The Top

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The all-time greatest FMLs

Oh, hai Mark!

By SHAME! - 20/05/2019 16:02

Today, I ran into an attractive friend of a friend I hadn't seen since a night out last month. I tried my best to be friendly and interesting, but he still seemed awkward. Later I found out that the last time he saw me I was blind drunk and vomiting after having propositioned him all evening. FML

I agree, your life sucks 974

You deserved it 2 058

The planets made me do it

By c…… - 12/10/2021 08:00

Today, my sister wrecked my car, then blamed it on, "Mercury being in retrograde." FML

I agree, your life sucks 974

You deserved it 75

Act your age

By Anonymous - 17/03/2022 10:00

Today, we're finally at an age where my wife will try to negotiate how old she has to admit to being. It’s ridiculous. At her last doctor's appointment, she was asked her age, she’s 52 but claimed to be only 40, and I had to argue her up to admitting to 48. FML

I agree, your life sucks 974

You deserved it 126

Correlation?

By Anonymous - 19/01/2023 06:00 - Netherlands

Today, I went to see a doctor because I have been experiencing hair loss. He insisted on a pregnancy test. My parents then grounded me. I'm a virgin. FML

I agree, your life sucks 974

You deserved it 114

Seize the day

By John S. - 25/04/2021 16:59

Today, I finally decided to try to get a date with the girl I like at work. While I was looking for her around the office, her supervisor approached me. She's in the hospital due to Covid-19. FML

I agree, your life sucks 974

You deserved it 146

Disproportionate response

By Anonymous - 09/03/2022 14:00

Today, mom caught me watching YouTube while doing schoolwork. I'm grounded, and not allowed to do anything but schoolwork. She got mad, EVEN THOUGH I was doing schoolwork while watching videos, maintaining a 98% in my class. Now I'm grounded longer, because I'm supposed to do schoolwork and nothing but. FML

I agree, your life sucks 974

You deserved it 355

Hold this for me

By Anonymous - 06/07/2023 15:00

Today, a lady chased me through the mall because I wouldn’t babysit her kid while she shopped. I hate kids and don’t babysit, especially random ones, and especially not for free. FML

I agree, your life sucks 973

You deserved it 101

Pushing the envelope

By Anonymous - 02/04/2022 04:00

Today, I was constipated and strained so hard that I threw up into my pants and all over my shoes. I was at work, and no, I didn’t have a change of clothes. FML

I agree, your life sucks 973

You deserved it 185

Ban appeals time

By Anonymous - 06/01/2023 09:00 - United States - Federal Way

Today, I was playing my favorite online game when I had to use the bathroom. While I was away for five minutes, my little sister went on my laptop, typed the “N-word” in chat, and got me banned. FML

I agree, your life sucks 973

You deserved it 470

Automation

By Anonymous - 26/05/2022 02:00

Today, and the past few weeks, my dad has been leaving me notes around the house, accusing me of putting the heating on at 3 a.m. and to stop. Except I've not touched the heating for months, and denying it results in both parents screaming that I'm lying. It doesn't occur to them that he's just fucked up the smart schedule. FML

I agree, your life sucks 973

You deserved it 94

Hole in the head

By Anonymous - 27/10/2022 16:00

Today, I had to get a nail removed from my head after a nail gun incident. The nail was actually touching my brain but didn’t cause damage. Of course being a builder with typical builder mates, the joke now is that I’m so brainless even getting shot in the head doesn’t make a difference. FML

I agree, your life sucks 973

You deserved it 181

Dumbass

By ParentingFail - 13/12/2022 15:00

Today, my 18 year-old son threatened to sue a store because they refused to give him a senior discount, at which point he trashed the store in a blind rage, and got banned for life. That would make more sense if he was actually a senior, not a senior in high school. FML

I agree, your life sucks 973

You deserved it 394

End of the year assessment

By robbert - 04/12/2021 10:59 - United States - Federal Way

Today, I overheard my female coworkers huddling in the breakroom, rating the male coworkers from hottest to least. My manager is, “Probably packing, teehee.” The new kid, “has a girlfriend but that won’t stop me.” They unanimously agree that I’m, “friendly but probably lowkey a creep.” FML

I agree, your life sucks 973

You deserved it 266

White Lotus vibes

By Anonymous - 03/12/2022 10:00

Today, I had to deal with a guest who'd left his shoes outside his door to be polished. I told him our hotel doesn’t offer shoe polishing, so if they’re gone they must have been stolen. He then accused me of stealing them for myself, even though I’m a woman with feet 6 sizes smaller than his. FML

I agree, your life sucks 973

You deserved it 97

Our house, is a very very very fine house

By Anonymous - 24/03/2021 17:00

Today, my housemate, who never cleans, cooked tacos, then left her dishes for the rest of the evening. When shown a bowl of murky water in the sink, she denied it was hers, prompting my vegetarian housemate to clean it. Putting her hand in the bowl, she found a lump of raw taco meat. Yum. FML

I agree, your life sucks 973

You deserved it 177

All the same to me

By Gomeck33 - 28/10/2022 02:00

Today, my mother-in-law insisted my wife and I name our unborn son “Aladdin” She thinks the name is perfect and will “match well because it’s an Arabian name” and “Aren’t you Arabian?” I’m Egyptian. FML

I agree, your life sucks 973

You deserved it 139

Social pariah

By Anonymous - 04/11/2022 12:00

Today, I was out with friends, A girl approached me out of nowhere and gave me a peck on the cheek, then yelled to my friend, "I kissed him, where's that drink you promised?" only for him to equally loudly reply, "I said I'd buy you a drink to TALK to him." Apparently, even bribery isn't enough for a woman to talk to me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 973

You deserved it 113

Cover up

By Anonymous - 20/09/2023 10:00

Today, my stepmother ruined my wedding by trying to get me to cover my tattoos with makeup. She spilled makeup on my dress, delayed the limo, talked through the ceremony about my tattoos looking horrible, and tried to cancel our photographer so there’d by no official photos of my horrible tattoos. FML

I agree, your life sucks 973

You deserved it 190

Welcome back!

By Anonymous - 09/11/2020 20:02

Today, it's the last day of my three-week vacation, during which I couldn't go anywhere due to COVID and lockdown. I just learned that some of my colleagues are infected and I will have to fill in for two department superintendents at the same time when I go back to work tomorrow. FML

I agree, your life sucks 973

You deserved it 106

Dating pool hell

By AwkwardNotCute - 06/04/2022 04:00 - United States - Pomona

Today, I tried instant online video dating for the first time, after not having much luck on other dating sites. The first date was kind of awkward, and "ended" with a kind of fade out and I could hear her chatting with someone else. "Hella awkward." Fair enough. "But was he cute? - No." FML

I agree, your life sucks 972

You deserved it 150

Addicted to the anticipation

By Anonymous - 08/11/2021 13:59 - United States - Verona

Today, as every day for the past three weeks, I had to hear my housemate complain about an order being delayed. The last couple of orders took two months to arrive, and she decided to order yet again from that company, so she checks daily and I have to hear about it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 972

You deserved it 143

Stay at home

By Anonymous - 27/11/2021 10:58

Today, I saw the coronavirus news this morning, all about the new variant. I've been working 100% remotely for past year and a half. Here we fucking go again. FML

I agree, your life sucks 972

You deserved it 201

Don't mention the helicopter parents!

By Anonymous - 27/04/2022 12:00

Today, I got an F because I’m an idiot and wrote my essay on WW1 instead of WW2. I offered to resubmit a correct essay, but my mom stormed to school to demand it be changed to at least a B, because it was a good essay, even if it was on the wrong war. God, she’s impossible and embarrassing. FML

I agree, your life sucks 972

You deserved it 326

He's a keeper

By Anonymous - 19/12/2022 15:00

Today, I went on a first date. He got so drunk he forgot what he ordered to eat ten minutes after ordering. He also had to text me later to ask if we kissed, because he couldn’t remember. FML

I agree, your life sucks 972

You deserved it 138

Joe Bidet

By tmrwsmggls - 16/11/2020 14:01 - United States

Today, I went to the bathroom at my boyfriend's house. Right as I sat down and started taking a dump, I looked over at the empty toilet paper roll and remembered his roommate had told us the night before that they were out of toilet paper. FML

I agree, your life sucks 972

You deserved it 365

This is going to be great!

By Anonymous - 29/04/2022 10:00 - United States - Morristown

Today, after we got married five months ago, my wife and I planned a trip to France and Spain as a honeymoon. We’re supposed to be leaving on Saturday. She just told me last night, “I am so not looking forward to the trip.” FML

I agree, your life sucks 972

You deserved it 131

Healthcare is broken

By Anonymous - 27/08/2022 14:00 - United Kingdom - Sheffield

Today, my dad was finally referred for urgent spinal surgery. He's had increasingly bad neurological problems for over a year, and they have been ignoring my pleas for help, until it's urgent enough that they are operating next week. No one will give us a survival rate. FML

I agree, your life sucks 972

You deserved it 110

Tales of the Unexpected

By Anonymous - 06/03/2022 16:00

Today, due to some luck on my part and a really good stockbroker, I was able to retire quite comfortably at 45… at least until my wife told me she's pregnant, and as an added bonus, it’s twins. Now I need a job again, quite desperately. FML

I agree, your life sucks 972

You deserved it 526

Zamboni please

By Anonymous - 11/01/2021 05:01

Today, I took a part time job at McDonald’s and started working in the kitchen. The floor is so greasy, you can’t walk normally, you move around like you’re on an ice rink. With some momentum built up, you can even slide a couple of meters when no one is looking. FML

I agree, your life sucks 972

You deserved it 181

Bad boy

By Pythagoras_is_from_Mars - 20/10/2022 10:00 - United States - Chicago

Today, it's my first day on dating apps in a long time. I have a prominent facial scar from a car accident that happened a long time ago. All the girls that contact me want to hear stories of dangerous behavior and jealous exes. I'm a small town high school math teacher. FML

I agree, your life sucks 972

You deserved it 124

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The Top

Today, I had horrible morning sickness, but being starving, I had some canned soup. My husband soon came into the room and commented on how the leeks in the soup looked like chunks of vomit. The visual caused me to vomit all over the table. FML

I agree, your life sucks 45 272

You deserved it 3 457

Today, I downloaded porn and saved it on my desktop. After watching it, I couldn't delete it, and now it is stuck on the desktop. It is a shared computer. FML

I agree, your life sucks 9 891

You deserved it 69 116

Today, I went for a job briefing, and after that was told to do some editing for them. When I asked the person whether I was paid for the day, she laughed and said no. She was serious. FML

I agree, your life sucks 23 589

You deserved it 3 126

Today, one of my coworkers was recently promoted, so I'm now officially the last person of our team, hired in the same year, to still have "junior" as part of my job title. Not that it’s relevant, but I’m also the oldest member of the team by about 15 years, yet still "junior." FML

I agree, your life sucks 992

You deserved it 267

Today, at work, I had to analyze timecards data and generate a report on the least billed / occupied people at work. I found myself at the bottom. I sent it to my boss too. FML

I agree, your life sucks 732

You deserved it 178

Today, as always, my boyfriend has a micropenis. He found my dildo and started crying because it was bigger than him. I love him to death and would never cheat on him, but sometimes I just need to be filled up. Am I wrong? FML

I agree, your life sucks 569

You deserved it 153