML
Today, I volunteered to bring a homemade dessert to a family dinner. I made a cheesecake, decorated it beautifully, and carried it across town on the train. When I arrived, everyone complimented it. Then I realized I'd forgotten the removable bottom of the pan, so the cheesecake was still sitting inside a metal ring and couldn't be served. FML
Today, I tried to make it right by visiting my girl in the hospital after she had our baby. I fucked up by freaking out and dumping her since I didn’t feel ready, but now wanted to do the right thing. When I got there, another guy was kissing her and holding my baby. My best friend/cousin. FML
Today, I tried to save money by fixing a leaky sink myself. Fifteen minutes and three tools later, I had flooded under-sink cabinets and a new appreciation for plumbers. My landlord arrived with a wrench and a look that said ‘you’ll learn.’ I learned to call professionals first. FML
Today, I set up an office laptop remotely from home. My own laptop screen sat next to that laptop screen. I wanted to wank so opened some porn on my own screen. Then my boss called and said, "There's smut playing on this laptop." Wrong screen, and my work PC was in console mode, so people had gathered to watch. FML
Today, my husband is such a cheap-ass that he spent two days underneath his old beater car with an angle grinder and a welding rig, grinding off some old rusty supports, and welding on new ones. He makes enough money to throw that thing in the scrapyard and buy a brand new car. I don't get it. FML
Today, I was proud of myself for remembering my wallet, keys and phone before leaving for the airport. I got all the way to security before realizing I’d left my passport on the kitchen table, right next to the travel mug I also forgot to bring. FML
Today, I went for a "relaxing" walk on a local trail. I got chased by an angry goose halfway back to my car. Apparently, it didn’t appreciate my "peaceful" attempt to take a selfie with it. FML
Today, during a Zoom meeting, I thought my mic was muted. I sighed loudly and muttered, “I have no idea what this guy’s talking about.” The “guy” immediately stopped talking and said, “If you’re confused, I can repeat stuff.” Everyone stared in silence while I melted into my chair. FML
Today, I had a blind date with someone who asked me for an evening out back on Valentine's Day. I was happy to have a date related to a special day. The catch: my date is a woman I know from work who has a crush on me. Should I feel good I agreed to time with another woman, or bad that it's my only date in 3 years? FML
Today, I showed up to my mate's wedding. There was a board for someone's 100th birthday instead. I screwed up the dates and the wedding was yesterday. FML
Today, I tried impressing my colleagues by using fancy business jargon during a meeting. I ended up saying, "Let's synergize our ideation to maximize the bandwidth of our paradigm shift." Nobody had a clue what I meant, and me neither to be honest. FML
Today, it's my 23rd birthday. My family - parents, siblings, and two cousins - asked to visit to help me celebrate. I agreed and spent some time cleaning my place up some. The catch: I relaxed a bit and did it while nude. It felt so nice, I forgot I was nude, so when they came at noon… well, it wasn't the birthday suit I'd hoped they'd see. FML
Today, I realized that after years of watching Hentai I can only ejaculate while hearing Anime voices. FML
Today, I had an interview for a pretty interesting job. Everything was going smoothly until I referred to their company by the wrong name, not once, but three times. They politely corrected me each time, but I could see the resentment in their eyes, especially because it was the name of their main competitor. I probably won't be getting the job, huh? FML
Feel like sharing it with the other FML users?
Thanks, your FML was submitted, and will appear in the moderation queue soon!
