Today, my eight-year-old brother told his classmates that I have cancer. Nope, just really bad acne. FML
Peeves_fml tells us more.
Peeves_fml 17
OP here! My brother legitimately believed that having acne is the same thing as having cancer, but after a good talk with him about the difference between a normal teenage phenomenon and a life-threatening disease, I think he's straightened out his vocabulary terms. Oh, the bliss of being baby-faced and blemish-free! I told him he was lucky that he wouldn't have to worry about any skin problems for several years.
Today, I was waiting in the car while my mom went into a store to get beer. A few minutes later, some guy was knocking on my window, telling me to open the door. I started cursing him out, thinking I was getting attacked. Turns out he worked there and was putting the beer in the car. FML
Today, I took a deep breath and started journaling to "figure out my life." Two hours later, I had written four pages of ranting about my upstairs neighbor's loud footsteps and zero pages about my life goals. FML
Today, I saw a photo of my wife's ex sucking her boobs in her old phone. I'd told her about em, but she appears to have still kept them because it's a year later, and they haven't been deleted. FML
Today, I finally went to the DMV to replace my lost license. After waiting for almost two hours, I casually rummaged through my purse. Something strange inside the lining caught my eye. It was my license. FML
Today, I'm so skinny that I was told to, “Eat a burger.” While I was eating a burger. FML
Today, after I fell on ice twice hitting my tailbone last week. I'm in excruciating pain but can't get out of work, no internet for over a week so I can't do college work, a guy ran into my car, totaling it. it's 20 years-old so insurance probably won't give me enough to replace. Bad luck comes in threes. FML
Today, I was in and out of my room to cook dinner at 11:30pm and accidentally locked the door. I couldn't jimmy it by myself so called a locksmith who used two of those inflatable car door things and a screwdriver to pop it in 30 seconds flat. Cost me 180 bucks. FML
Today, I came out to one of my best friends as non-binary, and told him (with their permission) that some of our friends were trans. He told us that we were all idiots and refuses to accept us. We've known him since 3rd grade. FML
Today, because of my inexplicable tendency to constantly get giant splinters in my feet, which generally take at least half an hour of tireless effort to remove, my family and friends have nicknamed me "Footy Woody." FML
Today, I'm 36 years-old, living with my parents, in debt. My mom always wants to solve my problems by giving me money, which she later claims as "borrowed", so now I'm highly in debt with the bank… and her. FML
Today, I stabbed myself in the nipple with scissors trying to cut an opening in the supposedly hands-free pumping bra I just bought. I breastfeed my 5-day-old. FML
Today, I found out that my passport expired two days ago, two days before my first vacation abroad. I only found out when the airline employee scanned it at check-in, looked at me with sympathy, and said, "I don't think you're going anywhere today." My friends are currently posting beach photos while I'm filling out passport renewal forms. FML
Today, I found out that my wife named our son after her ex boyfriend. FML
Today, my husband, who is proud of his 155 IQ, is depressed our son is becoming a typical football jock with an IQ only just into the triple digits. He even thinks I must have had an affair, because no way could someone as smart as him have produced such a blockhead with tattoos. FML
Today, it's Thanksgiving and I've spent the last few days imploring my husband not to antagonize my Trump-loving family by talking about the fact that they didn't look into what tariffs were at the time, and now they might have to close their business. Wish me luck… FML
Today, I really think my girlfriend is secretly bisexual and is cheating on me. Reading through her texts, she and her “best friend” are always calling each other beautiful, saying "I love you", and other weird stuff like that. Other members of their friend group do it too. FML
Today, I was cuddling my boyfriend before going to bed. He farted really loud and spat in my face as he laughed. FML
Today, I tried to lift my girlfriend and spin her around like in a Rom-Com. I started the spin, then heard a pop. The pain caused me to yelp and fall to the floor, dropping her on top of me. I dislocated my kneecap trying to be romantic. She only weighs about 90 lbs. FML
Today, after having the worst night of my life, my boss chewing me out and acid reflux all morning, I went to the snack machine at work to get the only thing that makes me happy, Reese's PB cups. I had just enough money to buy the very last one in the machine, and it got stuck. FML
Today, I set up my phone to take a time-lapse video of the sunset. When I checked the footage later, all I saw was me running back and forth because I’d forgotten my keys and wallet multiple times. FML
Today, I had a terrible dream where my boyfriend cheated on me with his ex. I woke up almost crying and called him just to tell him how much he means to me. Turns out my dream gave him that little extra push he needed to confess he's been cheating on me. With his ex. FML
Today, my boyfriend had an appointment he had to wait months for, after he finally agreed to try to figure out what's making him so tired all the time. He slept through it. FML
Today, I tried to get a picture of a cute cat while on my morning walk. The cat didn't run away scared, it was even as if he knew it was "strike a pose" time. Then, out of nowhere, a seagull swooped down and stole my breakfast bagel. FML
Today, at an annual summer family event, I showed my family a magic trick I'd practiced for weeks. The grand finale involved making a coin disappear. Instead, I launched it into my uncle's soup. He digged it out with his spoon, then looked at me and asked if it was for keeps. FML
Today, I had a phone interview with my potential new boss. I was getting excited about the prospects of landing a great job. I had nailed every question the man asked me and right after he told me he'll call me tomorrow if he wants me to come in I sweetly said, "Talk to you tomorrow! Love you!" FML
Today, I actually overheard the sentence, “People who can’t go vegan for medical reasons should die gracefully rather than eat an animal.” FML
Today, myself and my pug entered a novelty dog competition at the local fair. We won first prize in the lookalike contest. FML
Today, days after I broke up with my girlfriend, my dad tried to make her feel better by inviting her to our family BBQ next weekend. FML
Today, it's my mother's birthday so I took her out to lunch. On the way there, we had a car accident. It was my fault. For my mother's birthday I gave her 3 broken ribs. FML
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