Today, while working at Home Depot, a customer tried to engage me in a conversation about which gardening tool would "hypothetically" be the best to kill his wife with. FML
Collection
Fall
Dead leaves, the first cold of the season and an umbrella flipped inside out: fall, the season of grace.
Today, I was working when I delivered the standard "Hello, how are you?" to a customer. He took the opportunity to tell me about his deceased wife, his estranged children, and his anal tearing. After a while, I tried to help someone else, and he complained to my manager. I was written up. FML
Today, I was digging in my lawn, trying to ignore the suspicious glances coming from my nosy fuckball of a neighbor. When he asked what I was doing, I replied with dripping sarcasm, that I was digging up the schoolkids I killed last year. Fifteen minutes later, the cops he called arrived. FML
Today, I was at Home Depot getting a Christmas tree with my family. While picking out a tree, a man thought it would be nice to help cut off the string that held the tree together. The branches hit me in the face and the guy managed to cut my hand. FML
Today, I started work cleaning a customer's pool. I think her husband watches too much porn because he keeps glaring at me from the windows, and I overheard him telling his wife that he knows what's "going on" and that he's "not gonna let it happen". FML
Today, I was pestering a co-worker, so she jokingly stated "I'll bury you!" and I replied "I'll bury your mom!". Her moms funeral was last week. FML
Today, at work, a customer threatened to punch me in the face because the store I work at doesn't have shopping baskets, only carts. FML
Today, while at work, I asked an older customer how he was doing. He told me that he'd just lost his wife. I gave my condolences before he clarified that his wife was not dead, but was lost in Walmart. FML
Today, after finally getting rid of an extremely rude, abusive customer, I muttered that I could kill people like her. I didn't know my manager had heard me, until a pair of police officers arrived. He'd reported me for "threatening to murder a customer". FML
Today, I was at work, stocking shelves. A customer got mad because I was in the way of her "shopping time" and knocked down all the work I had done. FML
Today, at my first day working at Walmart, a customer asked if we have any egg cookers. I said I wasn't sure, but that I'd be "eggstatic" to go ask for him. The first clue I got to suggest he hated puns was him yelling "Don't get smart with me, boy!" and then threatening to kill me. FML
Feel like sharing it with the other FML users?
Thanks, your FML was submitted, and will appear in the moderation queue soon!
Top comments
xlord 27
Can't go wrong with the classic shovel + u can use it to dig the hole. This all completely hypothetical of course!!!!
Soundslikeothers 15
Do you "hypothetically" call the police?
Add a comment · Reply to
You must be logged in to be able to post comments!
Comments (131)
xlord 27
Can't go wrong with the classic shovel + u can use it to dig the hole. This all completely hypothetical of course!!!!
enddmd 27
I personally prefer the rake. It does exponential damage in the act and can make the hole in the ground look less conspicuous after the fact.
hulopro 16
What about a hedge trimmer. Just lay some plastic down Dexter style and go.
junkman6 22
Wood chipper. Remember to go feet first if you really hate them.
kuzzy00 22
Recommend botulism... Only a small amount is needed to kill someone, it takes 24 hours to test for in hospital, and it's impossible to be targeted for murder. It's also reasonably quick at killing someone. Not that I'm psycho; my newspaper had a story about NZ Milk having a Botulism scare for baby products. Turned out to be all BS precautionary steps, thankfully.
LostInTheZone11 29
I vote the mattock.
feelingold 18
Ermmm.....that isn't a gardening tool 31......you're just into the whole murder topic in general eh.
Pat_Tricksta 13
Lawn mower works really well if you don't mind the cleanup
russfml 31
That's messed up buddy
EduJav321 24
My money's on the weedwhacker Slice through that throat in seconds
spoo 24
Tell him if its that bad, you could use your tool... And shell never bother coming around him again
TrackGirl19 29
Sinister much?
patrickalamo 48
More people are killed by hammers every year than by hand guns in the USA
j_cat187 20
lol I read hamsters instead of hammers.
xSLEEPYxHEADx 22
I'm always a fan of melee weapons (; i.e. axe, hammer, etc.
amisenho 11
Go for the trowel. No one ever suspects the trowel.
taladay 32
Good lord, 109, me too!
chewyca99 14
96 who needs gun control? we need hammer control damnit!
alicat13 12
So what do you recommend?
w_pony_4ever 15
I was wondering the same- this FML needs a follow up!
trell000 13
A hoe of course! Use a hoe to kill a hoe…anyone?
GinaWater95 8
I recommend watching a few episodes of Dexter. Then, the guy will think he's in control with his perfect set of tools. When he goes to commit the crime BAM who's in control now bitches? Dexter of course (in this case the OP).
RedPillSucks 33
@36. Sorry you got downvoted. I was thinking exactly the same thing.
Jiplo 18
A law mower, of course!
Soundslikeothers 15
Do you "hypothetically" call the police?
cakefete2 31
If only it were that simple. Not to bash the police, because generally they do their best, but they wouldn't be able to do anything. Unless there is irrefutable proof that the guy was going to act on it or was in the commission of the crime, their hands would be tied. They can enforce a law one broken, prevention usually involves civil rights being trampled.
Danne696 14
However, if Mrs. X is found dead in the next few days, having a hint that Mr. X was looking for the information could be useful.
GinaWater95 8
The men in blue will not save the day. They just clean up the mess.
dannnngthatsux 19
Civil rights being trampled aren't very high on the list anymore. Just be sure that you in no way are a threat to their well being. The courts over and over (SCOTUS especially) have been saying even if there was no threat, a perceived threat, I.e. 'can't see your hands', is enough for justifiable homicide. Better not to chance it.
Georgia0p 17
You should've played along and offered help, just to see his reaction
xNotCreative 13
I don't think a reaction would be worth being an accessory to a murder.
Georgia0p 17
I'm pretty sure the man was joking..
SouthernLady12 13
#16 she knows this man personally, and was there at the store with him. It could be a joke, but seriously why would you take that chance?
EphMi 5
is it a crime to give "hypothetically" advises now? OP would only trying to be helpful in his/her job.
cumberbunny 17
#25 Where does it say that they knew each other personally?
cakefete2 31
In a post completely unrelated to #66's comment, someone should really invent a sarcasm font or other obvious way to denote sarcastic remarks.
schwaka 17
I agree with #4 honestly, 99% of the time people say things like that jokingly. If I was planning a murder I wouldn't start asking people for advice, that just draws attention and someone probably would call the police.
cryssycakesx3 23
#70 I thought that's what /s is for
Jiplo 18
#70- I usually use quotes because it is similar to using air quotes. Otherwise, I use italics.
salic77 11
Never heard of using that before. You're the first.
Dillyduzit 23
I would have called the police. You can never take things like that too lightly.
morella_xx 29
Right. If it really seemed like he wasn't joking, then I definitely would have gotten his name from his credit card receipt and called the police. At worst, he really was just joking, but at best you're saving someone's life.
sdroze1389 31
most people that intend to buy murder equipment pay cash.
Zebediabolical 45
Yes. Yes we do. And we buy our equipment months in advance. Nothing screams GUILTY like showing up on CCTV at home depot buying chicken wire, cement and cinder blocks just before a significant other dissapears.
RedPillSucks 33
Dexter? Is that you?
morella_xx 29
If this guy is dumb enough to ask a sales clerk for advice on his "hypothetical" murder, I'm guessing he's also dumb enough to pay by card.
salic77 11
You're the reason the police can't defend the people who really need help because they come to your "aid" when there wasn't any threat and now you've just successfully wasted the pd'a time, money, and endangered someone's life. You also just caused a bit of grief for a person who was merely awkward at conversation. You need to commit yourself to a hospital before you **** anything up for anyone.
Dillyduzit 23
You need to calm down, friend.
morella_xx 29
#106, are you aware that you can make non-emergency reports? As in, you can call or go to your local police station and file a report (which costs no money and endangers 0 lives, and consumes only minimal time from someone whose job is to receive reports anyway). I'm not saying the cashier should have called 911 on the spot. This was obvious to anyone with half a brain.
WiseGuy79 14
I would've recommended a hoe... Nothing like saying your wife was killed by your hoe haha
datguy69s 21
Must be a prank.. Nobody is that stupid
BoltTheSuperdog 22
I would've started looking for hidden cameras. This almost sounds like a "What Would You Do?" scenario.
Simplyeatapples 15
You would be amazed at how stupid people really are.
schadenfreud 6
you should have just casually told him every walmart has an instore specialist on garden implement based murder and sent him on his way
kuzzy00 22
Be an expert salesman! Start quoting movie plots involving use of tools. Be completely joking with it, and give him gory details. I had customers in the past like that, and they end up making decent sales! One time a customer asked "Give me a freezer that can hold lots of meat!" So I showed him around... There was a trailer for a horror showing on display screens. We discussed that we could "cut up and fit approximately 5 children in this model" etc. Joking that way make me an awesome commission!
graceinsheepwear 34
5 dead children freezer capacity? Gruesome. You're lucky that joke didn't go over badly. I'd be afraid to throw that out to a stranger, even jokingly.
Simplyeatapples 15
What if the guy actually took it seriously and stored children he kidnapped off the streets. That could be the reason you made the sell...
chuka81 27
Hypothetically speaking, a shovel would be the best tool. Some people would prefer a hoe though.