Today, I realised it takes me longer to take a dump than it does to have sex with my boyfriend. I also realised taking a dump is more satisfying. FML
Today, my insanely jealous wife flipped out and made me promise never to hug any of my female friends or go to lunch with them, ever. It's "cheating." FML
Today, I was acting as Prince Charming for a 5 year old's birthday party. After my scene at the ball, the narrator asked the kids, "Was the Prince handsome?" and they all replied with a chorus of, "Nooooo!" FML
Today, my wife called me a pervert and a degenerate for lusting after a teenage girl. I’d found some old pictures from high school and remarked about how sexy she’s always been. It was her I was talking about. I said she’d always been attractive, but liking her as a teen is now weird I guess. FML
Today, my boyfriend asked me to 'spice things up in the bedroom'. When I asked how, he said I could try wearing a paper bag over my head. FML
Today, I came home to find my eight-year-old son had basically set fire to the kitchen, after trying to practice some kind of stupid shit he'd seen on TV called "fire bending." FML
Today, I got let go from my job, because my personal cell phone doesn't always have signal, so I missed an important call from work. My contract specifically said I'd get a work phone, which never happened. FML
Today, I was at the mall blasting music. I was wearing a nice shirt, and had my iPod in my breast pocket. I noticed a cute girl smiling at me, so I smiled back and as she started to walk over, I turned down my music while smiling. It looked like I was rubbing my nipple. FML
Today, my coworker asked me for advice for a clever comeback after she got an unsolicited dick pic. I sent her some zingers to roast the creep into oblivion. Afterward she sent me screenshots. I recognized the mole and birthmark immediately. It was my husband. FML
Today, my ass decided that it was the perfect day to exhibit the diarrhea side-effect of medicine I'm taking. I definitely made a lasting impression on my interviewer. FML
Today, two teen girls got into a shouting match at the table next to mine at the food court. Sensing a fight brewing, I got up to leave. I stood up just in time for one of the girls to throw her tray, which missed her target and hit me in the head. FML
LiLMAMA0523 tells us more.
OP here! This actually happened to me sometime last year when I worked at an outlet. I ran into the first girl awhile back (who works at a store there) while shopping and we were laughing about it. Basically these girls had been having some issues for awhile and the second girl (tray thrower) decided she and her "crew" would pay the girl a visit while she was working (stupid right?). We both happened to be on our lunch break at the time when the girls showed up. Initially they were just throwing insults at each other (which were pretty funny) but the first girl stood up and they were screaming at each other from across the table. At this point I was like okay I don't want any parts if they start swinging, so I stood up and attempted to walk away. The second girl picked up the food tray and threw it, but the girl either ducked or her aim was bad because I ended up getting hit. My initial reaction was shock which then switched to WTF lol. Both girls rushed over and were freaking out asking me if I was okay. Security was called by one of the food court managers and the girl and her crew were escorted out. I was asked if I wanted to file a report but to me it wasn't extreme enough to do so. I could tell the girl was already upset enough and adding to it wouldn't have made it better. I wasn't severely hurt either just a little bump behind my ear. The tray was hard plastic, but I had my hair in a bun so I think that kind of cushioned the impact. I think the funniest part was probably explaining to my manager why I was a little late coming back from break lol. If this had happened to anyone else I might not find it funny, but since it was me I managed to find the humor in it. I can now check "getting hit with a food tray" to my list of the WTF things that have happened to me lol.
Today, my band informed me that our gig this afternoon was actually a wedding. Whose wedding? My ex-wife's, along with the guy she cheated on me with. For their first dance, I had to sing what used to be our song. FML
Today, my elderly neighbour was having some kind of house party. It was incredibly loud, so I went and asked if he could tone it down a little. He responded by grabbing a deck chair, smacking me with it, then chasing me back to my house, all while his guests cheered him on. FML
Today, I asked my dad if he thought my dress was nice, and if guys would go for me. He replied, "Shit, depends on how drunk they are." FML
Today, I offered to give my ex a ride home from work. He and I ended on good terms years ago, we just aren't compatible with each other. I dropped him off and not ten seconds later, he came back out looking sick. His fiancee was inside having sex with MY new boyfriend. FML
Today, I was really horny after some dirty texts from my boyfriend. Since everyone seemed to be sleeping, I closed my eyes and started to touch myself. I was really close to climaxing when I opened my eyes and made eye contact with my mother staring at me as I was masturbating. FML
Today, my boyfriend of a month and I had sex for the first time. We started in the shower and then moved to his bedroom. He then feel asleep when I was on top. FML
Today, I got rear-ended. An old woman got out and came over to my car window. I thought she was coming to apologize and trade insurance companies. Instead, she poured her soda on my head, ran back into her car, and drove away. FML
Today, a customer screamed at me, because her iced coffee tasted exactly like coffee, and she hates coffee. Sadly, this isn't even the most insane person I've had to deal with at this job. FML
Today, I had to clean cum from one of the seats of the movie theater where I work at as a cleaner. FML
Today, I found out that when my parents said they couldn't afford gifts for us kids, what they really meant was that they weren't buying a gift for me. I found this out when I overheard my father telling my uncle about the things he got my siblings. FML
Today, I have a better relationship with the machinery I've given names to at work than my actual coworkers. FML
Today, while BMXing I felt my chain break loose. I only looked down for a split second, and that's all it took for me to crash into a young scooter kid, breaking not only my own nose and elbow, but both his arms. FML
Today, I found out that the double spacing format in an essay refers to the space between each line, not the words. I've been pressing the space bar twice between each word all through high school and halfway through college. FML
Today, we got a new employee at work. I said hi, and told her that if she needed help figuring out our computer system, then to give me a call. She promptly accused me of sexual harassment and filed a complaint against me. FML
OfficeDroneWoman tells us more.
OP here. Some of you noticed it said "woman." Yes, I'm a woman. That's why her complaint made no sense. Glad to report, though, that after a couple days HR got back to me and said I was off the hook, and told her that if she makes any more accusations like that, she'll be fired. She can't even look me in the eye now.
Today, the shy girl in my class brought a cake to share with everyone, since it's her birthday. Excited about the cake, I got everybody to sing "Happy Birthday" for her, only to realize too late that nobody in the class knew her name, myself included. FML
Today, I finally had a chance to get outside after receiving shrapnel to my leg. My crutches had not yet arrived so I didn't want to risk it, but my buddies said they had my back. We went to the seaside and I sat down as they say they'd be right back. It started to rain and everyone forgot me. I can stand, but not walk. FML
Today, while shopping in the FML store I bought the "Retro Sport Tee," I didn't notice you are supposed to put your own "FML" on the shirt. Mine says "Today, Your Text Here. FML." FML
Today, my cute co-worker asked if he could use my computer. I told him my password and went to the bathroom. When I came back he said he'd finished. I tried to log in, but my password wouldn't work. I then noticed a Post-it note on the desk saying, "Stop stalking me and I'll change the password back." FML
Today, my mother won't let me intern at a prestigious college, working with graduate students and professors, and being paid, because she doesn't want to drive me. FML
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