Today, during one of my first days as a teacher, a student stole my phone. FML

Today, a girl stole my heart. She also stole my wallet, phone, and keys. FML

Today, a student's parent yelled at me because they had to pay for school equipment their son had stolen from my desk. Apparently, it's my fault because the item was just too tempting for him not to steal. FML

Today, while at the mall, a lady dropped her credit card while in line to buy something. I came over, picked it up and gave it to her just for her to shove it in my hand and scream, "She's stealing my wallet! My wallet!" The police came. FML

Today, I met my biological mother for the first time. She stole my wallet. FML

Today, my son got suspended from school. He's in kindergarten. FML

What did you expect?

Today, I stole a classmate’s graphic calculator because I couldn’t afford one. She reported it missing to the professor. He wouldn’t let anyone leave class until it turned up. Not even saying I had diarrhea had him let me go. In fact, he told me to empty my backpack right there and then. I’m suspended. FML

The Child Catcher

Today, I had to chase down and tackle a boy (around 11 or 12) at my workplace after I caught him snatching someone's wallet and trying to quickly sneak out with it. Now everyone thinks I have something against children, even after I returned the stranger's wallet and explained that the little brat is a thief. FML

Where's the justice?

Today, I got banned from my school library after I ran after a guy who stole my bag. FML

Today, I caught one of my students checking out my butt while I was helping another student at his table. I teach 8th grade. FML