The Top · The all-time greatest FMLs

Pissed

Today, at work, I had to use the bathroom to urinate. It's basically in an open plan office, so everyone can hear absolutely everything. After successfully and discreetly doing my business, I noticed a bit of dirt on the wall. I gave it a rub with my thumb on the smooth tile. It sounded exactly like a loud fart. FML

Cough up

Today, I was ordered to pay most of my income in child support to my ex. We weren't ever married and her kid is not mine! We lived together for two years until we realized we weren't compatible, then she sued me when we split. I'm now paying more than her kid's rich-ass dad. How the fuck is this fair? FML

Today, a man on the subway serenaded me. That's not the issue. He was cross-eyed, making it hard for me not to laugh in his face. FML

Wrong way down a one way strrreeeeet

Today, I took the wrong train and didn’t realise it until it arrived in Aberdeen. Eight hours from where I was meant to go. FML

For profit healthcare should be abolished

Today, I’ve had to spend $300 out of my savings account for my doctor's appointment to get another 90-day supply. Health insurance is way too expensive, as I'm a student and work part time, and haven’t had luck in finding a job. How am I supposed to save for a car in the meantime? FML

So many questions…

Today, I finally got my son to go for a run. He broke his neck 4 months ago and has been playing video games the entire time. I was a competitive runner once and run everyday. He kicked my ass, 21 minutes for the first 5k and he sped up. He was back playing video games when I finally got home. I think I lost a lung on the trails. FML

Careless and carefree

Today, when I crossed the street, I almost died because of a careless driver, but when I crossed it again on my way back, I got hit by a bicycle. FML

Samson v. Delilah

Today, and after I started losing my hair during my high school, my confidence is gone. I've struggled approaching women and have missed many opportunities. I'm 36 years-old now. Today, I connected with someone online, and when I told her about my situation, her response was, "Sorry, I'm not feeling that spark." FML

Bloody Janet

Today, I was on a Zoom call with my mic muted. Or so I thought. After about a minute, I started ranting about how Janet always gets credit for my work. Janet was in the meeting. So was my boss. None of them was receptive to my criticism. FML

Happy holidays!

Today, I realized this holiday season is the first time in 4 years that I won't have a partner to share the holidays with. My partner of 4 years cheated on me this summer. I'm still bitter and dating is unnecessarily difficult. I wish I could just be happy alone and never feel lonely again. FML

Hacked

Today, at the Apple Store, the crew, security, manager, technician, and fellow customers alike, never bothered covering up to laugh at me when I went there to have my phone fixed. Someone somehow hacked my iPhone, and when I use the Face ID, it makes a bloodcurdling scream of fear in full volume, then shuts down. FML

Shady

Today, I was put on unpaid medical leave against my will. I’m not sick, nor am I injured. I talked with HR and they can’t cancel it. FML

Smells like team spirit

Today, my boss decided to start a sport challenge where we should set a training goal and report about achieving it. Okay, I go to the gym a few days a week, but I'm really not interested in this collective motivation crap. Later, our boss hinted that if I don't take part, I may get fired for breaking the team spirit. FML

What is happening?

Today, it's been three days since I noticed mysterious bumps on my arms, on the same day my dad, who I lived with, petted dogs and might've brought in fleas. The first two days were harmless skin conditions. The third day was bug bites. They always appeared overnight when I slept and they weren't bed bugs, I checked. FML

Throw them into a volcano

Today, I failed to notice a nice ripe pile of dog poop on my front yard until I got to work. I tried to clean my shoe off with alcohol wipes in the bathroom. Not only did it barely work, the wipes are non-flushable. FML

Today, I was meeting my boyfriend's mom. She was driving us to a theme park that was about 2 hours away. She asked for the address to put into the GPS, so I gave it to her. It turned out to be a farm, an hour away from the park. So much for good first impressions. FML

How very dare you?

Today, I told my mom about the couple of times that I'd skipped classes during high school. She got really mad and grounded me for a month. That would usually be normal except for the fact that I'm 27 and live in my own apartment. FML

Messed up country

Today, my absentee dad died in America and some branch of the American government decided that I need to settle his debts. "Which debts?" you ask. Unpaid child support. Yes, America wants me to pay them my own child support, despite never meeting my dad or even once setting foot in America. FML

A tale as old as time

Today, a really cute girl from my class invited me out for a few drinks. I’ve had a crush on her all year and thought this was my chance. We went out but it turns out she has a boyfriend of 5 and a half years she plans to marry. I saw her as a potential girlfriend and I guess she saw me as something else. FML

This could mean several places at the moment

Today, the day after I bought a ticket to travel back home for the first time in a long while, I woke up and realized my country got attacked. FML

Today, my daughter asked me when was the first time I had sex. After I told her 22 she quickly shouted, "Beat ya!" She's thirteen. FML

Safe and sound

Today, I was expecting new computer parts so I can upgrade my hardware. I was hoping they would get here before I had to leave for work, but they showed up half an hour after my shift started. Now I have $700 worth of computer hardware sitting on my porch for my whole shift. FML

Today, I had dinner with my family in celebration of my 19th Birthday. I've been hinting that I need a new laptop for months now and I was sure my family had bought me one. I have got a pair of slipper socks. FML

Modernish rejection

Today, the girl who rejected me because she said she was a lesbian got Facebook official with another guy. I called her out on her lying and she replied, “Take it as a hint, now get out of my Messenger before I call the zookeeper.” FML

Dishes, now!

Today, I went out to eat with a friend. I was supposed to be paying, but when I tried to, there wasn't enough money in my bank account. She didn't have money with her either. FML

Freaked out

Today, I realized how bad my social anxiety has gotten. Where I live, there's a gallery/corridor, which is where the entrance is. It's also where the kitchen window is. I was preparing to cook dinner when my neighbors walked by. Even though my windows are opaque, I panicked and haven't been in the kitchen the past hour. FML

Public menace

Today, my dad is too old to drive, period, and yet while I was at work my wife thought it was a good idea to let him try her new Mercedes, which by the way I bought and insured. He used the accelerator like he was driving a shitbox Nissan and destroyed our local kebab shop's big front window and door. FML

Body heat management

Today, a bit of self-explanatory wisdom: When it’s 35°C out and you need a hot water bottle for your lower half, while needing a fan for your upper half, then something in your body’s self-regulatory system does not work as it should. FML

Club Tropicana

Today, I forgot to take my phone out of my bathing suit pocket before I went into the pool. It's not a high-end phone, so that's not why FML. The FML part is because I was on vacation, didn't have internet access, and the phone has no external memory card, so all the pictures I took while on vacation are lost. FML

**** Spotify

Today, while I was on Spotify with smart shuffle enabled, it started playing a really stupid, but funny song I'd never heard in my life. I then looked at the cover and realized the song playing was AI-generated. I don't want to live on this planet anymore. FML