Today, I had to take my daughter to hospital because her butt swallowed her dildo. Try as I might, in the waiting area her dad and I couldn’t stop giggling at random intervals at the absurdity of the situation, so she’s probably never going to speak to us again. FML
Collection
Wild Nights Out
Last call, bad decisions and 3 a.m. texts you'll regret until noon. Cheers.
Today, I received a medical bill because my daughter thought it would be hilarious to try and fit her fist in her mouth. She succeeded in getting it in, but not in getting it out. FML
Today, I was feeling depressed and got very, very drunk. This evening, I was feeling equally desperate, and ended up having to get my special dildo removed from my asshole at the hospital. FML
Today, I picked up my daughter from the day care but before we left, the babysitter needed to have a talk with me. To fill you in, I got a brand new prius yesterday. Apparently my daughter told eveyone that her mommy got a new penis. FML
Today, I had to listen to my daughter’s explosive diarrhea while I watched TV. When she came out of the bathroom, she went white as a sheet. Apparently she thought she was alone. FML
Today, I took my 12 year-old to the orthodontist. While I was talking to the dentist about what was needing to be done, my daughter listened. With a straight face, the dentist joked, "Yeah, we're going to need to rip off her entire jaw." My daughter won't leave her room anymore. FML
Today, I walked in on my mom in the bathroom, washing a dildo. FML
TToday, my daughter was hungover, so to teach her a lesson I started banging a pot next to her ear. An hour later, we’re in hospital. She wasn’t hungover; she hadn’t even been drinking. Her migraine was a huge aneurism one sneeze away from bursting and killing her instantly. I’m a terrible dad. FML
Today, my daughter admitted she struggles to keep a boyfriend because as soon as she shares with them her kink of fucking guys with strap-ons and occasionally inserting other items into them, they flee. As a father, this was way more info about my daughter's sex life than I can handle. FML
Today, I had to make a doctor's appointment for my daughter. Apparently she thought it would be better to wipe herself with Clorox tough scrub disinfecting wipes than tell me she'd caught an STD. FML
Today, whilst at work, I had a woman come in with a problem with the seat in her car not moving backwards or forwards. There was a dildo stuck in the chair rail. FML
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Top comments
fjvitt 14
Did you have to go in the back door of the ER???
Kraths 16
Honestly I think this an FML for her. My parents were never shy about laughing at the absurdity of something’s my brother and I used to do.
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Comments (14)
Kraths 16
Honestly I think this an FML for her. My parents were never shy about laughing at the absurdity of something’s my brother and I used to do.
RichardPencil 32
It's ok, your daughter sounds like a real asshole anyways. Laugh while you can -- that'll end when the bills roll in.
fjvitt 14
Did you have to go in the back door of the ER???
Baby_123 8
My parents would fix that with some olive oil and needle nose pliers.
awildwhisper 30
Did she try pushing 😟😅
bobsanction 18
This why you never put nothing up there what aint got a flared base.
samomaha 17
Or at least an attached retrieval line!!
ImpKit 7
Exactly! Or, if you MUST (cause some vibrators lack one), be sure to keep your hands clean and dry so you can maintain a firm grip on the thing!
BurnInDemonFire 39
I wonder what's inside your butthole... maybe it's astronauts, maybe it's aliens... ...it's a *****? HA!
Destin Shyann 9
I wish I was a fly on the wall for that conversation. How exactly does one tell one’s parents about such a buttt mishap
ViviMage 40
Paging DocBastard!
jkjorn 18
I miss that guy, wonder what became of him? (For those who don't remember, he was a frequent commenter like Richard Pencil, only much funnier.)
bloopaloop 27
Does she know that was the wrong hole?
zip2dwess 16
Do you know that some like it in the butt too?