The Top

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By robbed - 14/10/2010 02:25 - United States

Today, I realized I was happy because we finally started having friends come visit us after months of not having company. I also realized that our secret stash of money was stolen last night while we had company. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 899

You deserved it 4 418

By shiiiiit - 15/11/2009 09:23 - United States

Today, I was having trouble blowing out the last of the several candles on my bedside table. Exasperated, I blew as hard as I could, which sent hot wax from the other candles shooting into the air, all over my face and into my eyes. FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 182

You deserved it 12 549

By Nanny - 30/04/2009 17:42 - United States

Today, I was babysitting a 4 year-old with a speech impediment. I asked her, "Do you got your bag?" And she said, "No. I have my bag. Babies say got. I'm a big girl." I am 20 years old and in the honors program in my college. I was corrected by a 4 year-old with a speech impediment. FML

I agree, your life sucks 17 207

You deserved it 102 079

Rock n roll

By notanybetter - 08/06/2019 02:00

Today, the drummer from my favorite band threw a drumstick into the crowd during a concert. It hit me on the head and bounced into my friend's hands. She left with a drumstick from a band she didn't want to see in the first place. I left with a bruise. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 662

You deserved it 178

Kitchen nightmare

By Anonymous - 29/12/2024 22:00 - United States

Today, I tried to open a jar by tapping the lid on the counter. I tapped it so hard, the jar shattered, and I now have more spaghetti sauce on my pyjama pants than in the pot. FML

I agree, your life sucks 154

You deserved it 462

By Anonymous - 13/10/2010 02:09 - United States

Today, I tried to put my friend's hand in lukewarm water while he was sleeping, to see if he'd pee himself. He woke up and punched me in the face. FML

I agree, your life sucks 7 396

You deserved it 66 499

By thanksnicksparks - 11/06/2012 05:25 - United States

Today, my girlfriend asked me if I loved her. I tried to be cute and romantic and responded with a quote from the Notebook, which I watched with her yesterday. After I said, "If you're a bird, I'm a bird," she broke up with me because I was "phony and unoriginal." FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 764

You deserved it 10 333

Life ain't a Disney movie

By Phil - 06/01/2025 20:00 - Canada

Today, I tried to pet a squirrel because it looked friendly. It did not feel the same way. Now I’m googling things like, "Can squirrels give you rabies?" FML

I agree, your life sucks 73

You deserved it 877

By UnluckyGroom - 09/06/2012 23:04 - United States - East Wenatchee

Today, after a long night of partying, I fell asleep, while my bride was delivering her vows. FML

I agree, your life sucks 8 143

You deserved it 59 764

Alpha moron

By Anonymous - 17/08/2026 15:00 - United States

Today, after all my years of teaching, I may have met the most ignorant sack of sentient excrement on the planet. A man came into the office demanding his son be transferred out of my class because he can’t be an "alpha" if he’s being taught by a woman (read that as "bitch"). FML

I agree, your life sucks 328

You deserved it 44

By carsuck - 11/11/2009 05:55 - United States

Today, I woke up at 6:00 am to the sound of somebody laying on their horn outside my apartment. I ran outside to yell at them only to find out it was my car. The horn was shortcircuting. All my neighbors stood on their porch laughing as I repeatedly punched my steering wheel to make it stop. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 399

You deserved it 4 173

By Anonymous - 27/04/2009 05:35 - United States

Today, my girlfriend met my parents for the first time. The first thing my mom said to my girlfriend was, "Honey, are you ok? You look like you got hives." FML

I agree, your life sucks 51 385

You deserved it 3 516

All you need is love

By Anonymous - 06/08/2023 10:00

Today, my polyamorous friend has 3 boyfriends. My other polyamorous friend has 2 boyfriends and my other other polyamorous friend has a girlfriend and a boyfriend. I'm still single. FML

I agree, your life sucks 728

You deserved it 205

Red-handed

By Anonymous - 09/08/2023 04:00 - United States - Wolcott

Today, I was really excited to fuck my boyfriend when I got home from work. When I got home, I found him excited and… fucking someone from work. FML

I agree, your life sucks 817

You deserved it 212

Dipping out

By Anonymous - 13/01/2025 03:00 - Australia

Today, I was trying to sneak a nap at work by lying on my desk with my arms over my head, hoping my computer screen would cover me. I woke up to find my coworker had taped a sign on the back of my screen that said, "I’m not sleeping, I'm just buffering." Pictures were taken. FML

I agree, your life sucks 111

You deserved it 674

Panic!

By Anonymous - 16/01/2025 12:00 - United States

Today, I somehow managed to FaceTime my crush instead of texting him. I panicked, dropped my phone, then answered the call with an unflattering close-up of my forehead. FML

I agree, your life sucks 178

You deserved it 381

The itch from hell

By sprainedankle - This FML is from back in 2013 but it's good stuff - Saudi Arabia - Riyadh

Today, I got a mosquito bite inside my cast. I slipped a ruler into it and started scratching to relieve the itch. Part of the ruler ended up snapping off inside. FML

I agree, your life sucks 46 911

You deserved it 15 852

By GreenMonstR - 25/04/2009 05:09 - United States

Today, I was at the store with my wife. As we were walking out, I helped an elderly woman get through the door. As I was opening the door, my foot got stuck on the door and my face was catapulted into the woman's breasts. It wasn't until we got into the car that my wife burst into hysterics. FML

I agree, your life sucks 50 261

You deserved it 4 782

Use the military clock!

By Jeremy - 17/01/2025 12:00 - United States

Today, I set my alarm to wake up early for work. It turns out I set it for PM instead of AM. I woke up to my boss calling me, asking if I was still alive. FML

I agree, your life sucks 315

You deserved it 271

By Anonymous - 03/10/2010 14:59 - Australia

Today, I got my posting orders for the Air Force. After spending four years training and studying to become an aerospace engineer, I am getting sent to the only base without aircraft. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 214

You deserved it 3 243

By lessinterestingthanadog - 08/11/2009 05:28 - United States

Today, I invited the guy I've been seeing to my home for the first time. He spent over an hour talking to my twelve-year-old dog. Occasionally he would look up to ask me a question, but when I answered he would just continue talking to the dog. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 320

You deserved it 3 821

Purr Evil

By Anonymous - 05/03/2021 21:30 - United States - Alachua

Today, I was awakened at 5:30 a.m. Did my dog need to go out? No. Did my alarm go off? No. My neighbor's asshole cat was on my window AC, scratching at my window, before pissing on the AC and jumping off. If I turn it on, my bedroom will reek of cat piss. The high today will be near 90. FML

I agree, your life sucks 950

You deserved it 94

Raise the pressure

By Anonymous - 14/05/2022 18:00

Today, my boyfriend and I were getting hot and heavy. He got on top and started kissing my ear when a warm liquid went down my neck. My boyfriend had a gushing nosebleed, which went threw the pillowcase and the pillow. I got cockblocked by a nosebleed. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 156

You deserved it 178

Never again

By Phillip - 20/01/2025 03:00 - United States - New Orleans

Today, I ordered a pizza with extra cheese and no tomatoes. The pizza delivery guy handed me the box, and as I opened it, I discovered that they had delivered me a pizza… with only tomatoes and no cheese. I called the pizza place to complain, but they just said, “Well, tomatoes are technically fruit, so it’s healthy.” FML

I agree, your life sucks 483

You deserved it 113

By Anonymous - 02/10/2010 13:04 - United States

Today, my boyfriend called me over for dinner. When I walked in the door, he asked why I was here; apparently he dialed the wrong girlfriend. FML

I agree, your life sucks 42 002

You deserved it 3 181

Make it stop

By Ow ow owwww - 15/08/2023 14:00 - United States

Today, I have what is probably a cold sore on my upper lip. I also have a mustache, which keeps rubbing against it. Because of this, no matter what I do, it stings. The next few days are fixing to be very, very long and miserable. FML

I agree, your life sucks 557

You deserved it 193

Belter

By karaokestar - 23/04/2009 04:42 - Canada

Today, I sang my signature tune at a karaoke bar - What A Wonderful World - and I thought I sounded my best yet. After my performance, I went outside to get some air. Then, I got assaulted in the parking lot and ended up going to the hospital. What a wonderful world indeed. FML

I agree, your life sucks 58 069

You deserved it 5 566

Not missing out on much

By Anonymous - 30/05/2022 02:01

Today, my mom is obsessed with my academic success, as she was a highschool dropout, and actually gives me more homework than my school does, all so I’ll be more advanced than my peers. I barely know what a television is anymore, since it’s been so long I’ve had enough free time to watch one. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 062

You deserved it 177

Understanding

By Anonymous - 26/04/2022 06:00

Today, I was on a date, and I mentioned that I'm divorced, he was fine with that. I said I have two kids, he was fine with that. I mentioned the youngest is autistic, he was not fine with that, got up, and left so fast saying he wants nothing to do with kids like that. I was left with the bill. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 816

You deserved it 268

Blackmail material

By Anonymous - 26/01/2025 22:00 - Malaysia - Kulim

Today, my brother and I took an hour long train home. I'd got up early, so I dozed a little bit in the train. I woke up to people looking at me at me. Thinking I slayed my outfit or something, my brother sent me a 5 minute video of me snoring so damn loud with my ugly mouth hanging open, and other passengers laughing. FML

I agree, your life sucks 425

You deserved it 141

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The Top

Today, I was changing my shirt in the bathroom when I dropped it. It fell on my foot, so I decided to flip it up with my foot instead of bending down to get it. I flipped it, and it landed in the toilet. Which somebody had not flushed. FML

I agree, your life sucks 14 352

You deserved it 35 679

Today, my mother had to take a stool sample because she has been ill for several days. Curious, I eventually had to ask, "How did you intercept the poo before it got submerged in water?" She yelled from the other room, "You know that little plate with the red stripe?" I was eating off it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 88 715

You deserved it 7 676

Today, I gave my wife a cat. The first thing it did when it got out of the box was scratch the shit out of my leg. Next, it ran up to my wife and purred. She said, "Good cat." FML

I agree, your life sucks 59 017

You deserved it 10 563

Today, I stayed home from work, feeling ill. Come lunchtime, I made myself some ramen noodles, thinking that the broth would feel good on my throat. Too bad I sneezed while carrying the bowl, dumping the boiling hot broth all down my front. The skin on my boob peeled away like tissue. FML

I agree, your life sucks 6 561

You deserved it 593

Today, after months of being friendly and flirty with a very close friend, they've started ghosting me and cancelling everything that has been planned. They will only message to moan or ask for help. FML

I agree, your life sucks 383

You deserved it 171

Today, I realized how single I truly am when I blurted out "Yes!" as soon as the priest asked the bride, "Do you take this man…" The bride was my sister and you could hear a pin drop after I blurted it out before she had a chance to respond. FML

I agree, your life sucks 81

You deserved it 551