The Top · The all-time greatest FMLs

Caught in the act

Today, I learned that when your flatmate admits she’s an exhibitionist and you say you’re OK with it, it doesn’t means she going to walk around naked like you hoped, it means she’s going to bring guys home and do them at times I’m guaranteed to “accidentally catch them.” Why couldn’t she do me instead? FML

Naira bucks

Today, I confidently walked into a meeting thinking I looked sharp in my new shirt. Halfway through, someone pointed out that the tag was still hanging out the back, flapping like a flag. It wasn’t even a size tag, it literally said "₦5,500" in bold. FML

Psyched

Today, I was psyching myself up in the office bathroom mirror before a big presentation. I was doing power poses and whispering, “You’re smart, you’re powerful, you’re unstoppable.” When I turned around, three coworkers were waiting silently for the stalls, watching my whole performance. FML

Today, I submitted my first app review. It was for Pocket Podiatrist: the DIY Guide to Foot Surgery. 1/5 stars. Would not recommend. FML

Box fresh

Today, I was giving a lecture when I noticed everyone smiling at me. I thought my jokes were finally landing until a coworker pointed out that the price tag from my brand-new shirt was hanging out of the back of my collar the entire time. FML

Ruined

Today, I let my young son play on my RuneScape account, figuring he was too young to do much more than walk around randomly. I came back to find out he'd somehow gotten into my in-game bank and lost a huge amount of money. FML

Safe travels

Today, I'd booked a window seat for my first flight because I wanted to enjoy the view. A few minutes after takeoff, I fell asleep. I woke up just as we were about to land, with a dead phone, a stiff neck, and absolutely no idea what the clouds looked like. FML

I can't win

Today, I broke up with my ex not too long ago, then I fell for another guy and he liked me too, but now a few weeks later we grew distant because of the same reason my ex broke up with me for, how I'm too clingy and affectionate, etc. FML

Sabotage

Today, I can't afford to lose my job but I've been consciously sabotaging my job for months now. My manager pulled me aside to let me know that I am untrustworthy and need to improve. I'm smart and have no idea why I'm doing this to myself. I had a great work ethic in my previous job, even winning awards for it. FML

A whole generation traumatized

Today, I have North West's Lion King song stuck in my head. I can even do the choreography. FML

Sorry!

Today, I walked into a conference room for what I thought was my department meeting. It turned out to be a support group for people with anger management issues. They weren't pleased with my suggestion to "calm down." FML

Exhausted

Today, I so obviously dozed off during a video call at work. Afterwards, my manager messaged me asking if I was OK. I was mortified, and now I'm "on his watch." FML

A bit of an overreaction

Today, I shouted at my husband for buying a video game, saying that money wasted on his dumb childish bullshit could be spent on a nice vacation or date night. He quietly packed a bag and left. I'm getting the locks changed. Good riddance. FML

Outclassed

Today, I had a gym date with a girl from Tinder. As soon as I saw her loading up the 45s, I knew I was in trouble. She could squat and leg-press over 100 lbs more than me on both. Somehow she let me come over that night anyway. I challenged her to a wrestling match to try and gain back my pride, then she made me tap out. FML

Nice try

Today, I found out that you can’t lie on a college application and say you’re a first time in college student. My application flagged me as a “transfer student” right before I was supposed to be accepted. Apparently, the financial aid office has a tracking system to see where you attended and received aid. FML

Great party

Today, what should have been a nice family dinner ended with my wife standing over me, staring me dead in the eyes, while endlessly repeating, “Get him out of my house, get him out of my house…” until I agreed to take my drunk brother to a hotel to sleep it off. FML

The hangover from hell

Today, slightly drunk from a head-frazzle of a night out from hell, I sent a text meant for my friend recounting the terrible date I'd just been on… to the date himself. He replied with, "I know, right?" FML

Road rage

Today, I had a “Fuck you” shouting match with a guy who'd tailgated me in the slow lane through an active school zone. I flipped him off when he finally passed, which admittedly wasn’t my best move. He ended up beside me, windows down, where we verbally sparred like teenagers in a dick swinging contest. Regrettably. FML

Don't look

Today, I realized I had accidentally swapped phones with my coworker. She now has access to my search history, which includes: "Can cats sense shame?", "Is it OK to eat expired hummus?" and “Why do I hate my coworkers so much?” FML

Cool

Today, at the gym, I was trying to look cool doing pull-ups in front of someone I liked. On my first pull-up, my hand slipped, and I fell backwards onto a yoga ball, which shot me straight into another guy doing push-ups. FML

Time to quiet quit

Today, my manager asked me to escort a VIP and make a fuss over her. Two hours I waited, calling my manager every 10 minutes to check in. He eventually told me he got the date wrong, she’s not coming until Thursday. He then docked my pay for the two hours I was “stood around doing nothing.” FML

Easy mark

Today, I learned that the cancer patient in a foreign country I sent money too from an ad on TikTok was a deepfake AI used by scammers. I thought I'd actually helped someone. FML

Hetero blues

Today, I have a major crush on my coworker and I hate it because he's s gay and happily married to another man. FML

Survivalist

Today, during a storm-related power failure, I jerry-rigged an inverter from my car to supply the essentials. In doing so, I managed to blow up the fridge, smoke and all. The power came back on 5 minutes later. FML

All mixed up

Today, after finding out that I'd slept with our married neighbor, I found out my husband had slept with him too as revenge. FML

Dirty Dancing Fail

Bro do you even lift?

Take this seriously!

Today, to help my fellow trainees, I made a very long post in the training Teams chat detailing every detail that tripped me up recently. One responded, "Sir this is a Wendy's" and they all bust up laughing. FML

Wait, what?

Today, I confidently answered a question in a meeting, only to realize everyone was staring at me because I’d misunderstood it completely. My boss gently rephrased it while I nodded like that was my point all along. It absolutely wasn’t. FML

Where am I?

Today, I tried to unlock my front door before realizing I was at the wrong apartment, on the wrong floor of the building. The actual resident opened the door while I was still jiggling the handle. This has happened twice now since I moved in a month ago and am still confused by the floor signage. FML

Fantasy

Today, I got so tired of my friends constantly pestering me about having a girlfriend that I downloaded Monika After Story. Now when they ask, I just say she's long-distance and values her privacy, so I can't show her to them. This is what my life has come to. Forever alone. FML