Today, I went to turn in a coding project a few days early. After months of working on a code and saving backups, everything is gone or corrupted. I have to start from square one and turn it in less than 48 hours from now. FML
Today, my mother-in-law invited herself to my house to cook lunch. I'm postpartum, depressed, and nursing a two-week old. She fed me four small shrimp and a handful of macaroni. This is what I'll be eating for a month. FML
Today, I watched in horror as my dad picked up a dead centipede, placed it on his tongue, and then swallowed it. FML
Today, I posted a selfie on Instagram showing off my new haircut. However, I hadn't noticed that I'd forgot to switch back from my company's official Instagram account to my private account. The caption? "Feeling cute, might delete later." It stayed up for over an hour, and my future as a social media manager is up for debate. FML
Today, I tried a new workout class as part of my New Year's resolution to get fit. The instructor said, “Don’t worry, we’ll start easy.” Twenty minutes in, I was flat on the floor while everyone else continued effortlessly. When the instructor asked if I was OK, I gave a thumbs-up, but I haven’t been able to sit down since. FML
Today, I realised I sweat so much that I won't be able to go without sticking super pads with wings to my shirt underarms everyday. It makes supermarket trips interesting. Especially as a man. FML
Today, a patient at the hospital I work at had a tracheal tube and couldn't speak. I'm unable to read lips, but I'm pretty sure he was mouthing the words "Stupid bitch" every time I tried to stop him from pulling out his IV. FML
Today, I lost half my friends and was kicked out of my Star Wars club, all because I said that The Acolyte is unwatchable trash. Apparently that makes me "an alt-right Trump-humper." Whatever that means. FML
Today, my neighbors left for their nine month excursion, and armed their security system. One of the features is a loud series of three beeps every three seconds, 24 hours a day. I can hear it, clear as a bell, throughout my entire house. FML
Today, I got excited when my cell phone lit up because I hadn't received a single phone call all day. Turns out it was the "low battery" indicator. FML
Today, driving out of my neighbourhood, I encountered three snow plows heading towards me. I tried to turn around in a stranger's driveway but wasn't fast enough, and they left a wall 4-feet high of ice and snow, blocking me in. I rang the doorbell, borrowed their shovel and dug out their driveway. Its -32 with wind-chill. FML
Today, I realized that because of my past abusive relationship, I will never love anyone fully. In the back of my mind, I will always have a doubt, thinking that they don't want me or that I'm just a goal to achieve until they're ready to leave. It's to the point where I don't see a reason to try; everyone will leave and I'm OK with that. FML
Today, I spent 3 hours looking at a YouTube video on how to do Rubik’s cube. Even after being told how to do it, I couldn't finish it. I scrolled down the comments and read, "Awesome! I'm 10 and can do it in 3 minutes now!" I'm 28 and still can't do it, even with a tutorial. FML
Today, I snapped a tendon in my knee during cowgirl position. My boyfriend was “so close to finishing” that he asked if he could just slip it back inside for a few seconds while we waited for the ambulance, “since you’re already lying down, Babe.” If I could stand, I’d have hit him. FML
Today, after not hearing from my "bestie" for over a month, I realized she completely ghosts me when she finds a boyfriend, only calling me when they break up so she can complain, and hangs up before hearing a single word about my life. I have such low self-esteem, I don't even fight it. Who needs enemies? FML
Today, at the ripe old age of 24, I briefly forgot my own name. FML
Today, my daughter had her gall bladder removed after just having liver surgery, my girlfriend tripped and fell, breaking several toes and possibly her ankle, and I got almost no sleep between my night shifts. FML
Today, I got shitfaced at a club. A cute girl I'd met earlier in the evening offered to drive me home in my car and spend the night with me. She crashed my car and did a runner before the cops showed up. They wouldn't believe my story. I now have a wrecked car and a DUI. FML
Today, I walked in the bathroom to find my son cleaning his penis. It wouldn't have been so bad if he wasn't cleaning it with a toothbrush. FML
Today, I found out the antibiotics I'm taking can cause you to vomit unexpectedly. In the car. While driving. To work. FML
Today, I got into trouble for moving my chair around in class, which went on my permanent record, while other people were literally throwing things across the room and being loud but they didn't get in trouble. Tomorrow's my birthday and now my parents won't let me go out, even after I told them what happened. FML
Today, I was helping my friend with her little sister's birthday party. We were playing a game where you get up and switch seats if you've done a certain thing. One girl said to switch if you've kissed a boy. I watched as 18 12-year-olds switched seats with each other. I stayed sitting. I'm 17. FML
Today, a guy on Bumble sent me a dick pic to me. I opened it, stared at it for a good few minutes, and replied, “I don’t see anything unusual. What are your complaints?” And then it hit me: It’s what they call “the life of a medical student.” I’m ruined! FML
Today, while I was on holiday, my dad let himself in and did some of the DIY I’ve been putting off. He is 6”6 and I am 5”2 so he didn’t realise certain things need to be at my height, not his, like the bathroom mirror, the kitchen shelves, and the hallway coat hooks. FML
Today, I still can't open my curtains or door without my ADHD teenage neighbour screaming my name and waving from my across the road. I moved from a city to this place so I could have a big garden to help my extreme social anxiety. When I go outside, she comes running over. Sometimes she brings her dog, who shits on my lawn. FML
Today, I went to the gym for the first time in months and couldn't figure out how to use any of the equipment. FML
Today, my health insurance refuses to pay for either contraceptives or the small surgery to get my tubes tied, even with a doctor’s note confirming I need it. They are quite happy, however, to pay for any number of abortions, subsequent therapy, and/or complications during childbirth. FML
Today, at Christmas dinner, my grandmother talked about the death of every single dog she ever had. All 10 of them. FML
dunn76 tells us more.
dunn76 5
Hi I'm the op. To clarify, yes the dinner happened last night and so the 'today' thing is technically a lie, so sue me. My grandmother is 91 so she doesn't always have a filter as on what is appropriate to talk about. As to the 10 dogs, yes, there were times that she had 2 at a time. Most died of old age, but there were some that stuck out. One died because of cancer when she was a kid, another got hit by a car, and they had to put one down because she wouldn't eat because she was best friends with the dog that got hit by a car. Yes these were sad, but she is a good dog owner. She was tearing up when she was telling the stories. I love my grandmother very much and visit her at least once a week. As to the xmas mood, we decided to stop dinner and open presents to lighten up the mood for my younger sister. So don't worry, we had a good xmas!
Today, I asked my boyfriend if my ass looked big in my new jeans. He looked, and then started singing "I like big butts and I cannot lie". FML
Melime88 tells us more.
Melime88 0
I must say it's a bit amusing how serious you guys took it. I'm the one who did this FML and it was mostly meant to be amusing and funny. At first I took it as an insult, but it is really a compliment. I'm proud of my butt!
Today, my long-distance boyfriend of 3 years uttered the heartbreaking words, “I met this girl here in my hometown and she’s really great and we fell in love with each other, I can’t do this anymore. We’re over.” I was planning on moving to his town after graduation this year. FML
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