The Top · The all-time greatest FMLs

You get what you paid for

Today, while I was at work as a receptionist in a hotel in Spain, an entitled woman was pissed because her reservation didn't have breakfast included. I'd offered her three times the option to add it. She declined because she had to pay for it. She was pissed that she had to pay to include the breakfast in her reservation. FML

The wrong end of the stick

Today, I actually feel good about my decisions and my life. I've even started running to improve my health, and recover from self harming. My girlfriend is convinced I'm running to hurt myself, and won't let me near any health food or the treadmill. FML

Today in class I accidentally called my teacher very old and almost dead. As we were discussing a book I said that the book character is very old and close to death since it fitted to the context. Turns out this character is one year younger than my teacher and she wasn't amused. FML

My precious

Today, I had some flagstones put down to fix a muddy place where my horses stand, in a part of the woods that is only accessible on foot. The flagstones weigh about 30 kilos apiece and you can easily get them for free on the internet, yet someone went to the trouble to steal them. FML

The biohazard next door

Today, no matter how many times I've asked, my dumbass neighbor can't get into the habit of regularly picking up after her six dogs. Her backyard is covered in shit with probably just inches between each pile or log. This means the wind blows the smell of shit in the direction of my house. I can't open a window. FML

Get on with it!

Today, I told my fiancée I was going to the gym. She gave me a dozen "quick, easy errands" that took me over three hours to finish. When I was done, I called her and said I was going to the gym now. She yelled, "You still haven't gone? You've been out for days! What have you been doing?" FML

Be grateful, you nitwit

Today, I got my husband a really expensive Bulova watch. He asked for brown. I got him a brown and gold leather watch. He said it looked to much like the cheap $10 watch in his collection and asked if I could exchange it. I can’t - no refunds. Now we are fighting because he can’t express his feelings. FML

Today, I realized how exhausted I was when I mixed up my eye makeup remover with toner. My eye still burns. FML

Full house

Today, after waiting two months to attend a very important course, I finally got to go. This is the same day I caught a horrible cold, got Auntie Flow’s monthly visit, my IBS flared up, and my acid reflux as well. So here I go, crampy, constipated, congested, and gassy. FML

Baby's high

Today, I think my cat is getting high. Whenever she finds her drug of choice, she sniffs it, then rolls around in it, purring ecstatically. Typical catnip reaction, right? Wrong. It’s my dirty underwear she's into. FML

Shiver and shake

Today, I spent several hours in freezing drizzle sampling and testing diesel fuel from an above ground, 10,000 gallon tank. Soaked to the bone and shivering like mad, I gave the manager the results. He said thank you and then told me I was at the wrong location. FML

Clumsy

Today, I was making Cup Noodles for breakfast. After microwaving it for 3 minutes, I carefully grabbed the cup to pour some water out, but my hand gave out and some water spilled on it. Now I have a burned hand and no noodles. FML

FML's "Guess the Saying"!

Check out these guys and figure out what the saying is. Is it a saying? It's something in any case.

Take it easy

Today, I went to the gym for the first time in months. I was so out of shape that I couldn't even finish my warm-up. FML

Manipulation

Today, while we were at a museum I like, my wife told me she was “in the mood” so we quickly drove home, where she suddenly “wasn’t in the mood anymore.” I get the feeling she was bored with the museum, and lied to me to come home earlier. FML

Road to ruin

Today, and for the past 3 years since I first started looking for work, my mother has once again cussed me out and called me "ungrateful" because I tried to get a job. She won't let me get my ID, and she will only apply to jobs around our tiny town that she "feels like doing." We're about to lose our home. FML

Today, I got a hamster against my wife's will. I can't wait until she wakes up and I have to tell her it's loose in the house. FML

Ventilation

Today, I woke up at 4 a.m. to the smell of something burning. My husband and I checked the house, and I was convinced there was possibly an electric fire. Went back to bed, then when I woke again I remembered I'd straightened my hair the day before and that’s what the burnt smell was. FML

I blame the parents

Today, after being kicked out of our school for leaving the country, neither of my guardians want to take charge of our education. So me, being sixteen, I have to do hundreds of assignments for my sister and me, who was already supposed to have graduated. Yay "Home schooling." FML

Ungrateful

Today, even though I help cook and clean on a daily basis, I got called lazy and told I don't do anything around the house. I live with my parents and twin 18-year-old brothers and they all say this. FML

Snitching

Today, I found out, and only after my stepdaughter told me, that my wife spent the whole weekend with another guy at the beach. FML

Today, I was bored at my office, so I started flicking my pencils at my door. My boss walked in right then to give me a raise for my "outstanding" work. She scared me so much when she walked in that I flicked a pencil right at her face. FML

You sure it was your birthday?

Today, it was my birthday. My partner of 9 years, and father of my two children, bought me a set of headphones for him to use on the treadmill. Didn’t wrap them, didn’t say happy birthday to me, didn’t tell my kids it was my birthday and worked on the yard all day. FML

The joys of income inequality

Today, after a risking my life on the way to Europe and saving every penny I made as an illegal worker to send home, I found out that my brother used the money to open a small business, get pretty successful, and is going to marry my all-time love. FML

Respect is dead

Today, my mom and I went to visit my Dad to wish him happy birthday. I was at a red light, waiting to make a left-hand turn into the only driveway, and once the light turned green, I was unable to go, because another car was coming out. Cars behind me were beeping. I was turning into the cemetery. FML

Get your act together

Today, my parents decided that because my sister never cleans the bathroom, every time she doesn’t, she and I BOTH have to pay $100 a week for a maid. I can’t afford to move out, and with this, I never will. FML

Bring your A game

Today, I spent ages getting dressed up for a date I’ve been excited for. I even put on cologne for the first time in forever. When I arrived at the restaurant, I realized I had forgotten my wallet. I spent the entire meal pretending to be “really into the conversation” while internally panicking about how I was going to pay. It didn't end well. FML

Today, I was in a public restroom with my one-year old. I had no idea he could reach the lock until he opened the door and ran out. In my haste to catch him, I not only peed all over my pants that were still around my ankles, I faceplanted on the nasty, moist bathroom floor. FML

Gamers rise up

Today, I realized that my long term boyfriend still prefers video games over his kids and our sex life. I haven't had sex in over a month. FML

That would be correct

Today, my dad is infuriating by increasingly asking me to do things around the house, but because he doesn’t like how I do them he yells at me and then does it himself. It’s almost like he cares more about inventing excuses to yell at me than he does to actually get things done. FML