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The all-time greatest FMLs

That's so sick!

By Anonymous - 02/05/2024 06:00 - United States

Today, I found out my wife of 5 years, with whom we have three kids, is actually my cousin. At a family dinner someone had pointed out how much she looks like my uncle. We laughed until she mentioned that she was adopted from the same town my uncle's ex-wife had a baby. A few questions and a blood test later, we all learned the sick truth. FML

I agree, your life sucks 710

You deserved it 113

Second Life

By Aaron - 12/04/2021 07:59

Today, I finally got to experience being loved, or at least what it looks like. I paid for a fabulous wedding in a video game with a reluctant friend, who only agreed after I explained all the free costumes, pets, and other items he'd receive. FML

I agree, your life sucks 710

You deserved it 421

Testing

By Hari - 07/11/2021 20:01

Today, it’s my second week at work. I received a phone call from corporate HQ that they wanted to make our monitors wireless, so they wanted me to cut the red wire from the main monitors. I did so, and my boss walks in, furious. Turns out it was a set up to see if I’m “that gullible.” Yes, I was fired. FML

I agree, your life sucks 709

You deserved it 1 532

Good boy

By hypocrites!! - 30/08/2023 10:00

Today, I was given an ultimatum; either get rid of my beloved dog who’s my literal only source of happiness, or find a new place to live (which I can’t afford). My asshole neighbors keep complaining about my sweet boy’s barking, meanwhile their bratty bastards are 10 times louder. It’s not fair. FML

I agree, your life sucks 709

You deserved it 539

What hell, lady?

By Anonymous - 21/04/2021 08:00

Today, my friend wasn't responding to my whispers in the library, so I walked over and very slightly moved his chair. At that exact moment, the librarian walked in. Regardless of our efforts to tell her anything, she got us banned from the library. FML

I agree, your life sucks 709

You deserved it 321

Avoidance technique

By M…… - 05/06/2024 20:00 - United States

Today, two days before our vacation, I caught my wife coaching our six year-old son how to fake nightmares, so he could sleep in our bed every night. I now understand why we never have sex on vacation. FML

I agree, your life sucks 709

You deserved it 137

Procrastination

By Anonymous - 23/04/2021 17:01 - Germany

Today, I planned a busy day of errands: cycle 16 km, pick up a thing I bought online, go to the gas station, pharmacy and 3 different shops. I’m totally exhausted now. Maybe tomorrow I’ll find the energy to actually do all those things. FML

I agree, your life sucks 709

You deserved it 369

Hairy situation

By Bleh - 12/11/2022 18:00

Today, I woke up with a mouthful of cat hair. I don't have any recollection of how this could've happened. My most plausible idea is that my cat shoved his face in my mouth while I was asleep. But how did I not wake up from that? Maybe when I'm done pulling all the hairs out of my mouth, I can think about it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 709

You deserved it 190

On the rocks

By leogs23 - 26/01/2021 10:59

Today, my fiancée is convinced that I just want to marry her to get a green card, so she doesn’t want to marry me anymore. FML

I agree, your life sucks 709

You deserved it 747

Bible belt

By Anonymous - 27/11/2021 14:01

Today, after I recently started going back to church, my husband, who was last inside a church when he was replacing a boiler, told me I’d better knock it off because our kids threatened to stop visiting, and our neighbours think we’re “that couple.” FML

I agree, your life sucks 709

You deserved it 638

Heavy phone, dude

By Burton - 12/06/2021 20:00

Today, I'm in the E.R. because I broke one of my toes when my cellphone slipped from my hands after taking a shower. Needless to say, my cellphone broke too. FML

I agree, your life sucks 709

You deserved it 369

Paw Patrol

By Anonymous - 19/06/2021 16:00

Today, on the plus side, I have the best home entertainment ever. On the annoying side, a bunch of kittens will certainly decide that running up *underneath* the protective sheet you put over the sofa is THE most fun to be had. FML

I agree, your life sucks 709

You deserved it 233

Repetitive

By Anonymous - 27/07/2021 04:01

Today, my husband stormed out to the pub because he couldn’t stand listening to my mother droning on and on about the same stories she always tells and the programmes she watches everyday. He didn’t think of taking me with him, so I had to stay and listen to the boring old bat. FML

I agree, your life sucks 709

You deserved it 813

Clique

By nick - 14/01/2024 12:00 - United States - San Diego

Today, I’m being accused of groping and holding a drunk girl inappropriately at the party I hosted. I was literally holding her up, to prevent her from throwing up all over my floor and furniture. Her friends did a good job of just standing there, leaving me, a man, as the only one to help her. FML

I agree, your life sucks 709

You deserved it 122

Time to leave

By Anonymous - 12/05/2023 18:00 - Australia

Today, I was meeting my girlfriend's parents for the first time. When I went to shake her dad's hand, I broke his watch. FML

I agree, your life sucks 709

You deserved it 171

You really shouldn't have

By ParentsSleepingOnMyCouch - 13/02/2024 09:00 - United States - Renton

Today, I was awakened by knocking on my door, only to find my parents standing there. Turns out, they booked two one-way tickets to visit me from another country. Their plan? I should scrap my upcoming 2-week vacation to hang out because they invested in this trip. Oh, and they didn't book a hotel. I'm 31. FML

I agree, your life sucks 709

You deserved it 112

Who's responsible? Ep#2

By Louis - 04/04/2017 21:00

The investigation is still underway… This week we're finding out who's making hoverboards so prevalent on FML.

I agree, your life sucks 708

You deserved it 163

Smart

By Anonymous - 14/05/2024 16:00

Today, I discovered my girlfriend stealing from my bank account. She thought she was smart by disguising her transfers as 'GAS BILL' or 'NETFLIX BILL'. Um, Netflix doesn’t cost £100 a month, and BILL is spelt with two Ls, not three. Reported for fraud; got my money back; single again. FML

I agree, your life sucks 708

You deserved it 110

Paranoid

By Anonymous - 26/07/2023 15:00

Today, my new neighbour is totally a Karen, she has the sunglasses, the haircut and the outfits we all know so well, plus I can hear how she speaks to her husband and kids through the wall. I’m afraid to leave my house in case she introduces herself and immediately finds something to moan about. FML

I agree, your life sucks 708

You deserved it 736

LET ME OUT!

By Anonymous - 16/03/2023 14:00 - United States

Today, I got stuck in an elevator with a group of people who smelled like they bathed in garlic. It was so bad that I'm pretty sure Dracula would have tried to claw his way out. FML

I agree, your life sucks 708

You deserved it 108

Alexa, play "Guess I'm Dumb" by Glen Campbell

By t…… - 23/10/2021 11:00

Today, my coworkers were trying to teach me how to play a card game. There was one rule that I just couldn’t wrap my head around, even with three of my coworkers explaining it in different ways. It just didn’t make any sense whatsoever to me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 708

You deserved it 251

My house now

By Anonymous - 06/01/2023 21:00 - Australia

Today, my house got its annual visit from a cat that lives down the street. My dogs did nothing to chase it away, and it marked its territory. I have a very sensitive nose, but I can't find where the smell is coming from for the life of me. I am also highly susceptible to migraines, and cat piss triggers them. FML

I agree, your life sucks 708

You deserved it 917

What just happened?

By What did I do last night? - 07/11/2022 10:00 - United States

Today, I've been experiencing a phenomenon where I wake up in the middle of the night, check the time, realize it's the middle of the night, and go right back to sleep. Every time I wake up after falling back asleep, I feel as though me waking up earlier was just my imagination. My own brain is gaslighting me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 708

You deserved it 130

I'm always right

By Anonymous - 15/01/2023 14:00

Today, my mom got mad at me. She told me that the neighbor was stupid for letting their kids play all over the street alone. I said it was fine, because the mom walked right next to the daughter as she played on her scooter. She argued, “Why do you always have to disagree with me?” FML

I agree, your life sucks 708

You deserved it 134

Less haste, more speed

By D J's MOM - 18/09/2023 20:00

Today, at 11 p.m., after getting up for work at 4:45 a.m., I ran up the stairs to go feed my cat. I slipped on something, missed the handrail, then fell down and cracked my head on the tile floor. My hairclip was dead center, so I then had a fun night in the ER while my dang head wouldn't stop bleeding. FML

I agree, your life sucks 708

You deserved it 124

Leg day

By Anonymous - 24/09/2019 02:06

Today, after waiting a year, I asked a coworker who I like to work out at the gym with me. She said yes. I figured this would be the perfect place to show off my body and impress her. In every exercise we did, she lifted more weights than I did. FML

I agree, your life sucks 708

You deserved it 2 819

Good luck

By Anonymous - 17/01/2024 09:00 - United Kingdom

Today, I finally came out to my parents and admitted that I’m HIV positive. Instead of being supportive, they made me call up all of my childhood friends and tell them to get tested. Playing at the park isn’t how it transmits, Mum and Dad… FML

I agree, your life sucks 708

You deserved it 185

Alexa, play "Both Sides Now" by Joni Mitchell

By Anonymous - 12/08/2023 22:00

Today, one of my best friends and I both got mail. She got her wedding invites to send out; I got my divorce papers. FML

I agree, your life sucks 708

You deserved it 145

Splinter cell

By Anonymous - 09/03/2022 00:01

Today, because of my inexplicable tendency to constantly get giant splinters in my feet, which generally take at least half an hour of tireless effort to remove, my family and friends have nicknamed me "Footy Woody." FML

I agree, your life sucks 707

You deserved it 221

Thanks, I hate it!

By Anja - 03/02/2021 03:30

Today, I was having a horrible day and messaged a friend to vent. She replied with, "Eat a cookie" and proceeded to send me a picture with a "motivational" quote from her buddhistic spiritual leader. FML

I agree, your life sucks 707

You deserved it 262

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The Top

Today, my boyfriend asked me how women could urinate with a tampon in. FML

I agree, your life sucks 48 042

You deserved it 8 243

Today, there was a fire drill at my school. I was in the bathroom taking a dump, and if that wasn't bad enough, I got suspended for two days for 'improper procedure during a fire drill'. I didn't know you could get suspended for taking a dump. FML

I agree, your life sucks 42 420

You deserved it 4 389

Today, I had a job interview at a local business with the owner who was man, and the manager who was a woman. I thought I did pretty well because I heard the manager whisper so, as I was walking out. Then I heard the owner whisper, "No fat chicks." FML

I agree, your life sucks 44 597

You deserved it 6 845

Today, I proudly announced to my mother that I would cut down on sugar. Without missing a beat, her response was, “Out. You need to cut it out.” FML

I agree, your life sucks 815

You deserved it 365

Today, my alcoholic boyfriend, who's in jail for violating his conditional bond, told me I'd better not have even one drop of alcohol while he's gone. Oh, and he expects $250 of commissary each week. FML

I agree, your life sucks 427

You deserved it 647

Today, I learned that my ex-boyfriend didn't cheat on me with my ex-best friend like he said. He just wanted an excuse to break up. To make matters worse, when I tried to talk to her, she slapped me and gave me a bloody nose. FML

I agree, your life sucks 358

You deserved it 249