Today, I was in a meeting when I felt a sneeze coming on. I tried to hold it in to avoid making a noise. Instead, I ended up sneeze-imploding so hard that I accidentally farted at the same time. The entire room went silent. FML
Today, I found out that every single picture that I have ever sent to my boyfriend, his father has also received. Every. Single. One. FML
Today, I once again tried to purchase a membership for a hiking adventure club. I ended up purchasing the same annual membership for the third time. They have already helped me recover my funds once. These people are never going to want to go hiking with me. FML
Today, I went to work at my job as a secretary. I had been given the task to file my boss's collection of Playboy magazines alphabetically by name of the centerfold. There was one for every month from the years of 1980 until now. FML
Today, it's been a month since the hair dye that was supposed to be temporary is still making my hair tropically green, now with some added roots making it look even worse. FML
Today, I walked into work, after having given my boss a weather prediction last week, so he could decide on which day to open a new company division. I was immediately taken aside and written up for "providing false information, adversely impacting morale". FML
Today, I discovered a nail in the tire of my car and a nice sized crack on the screen of my phone. I didn't think the day could get worse, until on my way to fix my tire, the cherry of my cigarette fell off and burned a huge hole in my driver's seat. This was my day off. FML
Today, yet another guy friend-zoned me for being overweight when I asked him to hang out. I have Hashimoto's disease and it’s really hard for me to lose weight. I eat decently and take 20 minute walks daily. I wish I could go to an island where less superficial jerks lived so I can have a chance at love. FML
Today, I got home from hospital after being sent there for suicidal intentions because I'm poor, chronically ill and want out of my life. Five hours later, I was sent home after being given one Valium and a taxi ordered, that I had to pay for. FML
Today, I went to a TV show filming, but I was sitting behind what must've been the tallest person in the world. I'll probably only get to see the show properly once it airs. FML
Today, I got up at 8am and didn't take a shower so I could hear the postman at the door. He never came. I stink. FML
Today, I joined a Zoom call late and accidentally unmuted myself while yelling at my kids to stop fighting. I didn't realize I was unmuted until I saw my manager's horrified face and the rest of the team trying not to laugh. FML
Today, I decided to get back into shape and go for a run. With a 1/4 mile left to run, I saw a hot chick a block ahead of me running. Trying to show off I ran hard and passed her stopping just outside my complex. I started to throw up right as she came past me because I had run so hard to pass her. FML
Today, my crush started uploading pictures and writing sweet messages about a girl on her status, so I assumed that she was into girls, and lost all hope. Turns out that the girl in question had passed away, and she was remembering her. FML
Today, at the vending machine at work, I selected a regular soda but a diet soda came out. It turns out the soda I did select was stuck behind the bottle of diet soda. Is the universe trying to tell me something? FML
Today, I finally stood up to my mom and told her that as an introvert I desperately need some time alone to just recover. She, being the bitch queen of the extroverts, translated this in her head to, “I hate this family”, so she screamed at me, called me ungrateful, and made me homeless. FML
Today, I'd stayed up all night to finish a detailed report. By the time I'd printed it I was late for work so I jumped in my car. Driving down the street, I saw my papers fly off the roof of my car. It was raining out. FML
Today, after being unemployed for a couple of months, I got a call back from a security job I did for a week. But with a new condition: besides the security work, one day in the week they want me to cut grass, paint and clean up the grounds for the same minimum wage. FML
Today, I borrowed my dad's car to run a quick errand, which he never lets me do. I thought I’d got away with it until he got home and started yelling. I forgot, dad always reverses into driveways, while I prefer to drive straight in, and I'd parked his car facing the wrong way. FML
Today, and for the last week of job training, I’ve listened to my new boss go on about how we care about our customers and want to engage with our community, even though at the end of every workday I watch him empty the complaints boxes straight into recycling, without reading a single one. FML
Today, my little brother learned that breaking a glow stick and emptying it into someone's eyes does not help them see in the dark. It's a good lesson, I just wish he hadn't used my eyes to learn it. The doctor says the burning feeling should go away in 3 or 4 days. FML
Today, I went to the cinema. The lady at the reception gave me my ticket and wished me a good screening. My reply? "Thanks, you too." FML
Today, a guy I had developed feelings for broke things off with me, giving me a version of the “it’s not you, it’s me” line. This was the first person I had liked/wanted to date in almost 8 years. I think I’m destined to be alone. FML
Today, I was the first to sign up to play the national anthem for my school, at one of my volleyball games. My teacher told me she would bring my sheet music. She didn’t. So I just sat there, awkwardly, not playing my cello. FML
Today, it’s this year’s first spring-like day, with warm sunshine, birdsong, and the first tiny flowers! So of course I'm taking full advantage of this delightful weather by… being sick and staying indoors. FML
Today, I had a big argument with my girlfriend, after she tried to stop me going home, even though it was already past my curfew. I got home, only to find out I'm grounded for staying out late, and dumped for being "inconsiderate". FML
Today, I asked my parents if I had a college fund because I will be going to university in two years. They laughed. FML
Today, my mother screamed at me for the millionth time for “giving her a dirty look” as if I could see my own face. I’m just tired. I just wish people would pay attention to my words and not my face. FML
Today, I celebrated my 22nd birthday. On my cake stood last year's "21" candle, to which had been added a single candle. Clearly, times are tough. FML
Today, I'm officially at the point where I would do literally anything to have a pleasant dream, or at least one that's not absolutely fucking terrifying. I now know where the irrational fear of sleeping comes from. Anxiety can go fuck a duck. FML
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